Hey here is a song i wrote last night, i hope you guys like it.

As the sun falls and the darkness creeps in,
your fears come true, its about to begin.
And as you try to get away,
you realize its the only home that you know.
You turn back around and say to yourself
"What am I thinking I cannot go"

The shadows are overcoming you.
Its not anything you wanted to do.
Sitting in your corner making excuses.
That is an endless consequence.
Following you around making sure you obey.
It happened as a kid and ever since

You can not kill what you did not create.
but this is the one thing that you did make
its only fear, and fear itself.
All you have to do is run away.
From your life, it can be over now.
You won't have to live it one more day.
It can all be made in one final decision.
Wipe your tears and please just listen,
Don't worry baby i am here
to protect you from the fear inside you
It is only fear....only fear

tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.
They're wasting your time, all i want to do is talk,
about the blood on your hands, the scars on your wrists.
You shouldn't keep stuff bottled up inside.
Let it out or it'll hurt you in the long run.
The last thing we want is another suicide

For what its worth, it aint worth ****.
Its time to turn and walk away, to forgive and forget.
Nothing is really what it seems.
but it seems like your future is like one big past.
Its always tiring to remember.
That people always starred as you passed

The suns coming up, the shadows disappearing,
Its time to move on like it was just a dream.
Finding hope 'cause its over now.
One last goodbye to the mourning sun.
conquering all your fears at last,
Yet in the end all you ever did was what you already done
......which is more than some

Thanks for reading.
Decent. I didn't see a real rhyme structure, though. When you don't have a rhyme structure implimented, it sounds like you're just belting out one-liners that have no purpose. And the rhymes that you made are the only real cohesive parts of the piece. Same goes with meter. If you drag out a line to 10, 12, 14, 16 syllables or more, the strength of it's statement is lost. It's the never ending line. Both of these problems occur in the piece. Your language is fine, just cut the offending lines and replace them with something complementing the winners in there.

My opinion, at least.
well the rhyme structure was aabcdc exept for the chorus which was aabcdceefgf.
but i guess i can change that to make it rhyme better.
and yea i agree with the long lines.