#1
That time of night, and that quarter of the month
when the moon looks like a nibbled apple
we walked back,

you and I, together - only in step - and
lacking in sobriety.

I walked on the left, as usual,
allowing you to lean and sometimes
fall

but I’m big enough to keep you up
and you're small.

It’s never that much different from
the last time we went out - not together
- almost always the same; predictable,
though with the excess of alcohol giving the goodbye

a certain edge.


Relatively older then my last few. C4C.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jun 6, 2008,
#2
That time of night, and that quarter of the month
when the moon looks like a nibbled apple
we walked back,

you and I, together - only in step - and
lacking in sobriety.

I walked on the left, as usual,
allowing you to lean and sometimes
fall

Loved this stanza

but I’m big enough to keep you up
and you're small.

It’s never that much different from
the last time we went out - not together
- almost always the same; predictable,
though the excess of alcohol giving the goodbye

a certain edge.

Perfect grammar & structure as usual. I liked the way you used spaces in between the stanzas to punctuate in the middle of sentences, it's effective and lends a tone of insobriety to the piece haha. I think the strength of this piece is definately in the use of the punctuation - the writing is descriptive, but not overly so, again in keeping with the spirit of the piece.
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
RED MILITIA FACTION
#3
you and I, together - only in step - and
lacking in sobriety.

This felt little awkward to me . I don't know why . Loved "lacking in sobriety" .

I walked on the left, as usual,
allowing you to lean and sometimes
fall

Little bit of cheesy for me but it has a nice vibe to it .

but I’m big enough to keep you up
and you're small.

i didn't liked the line break. I think you did this for purpose . Anyway still I felt rhyme was not perfect . It didn't came that natural for me . It felt little bit forced


It’s never that much different from

Maybe "It was" .just an opinion.

the last time we went out - not together
- almost always the same; predictable,
though the excess of alcohol giving the goodbye

I liked the ending .

In general here's what I think . You were trying to work your way around cliches hoping that you'll come up with something unique and refreshing . in some places you did and in some places you didn't . Clearly this is not for readers like me but some pwople love this kinda stuff .
Hi
#4
Quote by Jammydude44
Two of Us

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That time of night, and that quarter of the month
when the moon looks like a nibbled apple
we walked back,
the moon imagery is wonderful, but i think this could've ended better with a period at the end.
you and I, together - only in step - and
lacking in sobriety.
meh, this almost seems like a dyslexic sentence. plus; me thinks "sobriety"(and the descriptions of) are far too blunt for the cutesy, fairytale manner that was laid out in the first section, ya know?
I walked on the left, as usual,
allowing you to lean and sometimes
fall
bland.
but I’m big enough to keep you up
and you're small.
man, it's kind of starting to sound like a children's reading book here.
It’s never that much different from
the last time we went out - not together
- almost always the same; predictable,
though with the excess of alcohol giving the goodbye
i'm just indifferent to both the section above me, and the line below.
a certain edge.



Jamie if i came off as "jerkish," please forgive me. i read the footnote; i guess this is an older piece? this is nothing though, compared to your more recent works. <- not in a offensive way, but rather a compliment.
i've been trying to put a name to your style though....and i think i've got it.
"Gentleman's Poetry." lol; it just seems like it fits the part for you. your poems are usually so sophisticated and distinguished....i don't know, figured i throw that unneccessary thought fragment in there.

back to subject matter though, i just didn't get this man. it seems like a downgrade compared to your most recent.
i want to thank you for your words on mine, though.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Jun 7, 2008,
#6
*puts on dominatrix leather and grabs whip and.......WAIT A MINUTE*

no problamo, Jamie.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.