#1
Right Now

We are future imperfect people
With scissors and elmer's glue
Paperclips keep us together
Until we want to undo

I am not full alive right now
We are mostly lies right now
Hopefully we'll see
Our post modern world
Just won't let us be
Can't let us sleep
Isn't leaving me alone

I am not full alive right now
My diminished mind breaks right now
The electronic pulses running through fields
The manufactured grain that won't let us feel

The pro-con list is fleeing
As I am most likely being deleted
Right now


It's a very rough draft, kinda came to me after a long period of writing nothing. Anyways.
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#2
Well, I think the imagery is very basic, ya know, with the scissors and elmer's glue. But that's not a bad thing, sometimes. And I definitely say it's good here. Very catchy rhymes and good subject. Nicely done. I'd like to see the final draft, since you said it's jus a rough draft.
#3
i'm don't know what's underneath this, so i'll just make some comments about the read and the language. perhaps some of this will help.

Right Now

We are future imperfect people
there's a lot of tension in this line.
it really put me off. i almost stopped reading at this point.

With scissors and elmer's glue
Paperclips keep us together
i hear bind rather than keep.
Until we want to undo
i hear choose rather than want.

I am not full alive right now
We are mostly lies right now
Hopefully we'll see
this is a very odd line.
it doesn't attach directly to the previous.
it stands poorly on it's own.
and if attached to the next what follows after that is left hanging.

Our post modern world
Just won't let us be
Can't let us sleep
Isn't leaving me alone

I am not full alive right now
typo? fully, yeah?
My diminished mind breaks right now
The electronic pulses running through fields
The manufactured grain that won't let us feel

The pro-con list is fleeing
As I am most likely being deleted
Right now


I really couldn't get a sense of the message / what the metaphors meant on this piece.
Meadows
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