#1
another bit of randomness. intended for the Lyric Game but grew too long.

out on the back forty,
the hayseed was sown.
though the farmer was finished,
one fact was unknown.

mixed in with the millions,
one singular seed
was not even hay,
but a whole different breed.

the flower then sprouted
and toyed with the sun.
petals like prisms
on this million to one.

she was like no other
who lived here before
and when she was gone
there would not be one more.

the hay soon grew
and hid her from view
so nobody saw
her beauty and awe.

then came the harvest,
the hay was brought in
not even the farmer
knew this miracle had been.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Jun 7, 2008,
#2
Sad. You have an amazing sense of flow and diction.

EDIT: Now that I think about it, this is the only piece I have ever read without stopping to re-read it. It was just... zwooooom! Excellent flow.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Jun 7, 2008,
#3
Godddd.
It's the simplicity...
and the rhyme scheme...
this is so beautiful.
it reminded me of dr. suess, just way more emotional.
lol ^_^

i can't even crit it.
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#4
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
another bit of randomness. intended for the Lyric Game but grew too long.

out on the back forty,
the hayseed was sown.
though the farmer was finished,
one fact was unknown.
I'm, curious...


mixed in with the millions,
one singular seed
was not even hay,
but a whole different breed.
Still waiting...

the flower then sprouted
and toyed with the sun.
petals like prism
on this million to one.
Ah... Sweet, sweet imagery here... beautiful. Although, you do mean prisms?
I also like the use of a cliche saying turned into a descriptive noun... very thoughtful


she was like no other
who lived here before
and when she was gone
there would not be one more.
This starts the sadness, like a bike moving uphill, it slowly stops and begins rolling backwards... this is good...

the hay soon grew
and hid her from view
so nobody saw
her beauty and awe.
I didn't like this one as much, it is just too slow and awkward compared to the rest of the fluid verses... I think it's the switch to AABB...

then came the harvest,
the hay was brought in
not even the farmer
knew this miracle had been.
Man, this is so sad, and it makes you think... I love the message. It is sad in a thoughtful way, almost pensive... and nostalgic


Overall, this piece is amazing, and it has a great message. The emotions are conveyed so well, and such great imagery. I love it.
#5
I agree Krispy Chicken about the AABB verse. It struck me as odd too. I just I wasn't sure if it was just me or not.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#6
gaaaaaa. busted! yes, i meant prisms. fixed now, thanks.

btw, it's more than just the change of rhyme scheme in the fifth.
it's the syllable count (fewer). it changes the rhythm abruptly.
i had considered using filler words or just writing that section differently.
but i like the tension it creates before the final, so i decided to see how it played.

thanks for the comments. i appreciate it.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#8
Yeah, that was cool, had a kind of imagery that I can't describe, definitely painted a picture in my head. Has a folky type of atmosphere, quite awesome.
#10
I rather liked this piece, and the stanza that everyone seems to not like that much, i kind of enjoyed. I think i liked the difference because it finally brought out the true meaning in the piece, like before that you're not 100% sure what's going on. I mean you've introduced the girl, but you're not sure what's happening with the girl. ( I doubt that made ANY sense...) Anyway, this was very good as usual. bad critique for bad critique? The Deaf Man's Ears is in my sig. Thanks.
#11
i liked this. but i'm going to say what i really think here; what i've been thinking whenever i read your stuff, so please do not take offense as none is being targeted your way:

it's hard to take these little poems seriously. i mean, if this is your style and all; then cool.
but you never put any emotion into your writing. none of your character or personality ever shows through. it's witty, sure. it's cutesy, sure. sometimes they're even funny. but they're just.....words. words with no power. no "metaliteral"(yes i just made that word up) drive from the author.
you're very intelligent. i'd like to see what you're really thinking. not something you constructed from the lyric game "topic of the week."

...feedback?
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secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#12
the flower then sprouted
and toyed with the sun.
petals like prisms
on this million to one.

this was great (with a nod to the last stanza), but the rest of it struck me as undeveloped and (as it is the only work that comes to mind though I really dont mean to offend I just dont have another word for it) immature. The rhyme scheme underlined this. But really, there was very little depth. It had a point, it made it, but there was nothing after. I agree with Otto as well.

#13
Great job. I think you have a lot of good ideas and they are well developed. Some of the lines seemed a little short. I think if you expanded them a bit and made them more full thoughts you would have a better rhythm. If you get a chance crit mine please http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...ad.php?t=879491
I felt like a monster reincarnation of Horatio Alger......a man on the move and just sick enough to be totally confident.

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#14
I like it, the rhyme on the second and forth lines make it flow for some reason
Manchester United
#15
thanks for all the feedback, guys. i think i'm caught up with everyone who commented.


Otto,
you'll likely see much more of these 'inspired by' pieces. you'll only get to see little slices of what i think, but you'll see much of how i think from them. i don't believe i can really capture much of what a person thinks unless you write a book.

Dylan,
thank you. immature? high praise, indeed. one lasting target of mine is to write so that a 10 year old would be able to take something away from the piece. at the same time, i try when possible to weave a few messages into them.

while this was written about a flower, i had several different roles for the characters (flower, farmer, hay, and even the sun) in this lament. although the flower was cast as a female for convenience and the appeal of familiarity, she was very much me. at least one part of my personality. and one facet of my life.

in fact i see myself as each of the characters, at different times. read it again and see if you can discern a lost childhood, the abandonment of art for the sake of utility, a lover lost to insanity, or an opportunity missed by lack of awareness. they're all there, and more. but they're only hinted at. some readers will connect with them. but not all will. i think it better that way. at least that's what i think.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#16
out on the back forty,
the hayseed was sown.
though the farmer was finished,
one fact was unknown.

Great start, esp. the first two lines. I think maybe that 'lay' would be better in the last line, instead of 'was' in keeping with the idea of fields and seeds laying on the ground, or the equivalent metaphor...?

mixed in with the millions,
one singular seed
was not even hay,
but a whole different breed.

Good stuff, flows well, no real comments, except 'one' is redundant preceeding 'singular' maybe change it to 'A' or somthing like that? Also there was something about the last line, that didn't quite sit right...

the flower then sprouted
and toyed with the sun.
petals like prisms
on this million to one.

After the previous verses, it looks like you've perfected the technique and style that you've strived for. Well done.

she was like no other
who lived here before
and when she was gone
there would not be one more.

Definately this verse was a disappointment after the previous one, it's contrived and cliched.

the hay soon grew
and hid her from view
so nobody saw
her beauty and awe.

Great, until 'awe' seems like you forced it in looking for somthing to rhyme with awe. Take a little more time in thinking of a more apt word, and you'll have a strong ending.

then came the harvest,
the hay was brought in
not even the farmer
knew this miracle had been.

Really strong ending. Overally, I really liked this piece, I just felt like there were a couple of areas where the general high quality was let down a bit.
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