#1
A detailed critique for anyone who cares.



Dj Dawson’s story


Dawson always wanted to become a dj. He even became one. Like unusual hangovers there was no classic story behind it. When he was in high school there was a girl name “choosy”. Yes it was a nickname in case you are wondering. Her mother thought of it when she was forging her birth certificate. Dawson had a sensitive hormonal crush on her but he was clever enough to not to tell her.

One day he overheard a conversation between choosy and picky in which she said something like “She would dance with anyone on her favorite song”. So one day he followed her to a bar and went straight to the jukebox and started scanning play list like a CAT scan. It was then when he wrote his first song; Song was called “her song was missing”.

I was the first person who complemented him. I told him “his song sucks like Dracula”. It was then when he decided to become a dj.

In 1975 Dawson married “Julie” but her inspiration was always “choosy”. They had similar personalities. Julie was a woman of few words like him. He never stopped his music to greet audience, she never talked while stripping and they both used to flirt with high tippers. They were perfect for each other. She used to walk down the hallway pretending to be a model while he played songs. Unfortunately she cheated on him with a film producer. These days she’s all over internet. He emailed her few times with “Divorce me” as a subject but every reply asked him for his credit card details.

Anyway like a true friend, I was the first person to console him. I told him “Time spent with stripper is directly proportional to cash" and its his fault since he forgot this rule.We didn't talked to each other after that.

These days Dawson works as a motel manager in Vegas. Life is not easy for him but he’s a positive person. He believes one day a gentleman will bring a prostitute in his motel and he’ll once again see his wife. He still mix tunes and surfs internet to see if his wife has replied or if he had made it into Wikipedia.


Thnx for reading.
Hi
#2
Mmm...not really a fan of this one abhishek. to me, there just seems to be no emotion..like it just seems like you as the author didn't really get into this one. (maybe i'm way wrong, but that's just what it seemed like to me, which made it hard/boring for me to read.) Another thing, was that none of the sentences really seemed to vary in length that much, so once again making this read a very hard and boring one. I'm sorry that this crit really isn't that much help, and i don't mean to be harsh or rude in it either...i just found it uninteresting i guess...i don't have one up right now, but be on the lookout, and you can return a little crit for a little crit.

EDIT: Crit The Deaf Man's Ears? thanks andy.
Last edited by Cyclones41 at Jun 7, 2008,
#3
Thanks for your comment . AS far as emotions are concerned . They are there but in some other manner . Its sort of a story involving some dark humor in it. Anyway thanx for ur feedback . It was nice to see things from someone else's perspective.

I'll get to urs soon
Hi
#4

Dj Dawson’s story


Dawson always wanted to become a dj. He even became one. Like unusual hangovers there was no classic story behind it. When he was in high school there was a girl name “choosy”. Yes it was a nickname in case you are wondering. Her mother thought of it when she was forging her birth certificate. Dawson had a sensitive hormonal crush on her but he was clever enough to not to tell her.

One day he overheard a conversation between choosy and picky in which she said something like “She would dance with anyone on her favorite song”. So one day he followed her to a bar and went straight to the jukebox and started scanning [need a word here] play list like a CAT scan. It was then when he wrote his first song; Song was called “her song was missing”.

I was the first person who complemented [complimented] him. I told him “his song sucks like Dracula”. It was then when he decided to become a dj.

In 1975 Dawson married “Julie” but her inspiration was always “choosy”. They had similar personalities. Julie was a woman of few words like him. He never stopped his music to greet audience, she never talked while stripping and they both used to flirt with high tippers. They were perfect for each other. She used to walk down the hallway pretending to be a model while he played songs. Unfortunately she cheated on him with a film producer. These days she’s all over internet. He emailed her few times with “Divorce me” as a subject but every reply asked him for his credit card details.

Anyway like a true friend, I was the first person to console him. I told him “Time spent with stripper is directly proportional to cash" and its his fault since he forgot this rule.We didn't talked [either haven't talked or didn't talk] to each other after that.

These days Dawson works as a motel manager in Vegas. Life is not easy for him but he’s a positive person. He believes one day a gentleman will bring a prostitute in his motel and he’ll once again see his wife. He still mix [mixes] tunes and surfs [the] internet to see if his wife has replied or if he had made it into Wikipedia.


a fun read, Andy. thanks.
Meadows
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#5
I disagree with SYK's added words

It's your ellipsical (!) tone that it always a joy to read, and so I wouldn't add any of the words SYK added, bar the spelling mistakes.

No 'fense, SYK.