#1
As a child you would gather 'round the sparkling christmas lights,
With cousins rapid conversation flowing,
And sprinkle words and tinsel from the most dangerous of heights -
The window ledge 'neath sky so gently snowing,
Loving every relative acutely,
On the fourteenth of december, absolutely.

And you collected age like every other woman through the night,
It swept you off your feet like storm a-blowing,
With an eager mind and desperate will to always get it right,
You worked your way up corporate fields a-growing,
Investing in a fortune so astutely,
On the fourteenth of december, absolutely.

And the night that I first met you - you were draped in white,
'Neath urban city underground art showings,
We spoke of every abstract thinker we'd recite,
Your eyes drifting, mine so purely glowing,
In adoration of absurd effortless beauty,
On the fourteenth of december, absolutely.

I'd march through city centers' just to be polite,
Whilst you shopped for relatives you were bestowing,
You'd pull me into stores and ask me what I liked,
Scanning aisle after aisle, interest growing,
Picking out the ties that just don't suit me,
On the fourteenth of december, absolutely.

And when I was unemployed after months of poor insight,
With no ambitious passion clearly showing,
You'd support me whilst I drank away each dirty summer night,
And through winter nights you still were boldly going,
Persuading every local business to recruit me,
On the fourteenth of december, absolutely.

I'm adoring you with every breath I breathe tonight,
As tears define your beauty, smoothly flowing,
And the coffin that I wear is draped in christmas lights,
As the traffic and the crowds are gently slowing,
And majestic honored officers salute me,
On the fourteenth of december, absolutely.
#2
i didn't really know what to think of this one, Alex. the 10ish syllables per line is a tough enough place to play. and starting with 14 didn't set a comfort zone for the rhythm. I liked the storyline in this ballad more than the individual expressions. i was surprised to find i didn't hate hearing the title line being repeated at the end of each verse, as i originally expected. in fact, by the end i found it quite comforting.
Meadows
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#3
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
The 10ish syllables per line is a tough enough place to play. and starting with 14 didn't set a comfort zone for the rhythm.


Exactly. Before, I had looked to crit this, and I saw that mammoth first line and said "no, maybe later". Rhythm gets really difficult up in the 10+ area, and SomeoneYouKnew is definitly right about a comfort zone. No matter how strict or loose you are with your meter, be as strict as possible at the beginning, so we know what we're dealing with.
#4
Only V3L3 felt dead in flow.

The rest read wondefully imo. If you put it to your style of delivery in your head it fits.
#5
i don't really have a lot of time right now; but i will be back on this.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
alex, i love the way you write. you know why?
because somehow you make this intensively benevolent personality gleam off of every line, and it's such a wonderful comforting feeling as the reader goes along. it's a trait that alot of writers would trade their present abilites for in a heartbeat. never stop writing the way you do right now, please?

also, i very much liked this piece; great work, man.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
I'm actually a fan of the longer lines, I think it allows for much greater creative expression.
To many poets/lyricists try to say 1000 words in 3 words. There's no need for it and all you end up with is pretentious and flat gibbersish.
The only verses I didn't like were the 1st and 3rd ones. But the inbetween verses were good. I didn't think there was any problem with the flow, and you've written very comfortably in that line length.
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
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