#1
this songs called or more, tell me what u think

[verse]
cant bite the bullet as the blood is running down my throat
my eyes are open but before i scream theyre sure to close
a lack of effort, is what she said
cant tell the future, guitar runs red

and i cry

[chorus]
legs wont work my mind wont function
livings better in the dark
when the moon covers the sun
when the fire has made its mark

cancer is so slow and painful
bullets are so very fast
was the light before the darkness
and tell me, do i have a chance

[verse]
while mrs. mystery hates me, i beg her for a clue
a clue to solve her so that we just might be less than two
and it seems my token just isnt passing go
its in the jail cell, time passes slow

and i still cry

[chorus]
now ive read the book youve written
not as good as id suspect
didnt really like the ending
but at least its got respect

i hope that ill be in the sequel
and get the girl in the end
then we'll write these books together
finally we'll be good friends
#2
[verse]
cant bite the bullet as the blood is running down my throat
my eyes are open but before i scream theyre sure to close
a lack of effort, is what she said
cant tell the future, guitar runs red


First two lines were great however the second two seem a bit out of place(mainly the guitar runs red part. But that might just be me.

and i cry

[chorus]
legs wont work my mind wont function
livings better in the dark
when the moon covers the sun
when the fire has made its mark

cancer is so slow and painful
bullets are so very fast
was the light before the darkness
and tell me, do i have a chance


First part is great, very thought provoking. I think you should change the word cancer to something else in the second part, other than that it's good but I like the first part of it better.

[verse]
while mrs. mystery hates me, i beg her for a clue
a clue to solve her so that we just might be less than two
and it seems my token just isnt passing go
its in the jail cell, time passes slow

and i still cry


It seems a bit, not cliche, but corny with the clue/monopoly references. It works but it seems a tad on the corny side. Once again, just one person's opinion. Also I think you should flip I and still, so it reads 'and still I cry'

[chorus]
now ive read the book youve written
not as good as id suspect
didnt really like the ending
but at least its got respect

i hope that ill be in the sequel
and get the girl in the end
then we'll write these books together
finally we'll be good friends

Not a strong as the first chorus, a bit corny once again. It's decent though.

C4C?

Old thread got closed cause of a wrong title, here's the new one if you want to crit.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=878465
Last edited by drag_the_waters at Jun 6, 2008,