#1
This is one of my first shots at lyric writing, I don't actually sing in my band but nobody has wrote any lyrics so I decided to give it a shot. Any criticism is welcome, as well as any suggestions. I have about 4 more songs written as well so if you guys want me to put those up to i will. Any ideas for a title would be much appreciated as well. The song's about child abuse and overcoming the pain that it caused just so you guys know.
C4C as well

Song order= Verse
Chorus
Verse
Chorus
Bridge
Chorus

it's like a game
you seem to like to come and go,
don't hide the truth
just put it on a pedistal,
shards of glass
still lodged inside a beating heart,
now rip it out
and call it art

you ain't got nothin' on me, i'll stand up tall
i'll walk alone but i'll never fall
you lecture the moon, you preach to the sun
and in the end we'll see
who flys away on the wings of an angel
and who fades away into the abyss in the twighlight

cigarette burns
keep on addin up,
i'm on the edge
and i can't wait to see,
your face
when you see me standin' here,
better yet
when you walk away in fear

you ain't got nothin' on me, i'll stand up tall
i'll walk alone but i'll never fall
you lecture the moon, you preach to the sun
and in the end we'll see
who flys away on the wings of an angel
and who fades away into the abyss in the twighlight

i've come alive
from nothing but dirt
turned it inside out
found a haven within myself
and I feel more revived
now you've gone for good
and maybe next time
you won't lead a life of lies

you ain't got nothin' on me, i'll stand up tall
i'll walk alone but i'll never fall
you lecture the moon, you preach to the sun
and in the end we'll see
who flys away on the wings of an angel
and who fades away into the abyss in the twighlight
#6
Big thing I noticed right off the bat was the capitalization. I know that it really does not mean anything in the end because the word is still the word no matter how it is capitalized, but I feel that by capitalizing as well as adding other punctuation you will get much more feel and thought into what your writing and how it feels. I like the lyrics, but it would help to know what speed, what kind of singing, and what kind of music this would go with.
#7
Quote by TormentedRx
Big thing I noticed right off the bat was the capitalization. I know that it really does not mean anything in the end because the word is still the word no matter how it is capitalized, but I feel that by capitalizing as well as adding other punctuation you will get much more feel and thought into what your writing and how it feels. I like the lyrics, but it would help to know what speed, what kind of singing, and what kind of music this would go with.


Thanks for the crit.
It's fairly fast. The verses and bridge are more rap-esque (bridge kind of builds up tension as it goes so that it flows into the chorus better). And as for the music, the verse is like a heavier version of Rage Against The Machine kind of Disturbed-like but singing more like RATM, the Chorus is like Panteraish and the bridge is kind of a cross between Tool and Godsmack.
#8
Alright... reading through it once again and thinking a little more about content and flow I think that in the second line of the chorus the "but" should be an "and" because it makes it seem more like a pulling connection between what you are doing instead of a reliant on the past.

On the bride I do not understand the "I'm on the edge" part.
And I don't like the "As you walk away in fear"

I feel like this song is VERY strongly about pulling away from this past, but wouldn't you be moving away from the edge and leaving it behind? Also, why would you want to make you tormentor fear you? I feel that this "fear" line adds a feeling of vengeance that does not belong in the song.
#9
Hi mate.

Please read the rules, you've broken quite a few already. They are above the stickied threads in the main S&L forum. Pay specific attention to the section on titles and the section on posting frequency. Just realized I closed this same thread a few minutes ago... seriously, read the rules. Next time you get a warning.

Thanks,

-zC