#1
Hey guys, let me know what you think. C4C if you leave me a link!

Verse 1:

I thought I was colourblind,
Used to see the world in monochrome.
Couldn't open my eyes,
Or find a place I could call home.


In the back of my mind,
I always wished I could be like you.
Just like an angel,
An angel with a clearer view.

Verse 2:

I always wanted to see,
The colours draped across these walls.
The very same,
Walls that surround us all.

You were always free,
To live inside my dreams.
But the colours of this world,
Aren't quite as brilliant as they seem.

Chorus:

I was unaware,
That the world was full of distress,
Until I saw you standing there,
My angel in a dirty dress.
What used to be white,
Is now stained a darkened grey,
Like the colours of the night,
Bleeding out from yesterday.

Verse 3:

I wish I was colourblind,
Now I see the world for what it is.
I've opened my eyes,
And I can see the emptiness.

When you disappeared,
I didn't want to believe that I'd lost you.
I felt so left behind,
As you faded slowly from my view.

Bridge:

With twisted virtue,
The colours showed me what was true.
As time passed by,
I drifted further away from you.
If I hadn't opened my eyes,
I would never have to ask why,
You were taken away,
Before I had a chance to say goodbye.

Chorus:

I was unaware,
That the world was full of distress,
Until I saw you standing there,
My angel in a dirty dress.
What used to be white,
Is now stained a darkened grey,
Like the colours of the night,
Bleeding out from yesterday.
Last edited by TobyFellrunners at Jun 13, 2008,
#2
Quote by TobyFellrunners
Hey guys, let me know what you think. C4C if you leave me a link!

Verse 1:

I thought I was colourblind,
Used to see the world in monochrome.
Stop right there. Looking forward in your work here, you vary your lines somewhat. That's swell and all, but this intro doesn't lay up to that very well as far as meter. Tighten it up so that way, the rest of the piece has a backdrop. Start by cutting "monochrome".
Couldn't open my eyes,
Or find a place I could call home.

In the back of my mind,
I always wished I could be like you.
Just like an angel,
An angel with a clearer view.
The repitition is somewhat stumbling. Maybe change the last line to something like: "And then I'd have a better view". I wouldn't say clearer, because the nature of that word has the speaker blurring the two syllables together.

Verse 2:

I always wanted to see,
The colours draped across these walls.
The very same,
Walls that surround us all.

You were always free,
To live inside my dreams.
But the colours of this world,
Aren't quite as brilliant as they seem.

Chorus:

What used to be white,
Is now stained a darkened grey,
Stop talking about color so much. We've gone through sixteen lines and haven't even reached the angel yet. Get to the angel earlier (maybe put the chorus between the two verses) and then go back to the color thing to clairify. Or colorify. Yeah.
Like the colours of the night,
Bleeding out from yesterday.
I was unaware,
That the world was full of distress,
Until I saw you standing there,
My angel in a dirty dress.

Verse 3:

I wish I was colourblind,
Now I see the world for what it is.
I've opened my eyes,
And I can see the emptiness.

When you disappeared,
I didn't want to believe that I'd lost you.
Too long.
I felt so left behind,
As you faded slowly from my view.

Bridge:

With twisted virtue,
The colours showed me what was true.
As time passed by,
I drifted further away from you.
If I hadn't opened my eyes,
I would never have to ask why,
You were taken away,
Before I had a chance to say goodbye.
Okay, the flow tripped me up here. The count here is 5 - 8 - 4 - 9 - 8 - 8 - 6 - 10. Here's what I say: split it in half, so you have two quadruplets. Twist the first four to roughly 5 - 8 - 5 - 8, or as close as you can get. The next four should be straight up 8's, in my opinion. I like how the fifth line brings strength into the new meter.

Chorus:

What used to be white,
Is now stained a darkened grey,
Like the colours of the night,
Bleeding out from yesterday.
I was unaware,
That the world was full of distress,
Until I saw you standing there,
My angel in a dirty dress.


Imagery is good, but it's pretty long. I think the stuff I mentioned would tighten it up plenty. To be honest, you need to be more stingy. Don't put in every line you can think of. Be selective.
PS: Could you crit mine in my sig?
#3
The one thing I can see in this is it seems to jump around the point alot. The focus of it is hard to see, I had to read it a few times. The other thing was you wish you were colourblind but the only colors mentioned are white and darkened gray, which kind of imply that you are indeed colourblind.
However I can hear a few different flows to the song in my head and it sounds nice. I was bobbing my head while reading this.
#4
I enjoyed reading this, as you have a sort of "honesty" in this work...what I mean is that the visuals it creates for me must have been come from some depth. Id like to know, is this a piece of creative writing, or the lyrics to a song (sorry if i missed some sort of specification)? I heard a tune.
Your Signature:
#5
They are the lyrics to a song I wrote. I'd like to know what you mean about honesty, it's an interesting point for you to make. As for helping you with the tune, I'm hoping to make it a piano driven song, but still have an acoustic chord progression running behind it, perhaps just those two instruments and vocals.

By the way I've decided to cah nge the chorus, so the first 4 lines become the last 4 lines, as it makes more sense when I read/sing it that way.

Got anything up you'd like me to take a look at Justin?
#6
Verse 1:
I thought I was colourblind,
Used to see the world in monochrome.
Couldn't open my eyes,
Or find a place I could call home.
Good, this captures my interest from the very first line.

In the back of my mind,
I always wished I could be like you.
Just like an angel, <--But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
An angel with a clearer view.
Instead of seeking after a clearer view, perhaps you want a better view. Because angels can fly to a higher altitude and, thus, can see more. I don't know. I guess it depends on what you are going for.

Verse 2:
I always wanted to see,
The colours draped across these walls.
The very same,
Walls that surround us all.
This is a bit of a departure from the first verse. I can still follow, though.

You were always free,
To live inside my dreams.
But the colours of this world,
Aren't quite as brilliant as they seem.
At this point, you may want to replace colours with another word... tones, shades, etc.

Chorus:
What used to be white,
Is now stained a darkened grey,
Like the colours of the night,
Bleeding out from yesterday.
I was unaware,
That the world was full of distress,
Until I saw you standing there,
My angel in a dirty dress.
Once again, replace colours. This is a good chorus, though. At this point, there isn't much you can do to improve upon it.

Verse 3:
I wish I was colourblind,
Now I see the world for what it is.
I've opened my eyes,
And I can see the emptiness.
This is good. You can see emptiness even though emptiness is an intangible in the way you are using it.

When you disappeared,
I didn't want to believe that I'd lost you.
I felt so left behind,
As you faded slowly from my view.
So why don't you do something about it? Did she die?

Bridge:
With twisted virtue,
The colours showed me what was true.
As time passed by,
I drifted further away from you.
If I hadn't opened my eyes,
I would never have to ask why,
You were taken away,
Before I had a chance to say goodbye.
Well, did she die? This bridge could use some work here and there. I was a bit confused at one point... "If I hadn't opened my eyes/I would never have to ask why" is almost like a double negative. Or maybe I'm inebriated but...

Chorus:
What used to be white,
Is now stained a darkened grey,
Like the colours of the night,
Bleeding out from yesterday.
I was unaware,
That the world was full of distress,
Until I saw you standing there,
My angel in a dirty dress.
I like that you refrained from overusing the chorus. If you want to, though, because of the length of this chorus, you could alter the lyrics so the two choruses differ a little here or there.

Just make sure that you aren't overusing certain words. This is a fine piece. However, I might consider suggesting that you compare specific colours to to different concepts, emotions, etc. because colour appears to be a central theme to this song.

If you want to critique one of mine, I'd like some feedback on the Ladder one in my signature. Thanks.
#7
"If I hadn't opened my eyes/I would never have to ask why"

By this I meant that, by not opening my eyes, I would never have found out she was gone, therefore I wouldn't have to ask why she was no longer there, if that makes sense.

I'll take a look at your piece tomoro mate, I'm working at 6 tomoro morning so I've got to get some shut-eye, lol. And I'd rather give you a good crit rather than a quick one before I go to sleep.

Thanks for the crit mate, much appreciated =]
#8
That's a good change in my opinion, I like that the title of your work now comes at a time which may be less "ordinary"...that may not be the right term, I dont know how else to describe what I mean lol.

By honesty, i mean that there are a lot of vivid images you put out there...

"Used to see the world in monochrome"
"The colours draped across these walls."
"My angel in a dirty dress." <- even your title

This means you must have had these thoughts in your mind, or at least something to that effect...for whatever reason, you've put them into writing, but kept the imagery there, meaning it must have been important, in some way, to you. I hope all of that made sense, lol, im not great at explaining my own mind. Frankly, I could be completely wrong.


The only work I currently have up is this, the lyrics to a song I finished some time ago.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=882145
Your Signature:
#9
I thought I was colourblind,
Used to see the world in monochrome.
Couldn't open my eyes,
Or find a place I could call home.
I'm not sure how I feel about the last two lines. You start off by saying that you're colorblind and used to see. . . but then you say you couldn't open your eyes. And the part about finding a home doesn't fit to me.

In the back of my mind,
I always wished I could be like you.
Just like an angel,
An angel with a clearer view.
I think you could cut out the word "Just" on the third line. It implies a different person/thing you wanted to be like, as opposed to calling the original "you" an angel. I agree with others on saying that "clearer" might not be the best word.

Verse 2:

I always wanted to see,
The colours draped across these walls.
The very same,
Walls that surround us all.
This stanza doesn't make much sense. Which colors? And the break between line 3 and 4 messes up the flow for me.

You were always free,
To live inside my dreams.
But the colours of this world,
Aren't quite as brilliant as they seem.
These two ideas don't meld for me. The first two lines, good. The last two lines, good. Together, ehh... I don't see how the last two apply to the first two and vice versa.

Chorus:

I was unaware,
That the world was full of distress,
Until I saw you standing there,
My angel in a dirty dress.
What used to be white,
Is now stained a darkened grey,
Like the colours of the night,
Bleeding out from yesterday.
I could be missing something on this, but, to me this song has felt personal.. So when you say world, I don't imagine the collective population, but rather you and your angel. So, to me, the second line should read "That my world" instead of "that the world." It adds to the personal feeling to me... But it also adds a cliche factor, and closes the opportunity for more than one interpretation to its meaning. Other than that, I love the chorus. Beautiful.

Verse 3:

I wish I was colourblind,
Now I see the world for what it is.
I think these two lines read better as "I wish I was still colorblind, now that I see the world for what it is."
I've opened my eyes,
And I can see the emptiness.
And these read better (to me) as "I've opened my eyes and now I see the emptiness."

When you disappeared,
I didn't want to believe that I'd lost you.
I felt so left behind,
As you faded slowly from my view.
Cliche, but clear, and serves its purpose well how you used it.

Bridge:

With twisted virtue,
The colours showed me what was true.
Not sure about the first two lines here... I'm starting to get aggrivated by the colors. I don't know what they are and they're so important to the song. What are they?! lol
As time passed by,
I drifted further away from you.
If I hadn't opened my eyes,
I would never have to ask why,
You were taken away,
Before I had a chance to say goodbye.
I like the ending to the bridge. Your explanation of these lyrics was what I was assuming. Nice and sad. lol

Chorus:

I was unaware,
That the world was full of distress,
Until I saw you standing there,
My angel in a dirty dress.
What used to be white,
Is now stained a darkened grey,
Like the colours of the night,
Bleeding out from yesterday.
#10
First of all... Thank you for writing a Song! I've seen so much prose and poetry on this site that I am going to go blind..... Colourblind....
Anyway, not that the prose is bad, because some of it is amazing, but it just aint my thing! So keep writing songs (because then I actually have something to crit!)

Verse 1:

I thought I was colourblind,
Used to see the world in monochrome.
Couldn't open my eyes,
Or find a place I could call home.

The first line was a great line, (its why initially I thought I would like to crit this piece) Normally if a song starts with a bad line, its very hard to come back from, as a good starting line puts you in a good frame of mind
One change though....
You've put 'I thought I' and suddenly its 'hey! Me me meee!' So Personally I would just start on 'Thought I was colourblind,' This seems much more powerful.
Do not take the monochrome word out, it would ruin evrything! lols, i think it is a really good word to use.
The find a place to call home doesnt really fit in with any of the song, you could keep going here with the blind comment. and say something like:
'Couldn't open my eyes,
So I could distinguish different tones.'


In the back of my mind,
I always wished I could be like you.
Just like an angel,
An angel with a clearer view.

Like the back of my mind, good start to second half.
But to many I's in the second line.... and it somewhat messes up the flow.
Would be better as 'Always wished I was like you' I think that way it seems more straight to the point.
I can really see Just like an angel being a really powerful line. so love it.
Not sure about the repetetion afterwards and i dont think clearer view fits together realli, I am unsure how to make this line better. maybe just leave it as 'With a stronger view' but again unsure.


Verse 2:

I always wanted to see,
The colours draped across these walls.
The very same,
Walls that surround us all.

I really like the idea and point of this part of the verse! but... (cringing face) it just needs rewording...
I think you could take out the begining 'I' and just start with always.
You could take out both 'the' and 'these' in the second line as I feel that these are unimportant words, and I dont think that it would ruin the flow.
Leave 'the very same' in, but put walls on the end of this line instead of at the beginning of the next, and then say 'which surround us all'...


You were always free,
To live inside my dreams.
But the colours of this world,
Aren't quite as brilliant as they seem.

Good start line again,
next line good,
Why did you start with but! could change it to 'Shame, the colours...'
Good last line, I can see it with drums coming in here to just boost the whole song flow, and make the point really powerful.


Chorus:

I was unaware,
That the world was full of distress,
Until I saw you standing there,
My angel in a dirty dress.
What used to be white,
Is now stained a darkened grey,
Like the colours of the night,
Bleeding out from yesterday.

For me the chorus has the right ideas but it isnt what I expected.
I was unaware is poor for a starting line.
Personally I would be temted to put 'bleeding out from yesterday' as a starting line, as this line seems the most emotional line in the song. then 'like the c o the night.' but as other people have said your like ' colours colours colours.' I would say
'Bleeding out from yesterday like the darkness of the night.'
An angel in a dirty dress, stained a muddy white.
I was unware, this world was full of stress,
Until I saw you standing there in your dirty dress.'
Sorry for completely rewording it, but Hope this helps.


Verse 3:

I wish I was colourblind,
Now I see the world for what it is.
I've opened my eyes,
And I can see the emptiness.

I like the follow back to thought i was colourblind, really like how the song has turned around genius! like you didnt want to be colourblind, and now your saying wait make me blind again! this world sucks! amazing! but lol just take out the initial I and say 'wish i was colourblind'. hmm second line then doesnt seem to flow, but someone told me to never start with Now, and i thinky they were right so... I would say, 'Cause I've seen the world for what it is' then take out the 'I've' in the next line.
Last line good.


When you disappeared,
I didn't want to believe that I'd lost you. <-- Could take out the 'that' here?
I felt so left behind, <----I know this will be sung! but left reads as an anogram of felt! brilliant!
As you faded slowly from my view.

Love the link back to 'view'.

Bridge:

With twisted virtue,
The colours showed me what was true.
As time passed by,
I drifted further away from you.
If I hadn't opened my eyes,
I would never have to ask why,
You were taken away,
Before I had a chance to say goodbye.

Good bridge I think, but I dont like the mention of colours again, I think you have said it already to much, apart from that, 'its all gud'

Chorus:

I was unaware,
That the world was full of distress,
Until I saw you standing there,
My angel in a dirty dress.
What used to be white,
Is now stained a darkened grey,
Like the colours of the night,
Bleeding out from yesterday.


Great song, great ideas, enjoyed reading and critting. Gave me something to do...lols. Anyway, soz if i was too directful about the points, but hey thats my crit style, personally i wouldnt crit and i would rearrange the whole thing myself, but I guess thats not my job.... wish i was paid for it though! Just tell me if i should calm my critting down or if it was actually helpful....

PM. when you have reworded it, would love to see how this gets developed.
Also heres a link to my latest, Broken
#11
These lyrics are awesome. I don't care in the slightest the you over used the word "color". Everything else in the song makes up for it. This would be an awesome hardcore song. I just heard it instantly in my head. I want to steal it so bad, but i wont. The only thing that I have to criticize has already been said. Just everytime you say colors just very it up a little, don't use colors twice in a row. Hope I was helpful. C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1168793