#1
A poem I just wrote. Thoughts?



Keep your eyes to the ground.
Better to keep quiet then say it out loud.
Some things you just can't forget.
Step after step, you'll be better off yet.
Hurry before it gets too dark.
Half past seven and you're not past the park.
Hurry you have to get home.
Sometimes it's good there even if you're alone.
Keep the lights turned low.
Thoughts are fast when everything else is so slow.
Twelve o'clock, you can't sleep.
Day dreams at night, you twist in your sheets.
There's no peace in solitude.
The flames are bright but won't lighten your mood.
Three and you sit in your chair.
Fire place is burnt out and there's nobody there.
You are a ghost more then her.
She is free while you sit and feel the world turn.
#2
This is really great.
But I reckon you could make a more powerful ending than the one you've got, It just doesn't feel right.
Great job
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#3
That's really powerful. I feel a lot of pain and sorrow in the tone. Out of it my favorite two lines are probably these:
Day dreams at night, you twist in your sheets.
There's no peace in solitude.
Those really caught my attention, gave off a lot of emotion, and provoked thought.
#4
Thank you. It was written literaly half an hour ago. I had started to write more after those last two lines, but it didn't quite sound right to me after that point. I saw a man I know walking his dog. His wife died not too long ago, and he didn't look good. It inspired this.
#5
Tlast two lines seem to indicate that a woman is involved, but her place isn't defined early on. Not that the piece actually NEEDS her to be good. It's an excellent piece. Still, I''d like to see her role in this poem hammered out a little. I think one additional couplet squeezed in the middle would do the trick.

EDIT: Ha, you answered while I was writing. Very powerful.
#6
I'll be back...
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
wow....that was GREAT. Sent shivers down meh spine! Sometimes it gets a little forced though. might wanna work on the natural flow...other than that, great poem. c4c?
#9
really good. great job. I really dug the line "You are a ghost more than her". Maybe you could make it longer and talk about the different emotions brought on by the death of someone you love.


if you get a chance crit mine please https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=879491
I felt like a monster reincarnation of Horatio Alger......a man on the move and just sick enough to be totally confident.

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Oh and Zeke, i find you to be over-rated
Last edited by Zeke5000 at Jun 9, 2008,
#10
Quote by Solemn Silence
A poem I just wrote. Thoughts?



Keep your eyes to the ground.
Better to keep quiet then say it out loud.

The syllable count starts pretty unevenly. Not a bad thing.

Some things you just can't forget.
Step after step, you'll be better off yet.
Hurry before it gets too dark.
Half past seven and you're not past the park.

Using the familiar phrase of 'the park' seems odd as you haven't already introduced the idea of any park. The endless repetition of different versions of 'you' obviously give this idea of familiarisation with the writer and the character but doesn't introduce it to the reader as well as I'm sure you are able to.

Hurry you have to get home.
Sometimes it's good there even if you're alone.

'Good' just isn't a strong enough word, especially with no other explanation of what about it is 'good'.

Keep the lights turned low.
Thoughts are fast when everything else is so slow.

The syllable count here is nice and very like in the opening lines... gives the idea of franticness =]. I have a problem with it just darting to them being home straight after you saying they have to be.

Twelve o'clock, you can't sleep.
Day dreams at night, you twist in your sheets.

'Day dreams' seems too nice a phrase for what you're trying to convey. 'Twist in your sheets' is cliched and I'm sure you could think of some lovely metaphor that would be more effective.

There's no peace in solitude.
The flames are bright but won't lighten your mood.

Maybe 'there's no peace in this solitude' would be more fitting? Again with the introduction of 'the' flames without any prior mention of them. It just seems odd. A description of the flames that this person is seeing, albeit a short one to keep with the franticness, would be nice as it would add to the imagery and introduce it.

Three and you sit in your chair.
Fire place is burnt out and there's nobody there.

'Three o'clock' would fit nicely instead of just 'three'. A more subtle approach to saying 'there's nobody there' (assuming that this is meaning they're a ghost and they are also not there) would be nice, with some lovely imagery it could be beautifully chilling.

You are a ghost more then her.
She is free while you sit and feel the world turn.

More *than* her, yeah? That seems too open. Who's 'you', who's 'her'? After the somewhat straightforwardness of the rest of it, this phrase seems unfitting. Turn is nice, but maybe after the ideas of the flames, burn?


The lines 'no peace in solitude' and 'three and you sit...' don't seem to fit in but are nice. With the rest of the tone in this piece, 'there's no peace in this solitude' might fit well, or something along that line. Again with the 'o'clock' after the 'three'. I like the feel of this but think it could really be added to and made much more effective with some nice bold imagery and some bolder words. I like the franticness of it too though, so if you edited it make sure to keep that as it's very effective.

Hope that was helpful and I wasn't too much of a twat .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
Keep your eyes to the ground.
Better to keep quiet then say it out loud.
Some things you just can't forget.
Step after step, you'll be better off yet.
These 4 lines are great
Hurry before it gets too dark.
Half past seven and you're not past the park.
Hurry you have to get home.
Sometimes it's good there even if you're alone.
These 4 are weaker than the first 4, they don't match in length, so the rhythm is thrown off somewhat. I liked the repetition of 'Hurry' but I felt that there wasn't really a need for 'Sometimes' in the last line. Without it would give the line more imperative.
Keep the lights turned low.
Thoughts are fast when everything else is so slow.Add a comma after 'fast' and remove 'when.' Otherwise it's great.
Twelve o'clock, you can't sleep.
Day dreams at night, you twist in your sheets.
There's no peace in solitude.
The flames are bright but won't lighten your mood.
Probably the stongest part so far, but I'd maybe suggest changing 'won't' to 'don't', this seems more in keeping with the tense that it's told in...?
Three and you sit in your chair. In all the other mentions of time you use 'o'clock' so it throws the reader off a bit when it's missing here, I can see why you havn't used it, but maybe you'd consider just using a different way of confirming that it's a time you're talking about... Such as 'Clock strikes...' or '3AM' or something along those lines?
Fire place is burnt out and there's nobody there. Maybe use something a bit more descriptive than 'Fire place' such as 'hearth' or 'embers, grille' &c.
You are a ghost more then her. The weakest line in the poem, it has potential but it lets the previous high quality down a lot.
She is free while you sit and feel the world turn. Again, weaker, I thought it was good, but weaker overall than the previous lines in the work. A stronger ending would benefit the poem greatly.

If you want to pick mine apart too, it's in my sig. Hope I helped anyway
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