This is a speech I'm giving to the pre-AP 10 class at my school. Tell me whatcha think.
Miller's Fourteen Points
After spending the year carefully paying attention and diligently preparing every assignment, I've learned several things about AP English 11.
First and foremost, I've learned that the best time to start any English assignment is at about 10:30 PM after a track meet. I've found that during this time the brain is most stimulated and prepared to expound on imagery, diction, syntax, and symbolism throughout the 500 page novel you haven't read. I've also found that this method allows one to skip the proofreading process, as the tired brain subconsciously fixes mistakes in a stylistically original way. Don't listen to your friends who try to tell you that your paper doesn't even look like it's written in English. They're just jealous that they don't transform the English language like you do. Another thing I have learned this year is that all essays look better in Courier New. It's not that I'm trying to make my essays look longer, it's just that Times is such a humdrum font.
The seventh thing I learned this year is that the Internet is the greatest invention known to man. I have found Wikipedia to be the greatest research aid since the invention of sliced bread by the Pope Adolf Hitler in 1492. An online thesaurus can help to make your writing much more compulsive and will help you to replace boring words like interesting. Sparknotes is basically the same as reading the book, it just takes less time. Also any ideas you get from Sparknotes do not have to be supported by literary evidence as they're obviously correct – who wants to waste time proving something thats already been proven?
Finally, the fourteenth and final point I'd like to make is this: to succeed in AP English you must have strong skills making every tiny detail into page, upon page of literary analysis. Some authors may try and trick you into thinking what they write is actually what they mean. Don't be fooled. Everything has a deeper, secret meaning that only you can reveal in a 2-3 page, double spaced essay due Friday.