#1
Hai guise, it's my first time in here. I've lately been inspired to start writing my own lyrics, so here's my first full work. Tell me what you think.

The River Serene

Bound not by dogma, man or divine.
Cries of years past, all left behind.
Never to return, to a life so trite.
Goodbye.

Reflection violates the river serene.
Wavering stillness mirrors my faith.
Minds not the inquisition,
Of what it means to be.
The gliding water speaks.

Been many a year since I last saw those faces.
Intruding footprints reflect their traces.
The last of them pass me by.
No words exchange, though uncloaked I lie.

Why is it that I remain unseen?
Defilers pass by to the river serene.
Question, they may. At the stillness, they stare.
For them, no words the waters bear.

Reason subdues, I must return.
Decisive questions,
To calm my concerns.
Growing unrest,
In the waters once still.
Mirrors my mind,
So I discern.

Heeds not my calls.
Insanity crawls.


The story is pretty easy to understand, I think.
Quote by denizenz
I'll logic you right in the thyroid.

Art & Lutherie
#2
It sounds like it has something to do with religion but I can't quite follow it, but that could be just me. I'd like to know what kind of genre this fits in so I can make up how it would sound in my head. In all honesty I think it just needs a chorus to repeat itself to drive home the point of what this song is about, everything seems to have a different structure to it, But the use of vocabulary is good. Definitely shows intelligence and thought.
#3
I didn't want it to have a chorus.

It's a story of a guy who is fed up with the society he lives in (fed up by both law and religion), so he secedes to a secluded area, the "river serene." The river answers his questions about life ("of what it means to be." Mind that the metaphorical idea I want to get through is that he finds his answers through introspection, modeled by the river's stillness). He is content with his lifestyle for many years until he sees some men walking through his newfound habitat.

The two references to the intruders not noticing him indicate that he is very in-tune with nature. However, as he looks the intruders standing by the river, he sees that they are just like him, looking for answers. He somehow senses that they haven't found an answer from the river as he did, so he begins to doubt the truth of the river.

The last stanza, preceding the final two lines, outlines his return to the river, but the river does not reply this time because he doubts its validity.

Finally, he goes insane.

EDIT: It's going to be a metal song. Vocals alternating between growls and cleans. The stanzas concerning the protagonist visiting the river will be sung in clean vocals. The rest will be done in growls.
Quote by denizenz
I'll logic you right in the thyroid.

Art & Lutherie
Last edited by darkstar2466 at Jun 7, 2008,
#4
for a first piece, i like this. even not being a first, there's plenty to like.
there's nothing in there that's so powerful that you couldn't slice and dice it,
but most of it stands up pretty well on it's own.

but the ending felt lacking.
Heeds not my calls.
Insanity crawls.


the first line points back to the river itself,
but you haven't mentioned it specifically, recently.
and the last is a weak rhyme and not a powerful image.
also, saying insanity directly is weaker, imho, than having sanity fade.
let the reader/listener connect the dots and decide for him/herself how far he descends.
Meadows
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#5
Good idea keeping a chorus out of it, it probably would have hurt the flow of the story.
Also, i really like the plot of the story

Crit mine