#1
hey just working on some lyrics for a song. only have verses as of yet but would love some feedback.

she was, the girl who stopped the world
for a while
now her skins
expired

a ring, new life breaths
down the wires
but it sounds so tired

a new, flame burns my skin
melts away
the cold
of the wait

but i, i want the frost to stay
to remember
the embrace
of the winter

i taste, rose flavoured lips
and i cry
coz i
caught fire

and now, her words get me high
as they rush
like sugar
through my blood


cheers
#2
The verses seem too short and I don't really like the comma after teh second word on each verse but other than that they are good.
#3
yeea it does look quite short however, the song is quite slow and the words are drawn out
the coma is just to represent a new line but it actually continues from the previous one

cheers for your input
#4
Quote by swell_bucket
hey just working on some lyrics for a song. only have verses as of yet but would love some feedback.

she was, the girl who stopped the world
for a while
now her skins
expired
Sets the scene. Skins should have an apostrophe, though. As far as flow, I suggest that the last two lines are combined, and the section after the comma in line one gets its own line. Now it should sound more natural.

a ring, new life breaths
Do you mean "breathes"? And "a ring" sounds out of place. It doesn't contribute to the rest of the line. It's like "Random Noun, new life breathes."
down the wires
but it sounds so tired
Good.

a new, flame burns my skin
Same comment as before. The comma is meant to split the phrasing, but a new line would do the job better.
melts away
the cold
of the wait
Actually, this is pretty good. You've done fairly well with the rhythm.

but i, i want the frost to stay
to remember
the embrace
of the winter
Loved it.

i taste, rose flavoured lips
"Flavored" is a hard word to work. How's about "your rosy lips"?
and i cry
coz i
caught fire
Fire is pretty cliche. Unless you go into more detail (fire of love, failure, remorse?), I don't see it adding value.

and now, her words get me high
as they rush
like sugar
through my blood
Not really a conclusion, just another verse. Decent, though.


Overall, I enjoyed the read. I think the verses were presented incorrectly, because the flow was all junked up. Set them so it's short, long, short, long like I mentioned in the first verse, and it will be fine.