#1
I wrote this as a continuation from a theme I keep rewriting and following on with. Its based on my past and the way I want to change the way I am. Hopefuly for the better. So obviously this piece means a lot to me. It also has policital overtones. I hope you enjoy it and I'll of course be politely critical of your words as well.

Suck, Steal and Tested

Test me with your questions
I'll break you with my answers
I set aside time for the future
And lay back to watch it come

Its the rest of my life
Decided in a page

Bleeding the waterfall dry
Encouraging me to cry
I'm sick inside every story
Boring you to the brink of blemish

Too slow
Cheat my way through
I am the cheated
I am the sick

All those festering desires
Awaken as the blight perspires
To live inside a Ross
Is the forever dwelling color

The aging tree never rests
Its sugar roots are blessed
I'll eat them all up
Then there will be amity

At least for a while

Too fast
I'll steal the answers
I cheated
I am sick

Sucking the answers salty
An ocean with no shore
I'm still standing on the line
Waiting to step out of crime

Space can open up so much
Forest's can cure the cancer
But why?
My papers don't answer that

I'm too slow
I'm too fast
I can't steal the show
So am I sick?

I am the broken dreams
That never even existed


_____________________________________________________


This is the edited version, hope you enjoy.


Suck, Steal and Tested


Test me with your questions
I'll break you with my answers
I set time aside for the future
And lay back as it bled inside

Sucking the answers dry
From the salty ocean floors
I'm still standing on the line
Trying to control the lies

Bleeding the waterfall dry
You encourage me to cry
Sickened by the blemish
Of soporific stories

Too slow
I'll stead the answers

Sickened and never proud
I have cheated

All those festering desires
Awaken as the blight perspires
To live inside a Ross
Is the color tarred stone

The aging tree never rests
Its sugar roots are blessed

From their elite birthplace
We swallow there blissful face
There will be an amity
At least for a time

Its the rest of my life
Decided on a page

Too fast
Stolen clues and bitter news

With sickened nervousness
I cheated

Space can open up so much
Forest's can cure the cancer
But why?
My papers can never answer yo
u


More citicism is more than welcome. Try not to be too harsh, I've spent hours on this bloody thing!
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Jun 9, 2008,
#2
Hey there!

First of all I must say the link to "A.X.Y.B.Up.Down.Left.Right" is directed to the new thread, you might want to change it

Now, since this piece is obviously very personal, it gains charisma, strength and an image of you in the past. You give a clear image of unseccessfulness being too slow or too fast in something which I believe you don't specify and if you do, (or try to do so), I don't get it. Which leads to the only defect I can point to it: this piece doesn't "touch" me nor "moves" me. That should be important in such a personal piece. Nonetheless, it was understandable and you gave an image of it. Overall, it's good
#3
Well basically, I tried to make the point that exams and tests are too important in this world. If you fail in your exams, in this country anyway, you fail in life; "Its the rest of my life Decided in a page". But also how that doens't make sense: They put so much pressure on you to succeed in your exams in your school and college degrees, but its still nearly impossible to find a simple job in the local supermarket. My brother earned himself 520 points out of 600, the best in his class...He can't even find a simple factory job. All that pressure for nothing. "Space can open up so much, Forest's can cure the cancer, But why? My papers don't answer that."
I never had dreams of getting huge points, I just wanted a simple life in music. But they still pressured me. But whatever I did, whether I was slow, fast, I cheated, a became a criminal, or whatever, they were never happy with me.
There is a lot of metaphors that I hope people understood. Maybe its cause' your not of my background that you don't understand it?
What do you think I could do to make it clearer about how I disdain the curriculum and the way the school systems run their tests?
#6
Hey glad you got a better vibe from my new one, I've been wanting to get to this all day but it eluded me.

Test me with your questions
I'll break you with my answers
I set aside time for the future
And lay back to watch it come

I like it, the only suggestion I'd make is to reverse 'time' and 'aside' in the 3rd line. This helps it flow better. I might be wrong but it seems like you struggled to find a suitable last word in your 4th line? If I'm wrong tell me, but if not then yeah don't sacrifice a good verse with a weak last word.

Its the rest of my life
Decided in a page - Decided on a page maybe?

Bleeding the waterfall dry Loving the imagery
Encouraging me to cry The long 'Encouraging' stutters the flow a bit, maybe consider changing it to 'You encourage...'?
I'm sick inside every story
Boring you to the brink of blemish

The last two lines are good, but because there's no immediate rhyme pattern, I'd suggest something like this to round it off more nicely.
You're sickened at every blemish
Torn by tears over each story
Just my personal opinion tho

Too slow
Cheat my way through
I am the cheated
I am the sick

Didn't feel this bit was really necessary

All those festering desires
Awaken as the blight perspires
To live inside a Ross Rose?
Is the forever dwelling color


Great stuff here, not quite sure about the choice of the word 'dwelling' in the last line... I mean it sounds nice an rolls of the tongue an all, but to the thinking, discerning reader, it seems a trifle... like maybe you just grabbed the 1st word out of a thesaurus... sorry to be blunt.

The aging tree never rests
Its sugar roots are blessed Why? By who?
I'll eat them all up Weak, you know you can do far better than this. Sort it out.
Then there will be amity - Nice

At least for a while

Too fast
I'll steal the answers
I cheated
I am sick

Much better than the previous bridge, maybe consider replacing that one with this one, and using it in a chorus/hook type role?

Sucking the answers salty ...
An ocean with no shore On this boundless ocean might be a bit more apt
I'm still standing on the line
Waiting to step out of crime Again, you can say this better.

Space can open up so much
Forest's can cure the cancer
But why?
My papers don't answer that

Good

I'm too slow
I'm too fast
I can't steal the show
So am I sick?

Did nothing for me

I am the broken dreams
That never even existed

A fairly weak ending. Overall you might want to just consider pruning a very good piece of all the unnessary frills an that which encumber it. Otherwise, I dug it.
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