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#1
btw i dont write storys never have done unless you count the trainstation lazor lol wut pear story. but i got thinking so this is the start of somthing i want you to post feed back.

i would like it to be like

"OMGZ!!!111!! THAT WAZ THE GR8EST THING EVA U HAV CHANGED MI LIFE!!!1111ONE22T WOTTWELVE"

or not

so here it is

story is old i have posted a link to new version its post 53



yes i went there its a meme story read it and weep

ive decided to slowly work on it using this site to save on
so what do you think???????????? ????????

as a story not a spelling exam
✠ ☠ ✠
RIP Ronnie James Dio


Fendi Shoes is actually extremely advantageous.
Last edited by sirrjj at Jun 8, 2008,
#3
Quote by sirrjj
so what do you think???????????? ????????

Honest to blog*, I don't know.


*HINT, HINT
#5
I didn't read it because I don't like stories telling me what to do
ohai little sig.
#6
Just skimming through it, you use YOU too much. Find a different way to word things without using the same words over and over and it will be alot better.
Quote by WaggyPlank
so yeah, now i have poop floating around in my ballsack.
#7
Quote by sirrjj
btw i dont write storys never have done unless you count the trainstation lazor lol wut pear story. but i got thinking so this is the start of somthing i want you to post feed back.

i would like it to be like

"OMGZ!!!111!! THAT WAZ THE GR8EST THING EVA U HAV CHANGED MI LIFE!!!1111ONE22T WOTTWELVE"

or not

so here it is

the first thing you notice is the throbbing pain in your head as you
lay there for several minutes, slowly you start to feel a cold metal
floor underneath you as you realize you are laying down. you hear the
distant hum of a slowly spinning fan as your senses begin to return.
you open your eyes squinting at the bright light above you as you
slowly lift your head. as you get used to the light you start to notice
more, the room is bare except for a metal door. it reminded you of a
police station cell door with a small sliding view in the middle, other
than that the floor was made of some kind of metal while the walls
where paded with white cushion like material. on the roof is a small
vent which you hear the fan coming from. you lift yourself off the
floor using the wall to steady yourself. you feel slightly dizzy. you
judge the room to be about five by five meters and 3 meters high.
shocked at your new surroundings you walk towards the door, locked. you
try the view port it budges slightly, you put your whole wight into it
and finally it opens. you arn't prepared for what you see, out side the
view looks like a hospital, the first thing you notice is the quiet.
then you notice more instead of the clean orderly appearance of a
hospital it seems abandoned, as if the inhabitants had just picked up
and left not stoping for even the smallest thing. rubbish fluttered
around the floor, a trolly full of equipment lay on its side its
content looking as if it had been there for days. out of the corner of
your eye you see a movement, you turn to look and all you see is a rat
scurrying across the hallway out of sight. you follow where it had come
from you see a corridor coming off the hallway and on the ground just
sticking out barley visible.. was a hand.

just then you hear a
click and you felt the door slightly move. you push the door slowly the
door slide silently open, as you started to take a step out you felt
slightly cold you step out into the hallway and look both ways taking
in what you see. on the left the hallway goes on for about ten to
fithteen meters then ends with a wall and corridors going in both
directions. on the right you see the the entrance to the building you
then look behind you at the door, nothing seems unusual. you then walk
up to the hand. there laying on the floor was what appeared to be a
doctor, the smell hit you straight away you realize the bodies been
there for some time, you step closer and judge by the look of the
wounds down his back that he was hit by something sharp and you would
have said they looked like claw marks dazed at what you just found you
walk towards the entrance taking in you surroundings. the hospital was
trashed with chairs scattered across the floor and rubbish everywhere.
the entrance was once a giant glass front with sliding doors now it was
just a smashed frame. you walk out into the street and the truth hits
you harder and faster than an a-bomb. buildings in every direction
where smoldering piles of ruble what you. expect to be a fairly large
city is lying in ruin the most of the buildings still standing are no
more than 4 stories high with a few slightly taller buildings sticking
randomly out of the rubble.

"hello!!" your voice rings out across the ruins but you get no reply.
you
start walking down what remains of the street. after half an hour of
walking you still haven't seen a sign of anyone, you are in a less
built up are now some warehouses lay about doted in between low
offices. this area doesn't seem to have been hit as hard as the rest of
the city by whatever did the damage. on either side of you is two
ruined warehouses, as you walk in between them you hear the slight
movement of ruble. you look up towards the left building where you
heard the noise. that's when you heard the voice "freeze!!" you look
towards the right and see three armed men wearing camo combat clothing carrying gp assault rifles (you remember the name for
some reason). then on your left you here movement and see five more
soldiers aiming over a wall. you stood perfectly still, "who are you"
it was the man who spoke before

you wait a few seconds before replying.
"I don't know, but I whistled for a cab and when it came near
The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror
If anything I can say this cab is rare
But I thought 'Now forget it' - 'Yo homes to Bel Air'

I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8
And I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later'
I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there
To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air

so what do you think???????????? ????????



ABSOLUTELY EPIC
#8
Quote by Ziggums
If you learn to use capitals then I'll read it...

ok ill edit it

edit:
nice ending nowhereoutthere

btw its meant to be a start to my first story eva
✠ ☠ ✠
RIP Ronnie James Dio


Fendi Shoes is actually extremely advantageous.
Last edited by sirrjj at Jun 7, 2008,
#10
Quote by RiseAgainst
Just skimming through it, you use YOU too much. Find a different way to word things without using the same words over and over and it will be alot better.

I agree but I have never read a story from my point of view. It's like 1st-er person.
#11
It can still be described from that point of view, and wording your sentences differently can keep someone who normally would quit reading after the first 5 times you say "you", reading through the whole story. Seeing the same words bores the mind, but if you keep a different way of wording it flowing, thats how you can hook a reader (assuming the whole point/plot is a good one.)
Quote by WaggyPlank
so yeah, now i have poop floating around in my ballsack.
#12
Quote by NowhereOutThere
ABSOLUTELY EPIC


Hahaha I see what you did thar!
Quote by 20cdndollars
You are god, floppypick



Floppydick


If that's how you read my name, leave a message saying so on my profile
#13
Quote by Demonikk
I didn't read it because I don't like stories telling me what to do


its trying to put you into the shoes of the charecter
✠ ☠ ✠
RIP Ronnie James Dio


Fendi Shoes is actually extremely advantageous.
#14
I think the use of "you" is called second-person perspective. "I" is first and He/She is the third.
YOU WILL LOVE EACH OTHER
YOU WILL LOVE EACH OTHER
YOU WILL LOVE EACH OTHER
YOU WILL LOVE EACH OTHER
YOU WILL LOVE EACH OTHER
YOU WILL LOVE EACH OTHER
YOU WILL LOVE EACH OTHER
//////////////////////////////////////HEALTH
#15
Yeah sorry, I just skimmed it. The numerous You's in it made it unbearable.

I'm sorwy
Quote by 20cdndollars
You are god, floppypick



Floppydick


If that's how you read my name, leave a message saying so on my profile
#16
shall i replace all the you's with i's?
✠ ☠ ✠
RIP Ronnie James Dio


Fendi Shoes is actually extremely advantageous.
#17
or shall i use third person perspective?
✠ ☠ ✠
RIP Ronnie James Dio


Fendi Shoes is actually extremely advantageous.
#18
its not bad at all... once u start reading its hard to quit...but i suggest u change the viewpoint to either 1st person or 3rd person... Using the reader as the character just doesn't work work well to me. telling the reader how he/she feels is very unnatural.

overall i think this could be an awesome story... the use of mystery and suspense is a very powerful tool to keep readers into the story...

and i would add more sensual descriptions, so the reader can picture the environment better...

and if you continue the story make sure you add more emotion... the lack of emotion in the beginning is fine and works well to add to the confusion, but some character development is definitely needed...i suggest you give the character a dark path filled with bad decisions
#19
Quote by sirrjj
shall i replace all the you's with i's?


nein, ich's

Just rewrite it without saying you as much or at all.
Try having the same story, but tell it as if the character is telling ze story, Ill post my first part of my story.

just gimme a minute.
Quote by 20cdndollars
You are god, floppypick



Floppydick


If that's how you read my name, leave a message saying so on my profile
#20
ok ill start a re write
✠ ☠ ✠
RIP Ronnie James Dio


Fendi Shoes is actually extremely advantageous.
#22
Try reading this.

While it's not a piece of written beauty, maybe try writing it in this sort of way. I find it much more enjoyable then seeing you 50 million times.

You never can be over prepared, so I like to think, and that's why I always make sure my gun is clean and loaded before I go out. I slid in the magazine and pulled the slide back causing a bullet to rise up into the chamber,ready to fire. I then pressed the release button and the mag slid out into my hand, I quicly grabbed another 9mm bullet out of the box and placed it into the magazine which I then placed back into the gun.

Sure, call me crazy but in Chicago you never know whats going to happen on the job, so like I said I always like to be prepared. It was dark as I walked over to my car, but not to cool. The slight breeze felt calming as it rushed against my skin. I took a moment to stand outside of the car, the breeze was nice compared to the hot muggy air inside the detatchment, I then slipped inside my car and drove off looking for the nearest palce to get a coffee.

Working the night shift, honestly, blows. It messes up your brain, even if you sleep all day you're still tired, which is why I always get a coffee before going anywhere. I found a place soon enough and stepped out of my car to go get a nice cup of coffee. A few minutes later walked out of the place and continued driving until I reached an quiet area where I could park my car.

I was about halfway through my drink when I saw a young girl,in a slightly revealing shirt and short shorts walking down the sidewalk about 20 yards away. A man, who I hadn't seen before, walked was walking towards her. They began talking, I was too far away to hear, plus my window were closed, but I figured the guy was doing pretty well, she was smiling and laughing. This went on for about 3 minutes when the man suddenly kissed her. A little odd sure but she didn't seem to mind, infact her whole body seemed to relax a little, then she slumped down to the ground, but the man in stead of being surprised from the fact that the lady he had just been tongue wrestling with collapsd, knelt down, and began licking her neck.
I took a quick gulp of coffee before slowly opening up my car door, then drew my gun. The young lady now lay twiching and moaning as the man knelt over her, his coat covering he face. This was a little odd, but I've definatly seen weirder in my few years of working here, and with a calm voice I yelled out

"Hey man, what the hell do you think you're doing, get of her, I think she's had enough!"

He quickly shot up and turned, his pupils huge, and blood covering his mouth. Now this, this was something I've never seen before, so I pulled up my gun and yelled "Get the **** on the ground, and put your hands in the air". Like most criminals, he decided to completely disregard what I had said and began walking towards me, after about 5 steps he broke out into a full sprint, so, I shot him.
His shoulder shot back and he stopped running, and looked over the wound on his left shoulder. He then looked at me and grinned, his teeth covered in blood. Eww, creepy. Sure my gun is only a 9mm but most people would be on the ground screaming after being shot, I know from experience, but this guy, he didn't seem too bothered by the fact that I had just shot him, so I fired two more shots into his chest.

He took a step back from the force of the two bullets, then stared up at the sky. Thats when I noticed his skin, it was expanding and contracting all over his body, small rips begain to appear, and right before my eyes, a human sized bat like creature burst through the flesh of what I had though before to be a man. The creature spread its arms, a sticky membrane unfolded between its arms and body.

This is where I really started to freak out, and I don't really care, call me a wuss, but I bet you'd be ****tin your pants if this had happend right infront of you. The creature then screamed and ran towards me. On the first shot I wasn't aiming to kill, but from the look of this thing, I don't think it deserved to live, so I fired two more rounds into the things head, which pitched back from the force of two more bullets. I looked around then jogged over to the thing, which was laying in the middle of the road, I was about 2 feet away when it began thrashing its limbs, so without thinking I fired three more rounds into its stomach which stuck out a bit, like the thing enjoyed to eat and drink, a lot.

Blood erupted from its ruptured gut, and covered the things short fur, enough blood to fill a gallon jug pooled around its body in only seconds, luckily the creature had stopped moving. I dashed back to my car to radio in for someone, because this, was ****in creepy.

I had picked up the radio inside my car when something smashed through the hood of my car, sending the back up about a fot from the ground. My windshield glass cracked, so I lifted both legs and shouted as I kicked it out towards the thing. It fell down to the road on its back struggling to get up, so in the time I had I grabbed the shotgun in the back of my car, then stepped out, not pausing to ask questions, I let out a shot, right into its gut, It had worked before after all, but this ones gut didn't explode into a bloody mess like the other one, but instead just shredded it.

I then remembered the girl who had been walking down the road, just minutes later and ran over to her. She was quite still, but even so this was some messed up ****, so I had the gun aimed at her. One of her arms lashed out faster then I could realize what was happening, and it grabbed onto my legs.
"I'm so hungry!" she screamed and drew her head towards my leg, so, I kicked in the head with my other foot. The results were quite pleasing as she let go of my leg and her body went limp. I quickly drew out a pair of handcuffs, not knowing how long she would be uncounscious for, and put them on her
I was about to get up and head back to my car to try calling for someone to get over here, when i heard a deep voice from behind say "Back up from the girl, and drop the gun".
****, my day keeps getting better and better.
Quote by 20cdndollars
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Floppydick


If that's how you read my name, leave a message saying so on my profile
#23
that is pretty cool ^
no offense but hasn't that been overused?
Good read though...
Last edited by Mr.Witty at Jun 7, 2008,
#24
Quote by Mr.Witty
that is pretty cool ^ but what is this vampire crapola?
no offense but hasn't that been overused?
Good read though...


I had recently read a good book, imagine every horror movie and fairytale in real life, but nobody knows except for a few people (magicians).

I wanted to write something like that because I was bored.
If you want to read more of it I can give you a link to the thread.
Quote by 20cdndollars
You are god, floppypick



Floppydick


If that's how you read my name, leave a message saying so on my profile
#25
^nice writing style, but as soon as i realised it was a vampire i lost all interest.
YOU WILL LOVE EACH OTHER
YOU WILL LOVE EACH OTHER
YOU WILL LOVE EACH OTHER
YOU WILL LOVE EACH OTHER
YOU WILL LOVE EACH OTHER
YOU WILL LOVE EACH OTHER
YOU WILL LOVE EACH OTHER
//////////////////////////////////////HEALTH
#26
Quote by sg255
^nice writing style, but as soon as i realised it was a vampire i lost all interest.




why does nobody like vampires, sheeesh.
But yeah, the story wasn't the point, it was more the style. If you wrote it in a view sort of like that, where everything is happening to the character in real time, and he is telling about it and telling you his thoughts on the situation.
Quote by 20cdndollars
You are god, floppypick



Floppydick


If that's how you read my name, leave a message saying so on my profile
#27
Quote by floppypick


why does nobody like vampires, sheeesh.
But yeah, the story wasn't the point, it was more the style. If you wrote it in a view sort of like that, where everything is happening to the character in real time, and he is telling about it and telling you his thoughts on the situation.



Sorry, but they're overdone, and pretty boring.

The idea of horror story things going on in real life has been done before too.

Still, the only problem was with the plot, everything else was pretty cool.
YOU WILL LOVE EACH OTHER
YOU WILL LOVE EACH OTHER
YOU WILL LOVE EACH OTHER
YOU WILL LOVE EACH OTHER
YOU WILL LOVE EACH OTHER
YOU WILL LOVE EACH OTHER
YOU WILL LOVE EACH OTHER
//////////////////////////////////////HEALTH
#28
loved your story btw i like vampires

also ive updated my story
✠ ☠ ✠
RIP Ronnie James Dio


Fendi Shoes is actually extremely advantageous.
#29
i'd still want to read it though, to pass the time
link?
Quote by destroy_techno
Quote by Mr.Witty
There!
Snake Eater has transferred! Play it!
HEY!

This isn't snake eating porn...




GT Crew & Fishy & Techno

Judge Magister of the 'Guns shouldn't be included in every damn game you bloody poinkers!'
association
#31
That was painful to read. It took lots of effort to make it to the end.

And reminded me EXACTLY of 28 days later
tl;dr : IM BETTER THAN YOU
#32
definitely better then before.

Did remind me of 28 Days later as well.
Quote by 20cdndollars
You are god, floppypick



Floppydick


If that's how you read my name, leave a message saying so on my profile
#33
Quote by rocknrollrob
That was painful to read. It took lots of effort to make it to the end.

And reminded me EXACTLY of 28 days later


yeah i guess it does.
i started out with somthing else in mined like he was being experimented on thars why there was a metal floor but that idea changed but in fact its a going to be a sci fi war story
✠ ☠ ✠
RIP Ronnie James Dio


Fendi Shoes is actually extremely advantageous.
#34
-The yous mixed in with the hes really don't work. Pick a narrative point of view and stick with it. I really don't recommend you try 'second person', though.
-Your grammar is pretty terrible. Just overall.
-You kept switching back and forth between past and present tense. Pick one and stick with it.
-Your grammar is terrible.
-I'd comment on the plot, but I gave up trying to read it after the first paragraph.
-Your writing style isn't so great either, grammar or no grammar.
-But your grammar is still terrible.
-Sorry if it's a bit harsh, but that's just my opinion on it. Well, the fact that your grammar is terrible isn't an opinion, it's a fact, but the rest...OK, the only part that was opinion was my comment about your style.

EDIT: | *isn't a guy*
........V
Quote by J_J

stupid ppl (they're like slinkies, not good for much, but they make you smile when pushed down the stairs)

Quote by Meths

Holy non-gender specific pronoun Batman!

Quote by freakypop

you dont rly play guitar if you dont shred
Last edited by demonmouse500 at Jun 7, 2008,
#35
everything that guy said ^
sorry TS
Quote by destroy_techno
Quote by Mr.Witty
There!
Snake Eater has transferred! Play it!
HEY!

This isn't snake eating porn...




GT Crew & Fishy & Techno

Judge Magister of the 'Guns shouldn't be included in every damn game you bloody poinkers!'
association
#36
its ok i guess i need to improve before i post
✠ ☠ ✠
RIP Ronnie James Dio


Fendi Shoes is actually extremely advantageous.
#37
Quote by sirrjj
its ok i guess i need to improve before i post


Don't worry about it not being great. Continue it but try to make it as best as you can. Think about it throughout the day, then write at the end of each day. It's what I did, and while mine still blows, it's not as bad as me previous writings.
Quote by 20cdndollars
You are god, floppypick



Floppydick


If that's how you read my name, leave a message saying so on my profile
#38
floppypick, your story has intrigued me...
i take back my vampire crapola comment
*edits post*
Quote by destroy_techno
Quote by Mr.Witty
There!
Snake Eater has transferred! Play it!
HEY!

This isn't snake eating porn...




GT Crew & Fishy & Techno

Judge Magister of the 'Guns shouldn't be included in every damn game you bloody poinkers!'
association
#39
Quote by Mr.Witty
floppypick, your story has intrigued me...
i take back my vampire crapola comment
*edits post*


Hehe, thanks

I'll PM you if I decide to continue it, hell if you wanted to start writing go right ahead, but at I just haven't felt it for a while.

think you can post in the thread and bump it !
Quote by 20cdndollars
You are god, floppypick



Floppydick


If that's how you read my name, leave a message saying so on my profile
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