#1
First draft of a song i'm writing c4c

Walking down through the town tonight
Visions of my immortality
Run down the dusty road
Jenny turns away,
Some busker plays,
A mournful ode,
Loneliness leans on me,
And shows me where to go,

And in the shelter of the retreat,
Two lovers huddle close together,
And two more are doomed to meet,
Outside the night screams,
And a fight breaks out in the street,
Darkened alleys step aside,
As i look for a light to guide,

When you sell your soul just to run away,
You know you're gonna break on through someday,
We're trespassing on fortune and fame,
Stick with me girl i can win this game,
There's no one who knows how i feel,
Lord knows that ain't part of the deal,
Cos baby tonight,
We own the night,

Haunted souls stalk the lonely paths,
And shattered dreams cry out in pain,
Cool cats are chillin down by the tracks,
Drop out losers talk of dead end dreams,
But i swear its gonna be,
This washed up town aint gonna break me,

Needs a bit of work in the 3rd verse i feel but lets hear your opinions
#2
Quote by JimmyStradlin33
First draft of a song i'm writing c4c

Walking down through the town tonight
Visions of my immortality
Run down the dusty road
Jenny turns away,
Some busker plays,
A mournful ode,
Loneliness leans on me,
And shows me where to go,

The first line flows well, but then the addition of the word "tonight" kind of breaks the building tension a little bit. I don't know what could replace it though.
"Visions of immortality" is very nice but I'm not so keen on the following line. The rest of it feels very much like a sweet poem that you can imagine on old Irish woman repeating with a glass of Jameson whiskey in her warm hands.


And in the shelter of the retreat,
Two lovers huddle close together,
And two more are doomed to meet,
Outside the night screams,
And a fight breaks out in the street,
Darkened alleys step aside,
As i look for a light to guide,

The words "close together" might be better left out. "Darkened alleys step aside, As i look for a light to guide," is a brilliant description and creates a certain vivd image in your head.


When you sell your soul just to run away,
You know you're gonna break on through someday,
We're trespassing on fortune and fame,
Stick with me girl i can win this game,
There's no one who knows how i feel,
Lord knows that ain't part of the deal,
Cos baby tonight,
We own the night,

The first line is lovely, but the next line lets it down. Then the line "We're trespassing on fortune and fame," is also brilliant, but once again feels ruined almost by the line proceeding it. The ryhming feels a little bit forced in the last four lines.


Haunted souls stalk the lonely paths,
And shattered dreams cry out in pain,
Cool cats are chillin down by the tracks,
Drop out losers talk of dead end dreams,
But i swear its gonna be,
This washed up town aint gonna break me,

First line; Once again conveys strong imagery. Apart from the last line, this is an excellent verse.

Needs a bit of work in the 3rd verse i feel but lets hear your opinions


Overal, even though its not my style, I can respect it and see how someone could love this piece. 'Tart' is up a little bit and it could be drastically better I feel. Hope that was a fair critisizm mate. I enjoyed reading it.