#1
Acoustic again. On the spot. VERY on the spot. critique for critique.

I close my eyes because it's easier
to follow your lead than take my own
My hand grasping your shoulder,
Gripping so tight, i'll never let it go

This life is slipping into a dream
One that no one will ever hear,
Drifting so far away
This dream will soon disappear

I need a light that can be seen
Through closed doors and tears
A thunder clap that can be heard
Through the deaf man's ears

You may fall to the ground
And in turn I may fall behind
But no need to worry,
Out of sight, out of mind

I'm living the best I can;
it's hard to drive through the rain
I'm feeling real good
But it's hard to smile through pain

I need a light that can be seen
Through closed doors and tears
A thunder clap that can be heard
Even through my deaf ears
Last edited by Cyclones41 at Jun 9, 2008,
#2
Some of it is repetitious. You could work on that in a few places, like where it says hard twice, unless you were trying to do something with that. The word "party" doesn't seem to fit the tone very well, you could probably use a synonym. The line "A dream no one will ever hear" could probably be conveyed better with some different wording. Dreams aren't really heard unless you're MLK. I really like the So
"I need a light that can be seen
Through closed doors and tears
A thunder clap that can be heard
Even through my deaf ears"

It's alright, but if you work a bit it could be a lot better.


if you get a chance crit mine please https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=879491
I felt like a monster reincarnation of Horatio Alger......a man on the move and just sick enough to be totally confident.

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Last edited by Zeke5000 at Jun 9, 2008,
#3
Don't get caught up in cul-de-sac rhyming. That is, going round and round and re-using all the rhymes we've all heard before, each with the exact meaning I've heard before.

Best evidence; penultimate verse. Ordinary ideas with blander execution. It was nothing new or special.

The actual content I have read many times before, tis true. However, on the whole your flow was okay bar a few lines (V1L2 esp.) and you kept a consistent tone throughout.
#4
I agree with Jammy. The rhymes are less than stellar. Flow was good. I think you need some zingers in there when it comes to images, as stanza three is the only one that caught my attention. On paper, the song's not all that bad. I thinkt the problem is it was made only with flow in mind.

Crit mine in my sig?
#5
i liked this least:
This life is slipping into a dream
One that no one will ever hear,
Drifting so far away
This dream will soon disappear

This seemed filler
having your sense of reality slip into a dream is one thing, but life? meh.
don't be afraid to rip this verse to the bone or even replace it entirely.


the chorus is okay, but i didn't like the last pass:
So I need a light that can be seen
Through closed doors and tears
A thunder clap that can be heard
Through even my deaf ears

It will play better without So
and try flipping even and through in the last line
and dropping my. you might like it better that way.
Meadows
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#6
Verse are the most weak part of your song as compared to the chorus . Most of the lines in verse are very common . Difference here is that you tried to take it in some other direction but it still lacked the vision or purpose . Maybe thats the reason that some of them feels like filler instead of actual content.

I know its hard to write a love song these days . Whatever you do people say its cliche and all but there's always a way around it . Best way to do this is to write something that is so personal to you that other people can relate to it or they can say yup it can happen to anyone of us or we are sure it will happen to you.

Love is a very vast topic and its so common that you should have a unique perspective to look in it . Now people say girls are more emotional than guys . They can express feelings much better than us . I see that missing in your piece. You wrote it but but you don't own it on emotional level.

As far as images are concerned . They are weak because they lack in a background story . Sometimes a common image can be used to tie up a great scene . For instance a script writer uses common line to close a scene but its the story involved in it that separates it from other stuff in the same genre.

WEll jammy covered most of it and everything has already been said to you . I felt like giving advice instead of critiquing your piece. I'll say this again "It might be a gr8 song to perform but lyrically nothing fascinating".

Thanx for the critique . I can still tear this song apart just tell me if you want me to do so .

Keep posting
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