#1
Crows gather in the front lawn
To feast on scraps
You wont give the dog
Cracks in the driveway are torn apart
So that they may display
Green grass you cant keep
Its grown to be about six feet

I live in an old house
Its about to fall apart
I live in an old house
Its getting dark

All the lightbulbs blew up
The kerosene lamps are empty
Last girl i brought home
Turned around walked out and slapped me
All of my furniture
Is coated in a plethora
Of spiderwebs and dust
It's become a tough outer crust

I live in an old house
Its about to fall apart
I live in an old house
She's lost any charm

Jesus christ couldn't
Save this place
God knows he tried
Cupboards are full of his blood
And so's the cold basement floor

I live in an old house
It's about to fall apart
I live in an old house
It should be condemned by now

it's something i've been working on for a while. came out randomly. I haven't been writing much latley. crit 4 crit. . . don't be shy I can take negative comments.
I felt like a monster reincarnation of Horatio Alger......a man on the move and just sick enough to be totally confident.

Quote by Hexagram
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Last edited by Zeke5000 at Jun 8, 2008,
#3
Quote by Zeke5000
Crows gather in the front lawn
To feast on scraps
You wont give the dog
Cracks in the driveway are torn apart
So that they may display
Green grass you cant keep
Its grown to be about six feet

You had soem great ideas but It wasn't written to the same standars, if you know what I mean.

I live in an old house
Its about to fall apart
I live in an old house
Its getting dark

A juvenile rhyme there. Dark and apart are over-used to the extent that it isn't even funny . Again you had some great ideas but this wasn't written to the same extent.

All the lightbulbs blew up
The kerosene lamps are empty
Last girl i brought home
Turned around walked out and slapped me
All of my furniture
Is coated in a plethora
Of spiderwebs and dust
It's become a tough outer crust

I liked this but it didn't do its job in some places. "Last girl..." line made me laugh and that's a statement in itself.

I live in an old house
Its about to fall apart
I live in an old house
She's lost any charm

Jesus christ couldn't
Save this place
God knows he tried
Cupboards are full of his blood
And so's the cold basement floor

I liked the assonance, this is the most powerful stanza of this piece.

I live in an old house
It's about to fall apart
I live in an old house
It should be condemned by now



Overall you had some good ideas, with a few revision you should have yourself a good piece.
#4
I really enjoyed the second verse. There is some solid imagery, and the use of the word plethora was nice. The chorus I felt lacked a bit, maybe something else in there to change it up a bit. Referencing the blood of christ was deffinately enjoyable, I'm under the impression your talking about wine, though I may be wrong. All in all, a good piece. Thanks for the critique.
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i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#5
the chorus could be better. repeating the first line as the third gives it less appeal. and your choice in the second makes it impossible to do anything more than near-rhymes with the fourth. the idea of altering the fourth to tie in more closely with each verse is good. but that's the only real charm. you might try to find a replacement for the second that will give you the opportunity for solid rhymes. less likely, but you never know, you might even find a pair of lines you can use for the first and third that are different from each other with a strong rhyme rather than repeating the first.
Meadows
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#6
i really liked the whole thing. I thought you were taking into a different direction in the beggining though with the reference to the crows and scraps you won't feed the dog. The chorus was the weakest and could be a omitted or changed and the very last line needs work. Other than that i enjoyed the piece. I espicailly liked the refernece to christ's blood being wine it was very abstract and original and i actuallly had to think on that for a couple seconds. Good job and keep it up and thanks for critting mine. I am going to post another soon so be sure to look for it!
#7
Quote by Zeke5000
Crows gather in the front lawn
To feast on scraps
You wont give the dog
Cracks in the driveway are torn apart
I think "cracks" should appear later in the line, because the internal rhyme with "scraps" sounds out of place at the beginning. It seems like a good thought, though.
So that they may display
Green grass you cant keep
Its grown to be about six feet

I live in an old house
Its about to fall apart
I live in an old house
Its getting dark

All the lightbulbs blew up
The kerosene lamps are empty
Last girl i brought home
Turned around walked out and slapped me
Pretty funny.
All of my furniture
Is coated in a plethora
Of spiderwebs and dust
It's become a tough outer crust
I'm thrown off by the rhyme scheme change at the end of the stanza.

I live in an old house
Its about to fall apart
I live in an old house
She's lost any charm

Jesus christ couldn't
Save this place
God knows he tried
Cupboards are full of his blood
And so's the cold basement floor
That's a chilling thought. It's looking more like "Saw" at this point. It didn't bother me, but the floor shouldn't be "full" of his blood, right?

I live in an old house
It's about to fall apart
I live in an old house
It should be condemned by now

it's something i've been working on for a while. came out randomly. I haven't been writing much latley. crit 4 crit. . . don't be shy I can take negative comments.


Flow was nice. Subject, though rarely attempted, required a somewhat playful language - which you provided. I have to say, that interlude really stuck out to me. I don't know if you wanted to change the mood, but you did. And I agree that the chorus was weak. It felt more like a review than actual material.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Jun 10, 2008,