#1
passion bleeding death
i'll stare up and cry
tears are endless like betrayal
this life is just a lie
and tears are endless like betrayal..

CHORUS:can you feel it burning through
their thoughts are heard and seen in all
but we bleed it out and know WE are the truth

passion bleeding death
he looked down and died
tears but instruments of betrayal
their grief is just a lie
tears but instruments of betrayal..

CHORUS:can you feel it burning through
their thoughts are heard and seen in all
but we bleed it out and know WE are the truth

BRIDGE THING:suffocating they see before the end
an escape that too few ignore
and pain is gone,has drifted on
but look what they've left behind

passion bled through death
they look back and cry
tears flow endless from sorrow
this life is not a lie
and tears flow endless from sorrow..


comments please.one of my first songs by the way.
#2
passion bleeding death
Makes an impact, but does it actually mean anything? It doesn't conjure up any imagery for me
i'll stare up and cry
tears are endless like betrayal
this life is just a lie
and tears are endless like betrayal..Again, good potential with the imagery, but it just doesn't really make any sense

CHORUS:can you feel it burning through
their thoughts are heard and seen in all
but we bleed it out and know WE are the truth
This is ok

passion bleeding death
he looked down and died
tears but instruments of betrayal
their grief is just a lie
tears but instruments of betrayal..
This is much stronger than the first verse, and the repetition of the last line is good, but maybe you want to do the same in the 1st verse, to add some continuity of form and flow. In the second and last lines you might want to say 'Tears are but instruments of betrayal' Otherwise it doesn't flow or make much sense.

CHORUS:can you feel it burning through
their thoughts are heard and seen in all
but we bleed it out and know WE are the truth

BRIDGE THING:suffocating they see before the end
an escape that too few ignore
and pain is gone,has drifted on
but look what they've left behind
Think more carefully about the rhyming scheme. You use a lot of good imagery, but again, the 1st line doesn't really make much sense.

passion bled through death
they look back and cry
tears flow endless from sorrow
this life is not a lie
and tears flow endless from sorrow..
Again with the first line, think about whether you can change it around a bit so that it makes more sense when read. This verse is strong as well.
All in all, there's a lot of potential here, you just need to make sure that the verses match each other in length and meter, otherwise the flow is thrown off.


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#3
Quote by captainanarchy7
passion bleeding death
i'll stare up and cry
tears are endless like betrayal
this life is just a lie
and tears are endless like betrayal..

I like the idea of "passion bleeding death". The use of the repeated line is very odd, I don't know whether it works or not, its hard to tell. What is a lie about this life? You have to explain it more indeptly.


CHORUS:can you feel it burning through
their thoughts are heard and seen in all
but we bleed it out and know WE are the truth

Where are the thoughts seen? Are they seen in all human beings, or animals? Once again, you need to explain yourself better.

passion bleeding death
he looked down and died
tears but instruments of betrayal
their grief is just a lie
tears but instruments of betrayal..

This is a nice reiteration of the first verse. It doens't add anything more in terms of content, but it adds another level to it that makes this piece more enjoyable to read.

CHORUS:can you feel it burning through
their thoughts are heard and seen in all
but we bleed it out and know WE are the truth

BRIDGE THING:suffocating they see before the end
an escape that too few ignore
and pain is gone,has drifted on
but look what they've left behind

The first line doesn't make sense to me. Maybe I'm ignorant and foolish but it justs doesn't click. The next three lines are quite powerful in themsevles and say a lot. But who is "they"?


passion bled through death
they look back and cry
tears flow endless from sorrow
this life is not a lie
and tears flow endless from sorrow..

What are you trying to say with "passion bled through death?" Its a little vague without being poetic and metaphoric enough to be discernable after time. Why do you then say "life is not a lie"?



comments please.one of my first songs by the way.



Overal, as this is your first song, its quite good. It certainly is deathly, in a good way!
One thing you may like to do though is, evaluate some of your thoughts and themes, correct them if needed and extend them into something else. Preferably something a little more enlightening then death and sorrow. When you write about "death" and "sorrow", you need to make the reader's actually feel like death. And unfortunately, I didn't really feel depressed with this.
Otherwise, its literary and enjoyable.
#4
Thanks!!i'm very open to criticism and you guys have given me a lot ofgood tips!i'll try change it around a bit and post the corrected version!Thanks again!
#5
Quote by captainanarchy7
passion bleeding death
This is a bad way to start. It's flow is clunky, because its just three words. They don't connect. PASSION - BLEEDING - DEATH. And worse yet, they disagree with the flow of line three, which was a tried and true gem as far as rhythm.
i'll stare up and cry
tears are endless like betrayal
this life is just a lie
and tears are endless like betrayal..
Not liking the repeat here. Put something else there, like "and truth's hidden under the veil".

CHORUS:can you feel it burning through
their thoughts are heard and seen in all
but we bleed it out and know WE are the truth
"the truth" extended past the limit. Take two off of that line. Otherwise, plenty good. As a sidenote, end line one with a period, so we know it doesn't stay with line two.

passion bleeding death
he looked down and died
tears but instruments of betrayal
their grief is just a lie
tears but instruments of betrayal..
"but instruments" sounds a syllable too long. And "but" adds too hard of a sound to it. It's like "Tears, Bu-Tinstruments (typo on purpose). The B and T in "but" are very combative.

CHORUS:can you feel it burning through
their thoughts are heard and seen in all
but we bleed it out and know WE are the truth

BRIDGE THING:suffocating they see before the end
an escape that too few ignore
and pain is gone,has drifted on
but look what they've left behind
Flow is good, except for the first line. You really should end line four with a rhyme in this case.

passion bled through death
they look back and cry
tears flow endless from sorrow
this life is not a lie
and tears flow endless from sorrow..


comments please.one of my first songs by the way.


I think the song is plenty good, considering it's one of your first. Tightening up some of the parts will let your imagery roam free.

Crit mine in my sig?