#1
Help Me

Am I just another teenage "casual tee"
Broken down from this suburban life
I didn't ask to be born to the middle class
But I was, so I try to make the best of it

I feel guilty cause I go to shopping malls
I feel guilty cause I'm better off
Can't you see I didn't ask for none of this
I'd give it up for some self-esteem

So help me, I'm a nervous wreck
Help me, I can't do things right
I may have money but I've got no skills
I'd give up everything for a better life.


More to come, all I got so far. Crits please.
#2
i the first line turned me off.
Am I just another teenage "casual tee"

if you phrase it like a question, shouldn't you end it like a question?
throwing your play on words inside quotation marks
brings too much attention to it.
better to just lay it out there, i think.
you might even double it:
Am I a teenage casualty in a casual tee?

or
A teenage casualty in a casual tee

but perhaps doubling would be a bit much for your tastes.
in any case, drop the quotes.


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=878186
gimme a read, comment if you like, or just pass one on to somebody else.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#3
Hey, man I'm glad you have the ability to imagine some "non-sucky" U2 =p"

Am I just another teenage "casual tee"
Broken down from this suburban life
I didn't ask to be born to the middle class
But I was, so I try to make the best of it

I feel guilty cause I go to shopping malls
I feel guilty cause I'm better off
Can't you see I didn't ask for none of this
I'd give it up for some self-esteem

Yeah you might want to try elaborating on the points that you've made, 'cause it seems like you just re-iterate the same point in 3 different ways, and that can be effective but you could try alternative methods...

So help me, I'm a nervous wreck
Help me, I can't do things right
I may have money but I've got no skills
I'd give up everything for a better life.

You need to make yourself clearer, you say that you feel guilty for being born into the good-life and what you're saying is that you'd give up all the trappings of the bourgeoisie for some self-confidence. Not for faster cars and chandeliers. Make that clear to the reader.

Yeah, I actually empathised with this song on a lot of levels dude. There's just a couple of things that I've outlined there, but yeah it's definately a good effort.
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
RED MILITIA FACTION
#4
Thanks for the crits, SomeoneYouKnew, I put quotes there because I wanted to demonstrate that I know how to spell casualty, but that it was a play on words. I didn't put a question mark because I find having too much punctuation in a lyric sheet or a poem makes it busy. but thank you.

and Trickycindy, thank you for the crits, I did write it in a very short amount of time, maybe took me 15 mins to write it, so it is definitely still a work in progress.