#1
we'll fall into comfort and sulk.
how our lips intertwine in harmony,
and how we laugh in harmony.
the ignorance of our souls keep us distant,
lost in a land of serenity,
our efforts stay indolent but we know our days are
outnumbered
and we know we are but wasted time.
we are hopeless counterfeits.


opinions?
"i'd give my soul to be where i was a year ago... if i had a soul left to give"
Last edited by TV Party at Jun 8, 2008,
#2
we'll fall into comfort and sulk.
how our lips intertwine in harmony,
you could remove the full-stop from the first line
and change how to as to open the second.
you could even drop our, if you like.

and how we laugh in harmony.
unless you change the second line
you really should remove and from the third
to make the repetition of how dead obvious. intentional.

the ignorance of our souls keep us distant,
I'd go singular (ignorance) with keeps.
lost in a land of serenity,
our efforts stay indolent but we know our days are
outnumbered
and we know we are but wasted time.
the opening 5 words of that line look awful to me.
we know was a bit soft in the previous line, but here it sticks out like a sore thumb.
far too conversational in nature for an introspective piece.
you could begin the line with know or knowing
depending on whether you choose to link directly back to the previous line.
or just begin at the second instance of we.

we are hopeless counterfeits.
i wouldn't begin this line with we are unless that's exactly how you begin the previous. else just begin at hopeless.

in a piece this brief, every phrase or single word has more power.
you might want to look for something that sounds less desirable for serenity and/or less unpleasant than sulk.
Meadows
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#3
thanks a bunch!
"i'd give my soul to be where i was a year ago... if i had a soul left to give"
#4
Quote by TV Party
we'll fall into comfort and sulk.
I don't see any connection between "comfort" and "sulk" as far as meaning.
how our lips intertwine in harmony,
and how we laugh in harmony.
Having both lines end with "harmony" threw me off, considering the one line is two syllables longer. I'd just remove the second occurance.
the ignorance of our souls keep us distant,
lost in a land of serenity,
our efforts stay indolent but we know our days are
outnumbered
The flow of these lines is up and down the place. I rarely find it appropriate for a line to be made up of one word, unless the entire piece had it occur repeatedly. And why "outnumbered"? I think "numbered would be quick, natural, and have a sudden quality, defining the shortness of the days.
and we know we are but wasted time.
we are hopeless counterfeits.
I agree with SYK. "We are" is out of place.


It's not bad. It's just that flow, diction and rhyme we're sacrificed for imagery. Not every line has to be an image. Keep what images you think are the best, and make flow with the others. If an army was made up of only bazookas, it wouldn't be an effective army.