#1
Without You

I’ve trying to talk to you for awhile

but I don’t know how to say it

it’s just whenever I see you I can’t help but smile

and I feel like taking a leap of faith


Chorus
but you don’t want to hear what I have to say

not that it would matter anyway

‘cause you’ve got him and I’ve got my guitar

but I won’t go far

without you (echo)


we used to be the best of friends

then we both made a few mistakes

now the silence never ends

and I just want something to break it


Chorus

Bridge/Solo

Build up


(last part same as chorus but more spoken than sung)

I don’t care if you don’t want to hear what I have to say

I’m gonna tell you now

that if you ever need someone

I’ll be here waiting for you

(repeat “waiting for you” until end of song)
#2
Quote by Carrik_Caser
Without You

I’ve trying to talk to you for awhile
but I don’t know how to say it
it’s just whenever I see you I can’t help but smile
and I feel like taking a leap of faith
This stanza is decent, but there are a couple of annoyances in here. Line three, no matter how I cut it, is way too long. Also, I don't mean to go too deep into Poetic principle, but the stanza doesn't flow right because they don't stick to a certain rhythm (strap yourself in, this will take a while). Syllables in poems are meant to be either short or long. As in, you breeze through it, or hang on it. Rhythm, according to many poets, is the "regular alternation of short and long sounds". Most words naturally have a certain sound about them (the word "again" would be short/long). The problem is, the rhythms naturally occuring within these lines do not flow with EACH OTHER. Most of them can be turned into rhythms, but the other lines would be clunky then. Pick a rhythm and tweak your wording to keep that rhythm.


Chorus
but you don’t want to hear what I have to say
not that it would matter anyway
‘cause you’ve got him and I’ve got my guitar
but I won’t go far
without you (echo)
The first couple lines are okay, but I liked lines three and four rhyming, mainly because it played as an internal rhyme.


we used to be the best of friends
then we both made a few mistakes
now the silence never ends
and I just want something to break it
Good image in the second half. Omit "both" in line two.


Chorus

Bridge/Solo

Build up


(last part same as chorus but more spoken than sung)

I don’t care if you don’t want to hear what I have to say
I’m gonna tell you now
that if you ever need someone
I’ll be here waiting for you
The first line ruined the flow, but the next three are fine, and it's a good idea to express. I think since none of the lines rhymed, you lost some strength. Hows about line two says "I'm gonna tell you the truth", so it's a half rhyme with line four.

(repeat “waiting for you” until end of song)


Okay, so you had a couple decent images, which is a couple more than the majority of love songs, and you kept a simplistic style on imagery and speech. The problems I mentioned are the only real things I have to say. Don't exceed your syllyble count because you want to express something ordinary. I spend roughly 80% of my time tweaking lines after they've already been written. Still decent of a song, though.


Could you crit mine in my sig?
#3
Without You

the first verse is all over the map, rhythmically.
at least it sounds that way in my head
i'll make a few suggestions to even it out.

I’ve trying to talk to you for awhile
you completely missed the key verb here: been
you could replace I've with Been and it would come on the up-beat before trying.
the i've would be implied.
the second instance of to makes 4 t sounds in a row.
if you find that too much, change it to with.

but I don’t know how to say it
i'd inject just before don't.
it’s just whenever I see you I can’t help but smile
i'd drop it's just, entirely.
and I feel like taking a leap of faith
then drop and I. again, this can be implied.

maybe this doesn't work for the rhythm you had planned.
but perhaps you'll like it, or it might give you some other ideas.


Chorus
but you don’t want to hear what I have to say

not that it would matter anyway

‘cause you’ve got him and I’ve got my guitar

but I won’t go far

without you (echo)


we used to be the best of friends

then we both made a few mistakes

now the silence never ends

and I just want something to break it


Chorus

Bridge/Solo

Build up


(last part same as chorus but more spoken than sung)

I don’t care if you don’t want to hear what I have to say
this is a real mouthful. can you get the same idea across with fewer words?
I’m gonna tell you now

that if you ever need someone
you might trade in if you ever for when.
it changes the context slightly.

I’ll be here waiting for you

(repeat “waiting for you” until end of song)
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.