#1
This came out soaking with more truths than I care to admit. My God, it's been a long while since I've written songs so consistently. Any thoughts will be much appreciated, and of course I'll return.

SantaEdit: I'm not too sure if I got too hung on the idea of the main chorus (V3), and whether it's actually effective. I like the idea and it conveys my sentiments but I don't know if I just was too sad to see it go, and that's why it's still there.



You're pulling at a thread
Taking it too far
This shirt covers both scars and burns

Come home and settle in my armchair
Fit to the mould

Take the bulb out the light
Black the windows with whatever you like
Say if you see me, say if you see me
Take the bulb out the light
Black the windows with whatever you like
Say if you see me, do you see what I mean?

Used to kiss the fist flung through the air
Fit to the mould

If I let the years I earned show on my face
Then God would have dealt the deadliest an ace
If I let the dark descend in every room
Then you wouldn't see me here, I must assume

But do you see what I mean?

You're pulling at a thread
Taking it too far
This shirt covers both scars and burns
That I got long ago

Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jun 9, 2008,
#2
Since when did music stop being about women and start being about lights?
-im just joking, its good stuff...though i think its more of a straight poem than a song(which isnt a bad thing)
people with large sig's are clearly compensating for something.
#3
nice nice, its really good. now check mine out....

Name: Scarred For Life, i just posted it
#4
i think it's very repetitive, which in some places is good, and some places not so good. I'm not a big fan of the repetition of "Do you see what I mean?" in stanza three. I'm not even sure if i like that line in there at all..However, I do like the "fit to the mould" repetition. It provides a good "bringing it home" sense, if you know what i mean. That's really all i have to say about this piece, it's pretty good, (though i'm not really sure i'm grasping the right interpretation...) Anyway, could you crit my piece The deaf man's ears? It's in the sig. Thanks.
#5
Thanks Cyclones. Edited that verse, less repetitive now. I think I was just clinging to that hook for the sake of it. Thanks. I'll get back to yours.
#7
As pointed by #1 synth, first line should be "you're, right ?

Third paragraph, I like the repetition with the variation at the end.
I don't know why but I really like these two lines :

"If I let the years I earned show on my face
Then God would have dealt the deadliest an ace"

The ending feels weird for me though. I could see another two lines as an ending. o-O

Not really good with the crit, sorry. ^^"
If you could please take a look at mine. ->
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=880068

Thanks.
#8
Quote by Jammydude44
This came out soaking with more truths than I care to admit. My God, it's been a long while since I've written songs so consistently. Any thoughts will be much appreciated, and of course I'll return.

SantaEdit: I'm not too sure if I got too hung on the idea of the main chorus (V3), and whether it's actually effective. I like the idea and it conveys my sentiments but I don't know if I just was too sad to see it go, and that's why it's still there.



You're pulling at a thread
Taking it too far
This shirt covers both scars and burns

Umm, the imagery here was strong and gave a clear image, that gave me a good reason to continue.

Come home and settle in my armchair
Fit to the mould

This was quite vague but It felt that it had purpose so it did its job.

Take the bulb out the light
Black the windows with whatever you like
Say if you see me, say if you see me
Take the bulb out the light
Black the windows with whatever you like
Say if you see me, do you see what I mean?

I liked the word play with black and block. But some of the phrasing felt a bit awkward, but they were grammatically correct may I add.

Used to kiss the fist flung through the air
Fit to the mould

If I let the years I earned show on my face
Then God would have dealt the deadliest an ace
If I let the dark descend in every room
Then you wouldn't see me here, I must assume

Lovely use of flow and rhythm.

But do you see what I mean?

You're pulling at a thread
Taking it too far
This shirt covers both scars and burns
That I got long ago

I like the repitition from the first stanza but I think it could have been executed a bit better. But then again I felt that it did its job and you did well with putting two contradicting statements together.



Overall I thought this was good, but it isn't your best.

But it didn't need to.
#9
Quote by Jammydude44



You're pulling at a thread
Taking it too far
This shirt covers both scars and burns

I love this line. It's a really good hook. I probably would've added a "You're" to the second line, too, but that's just me.

Come home and settle in my armchair
Fit to the mould

A scar/burn? This reads strangely.. And I think I see a connection to the poem, but it took me awhile to get to it. Maybe I'm just slow.

Take the bulb out the light
Black the windows with whatever you like
Say if you see me, say if you see me
Take the bulb out the light
Black the windows with whatever you like
Say if you see me, do you see what I mean?

"Black the windows with whatever you like" sounds too clunky. I'd lighten its load a little. I like the idea here.

Used to kiss the fist flung through the air
Fit to the mould

I take it this is one of yours scars/burns again? In which case it fits.

If I let the years I earned show on my face
Then God would have dealt the deadliest an ace
If I let the dark descend in every room
Then you wouldn't see me here, I must assume

The wording was awkward, but I really like the idea.

But do you see what I mean?

Yes.

You're pulling at a thread
Taking it too far
This shirt covers both scars and burns
That I got long ago

The extra line was pretty clicheed.



I really like the ideas, but I think you need to revise it. A lot of the flow was choppy to me, and I think you could word the ideas a lot better.

Thank you mucho for your critique on mine.
#11
Quote by Jammydude44
...since I've written songs so consistently.


before i crit....is this a song, or a poem?
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#12
i hear this section a little differently:
If I let the years I earned show on my face
Then God would have dealt the deadliest an ace

in the first line, i'd drop the second I and throw a pause after earned,
in the second, i'd change deadliest to deadly. it just sounds better in my head, that way.
dunno if any of that helps, w/e.

Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#13
"Say if you see me, do you see what I mean?" i like that line. but one thing i would do is flip scars and burns to burns and scars to put a rhyme scheme to your first verse. that just me though. otherwise it's pretty good. consistancy is the best policy!
#14
Quote by ottoavist
before i crit....is this a song, or a poem?


Song


"Say if you see me, do you see what I mean?" i like that line. but one thing i would do is flip scars and burns to burns and scars to put a rhyme scheme to your first verse. that just me though. otherwise it's pretty good. consistancy is the best policy!


I intentionally flipped the two this way round to utillise the internal rhyme. Also it puts some distance between the assonance of shirts, covers and burns.

Thanks SYK. Although I prefer "deadliest" as it is the superlative.

#15
I've not read through the other responses to this, so please pardon me if I'm just a broken record with this.

At any rate, I felt this had depth, but it wasn't properly shown. Like the reader's taking a ride in a sub, and knows that there's lots of cool coral formations just outside the window, but the lights aren't working properly so he's bummed out and has to rely on suppositions and ends up disappointed in the sub ride because of it, even though all the cool coral was there. Or something like that XD.

Anyway, if you get what my painful simile was trying to say, God bless you. Another thing, though; lyricists (myself included) seem to have a fetish with vague second-person perspectives. And, since this piece is a pit obtuse, clarifying the "You" and his/her relation to the assumed narrator might help bring some concreteness to the piece.

At any rate, my thoughts can be summed up with yet another shoddy metaphor:
The strings are all here, you just need to lace them up.


Oh, and if you're feeling kind:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=881252
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#16
This songs strongest point (to me) was it's flow between different pieces. You're not set on a flow, you just say what seems appropriate. It's great, but you didn't do it with every single line, which would be absurdly difficult.
I enjoyed the rhyming.
PS, thanks for the crit.
#17
I really liked the first four sections.

I didn't like
'Then God would have dealt the deadliest an ace'
or
'Then you wouldn't see me here, I must assume'

Face and ace and room and assume just seemed far too forced. I'm finding that in a lot of what I read of yours. Reading Ninjamonkey's post some obviously enjoyed it, but my opinion... When you've used assonance in other parts, rhyme doesn't always have to be there.

The last line also felt like a bit of a downer, an un-ending. It was short and to the point, but at a point where it should be a revealing point that hasn't been mentioned before, it just seemed repetitive of aforementioned ideas.

But as I said, I really, really liked the first half, and I loved the line about lines forming on your face. And the 'dark decend' line too come to think of it, I just didn't like the connecting lines.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Jun 11, 2008,
#18
Jamie; i've been reading this for days now.
i effing love it. the reason why i asked if it was a song in my first post was because i could actually hear music over the words as i was reading it for the first time.
there's not really anything to say that's already been said, but if you ever get this up as an mp3, i'd love to hear it man.
good goin'.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#19
Quote by ottoavist
Jamie; i've been reading this for days now.
i effing love it. the reason why i asked if it was a song in my first post was because i could actually hear music over the words as i was reading it for the first time.
there's not really anything to say that's already been said, but if you ever get this up as an mp3, i'd love to hear it man.
good goin'.


Kent, my sole aim whenever I write any song is to have anyone who reads the lyrics at least have a melody going in there head, even better the music.

Your comment just made my day.

I realise this one is lyrically quite dry and not neccessarily for the reader/listener, but I feel there is enough there for one to get something out of it. My main theme and ideas came through, I thought, which is enough in my opinion; I didn't feel I was truly hiding behind the words.

Thanks everyone. This gives me some confidence to keep on writing with my current arid inspiration.

#20
this reminds me a lot of the smiths
with the repitions, rhetoricsl questions and clever metaphors
well done ;D
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust.
But I'm scared i'll get scared and i swear i'll try to nail you back up.



Female SouperHero