#1
Here goes,
i know im the only one that knows how the music goes but it fits well with this, but let me know what you think of the lyrics thanks!


verse

I tried to tell you how i feel inside
My bones are breaking i feel all worn out
And the phone starts ringing as your walking away

Chorus

How would it make you feel your the only one alone in such a crowded place
and theres no one there that notices you?
So you dream of better days and hope they come your way and the heavy rain thats falling will finally go away.

Verse

I try to reach out ive got a feeling that your not there.
And the wind is getting louder now i find it hard to think.
So i'll sing this song so you can hear me clearly wherever you maybe

Chorus

bridge

And i know i'll find you
but if the feeling gets erased keep listening to these words.

Chorus then end.
#2
Quote by jasey_rae
Here goes,
i know im the only one that knows how the music goes but it fits well with this, but let me know what you think of the lyrics thanks!


verse

I tried to tell you how i feel inside
My bones are breaking i feel all worn out
And the phone starts ringing as your walking away
If you're going to mention a phone, you should mention its purpose or place, or even who it is. Right now, it's just sitting there.

Chorus

How would it make you feel your the only one alone in such a crowded place
WAAAAAYYY too long. I don't know if you forgot to press enter or something, but it's too long. Even the word choice is superfluous, such as "only one alone", or "how would it make you feel" instead of "how would you feel".
and theres no one there that notices you?
The verse implies a breakup song, but this line doesn't fit. If you're trying to say what I think you are, it should be along the lines of "and no one wants to love you."
So you dream of better days and hope they come your way and the heavy rain thats falling will finally go away.
Decent internal rhymes. Still too flippin' long, though.

Verse

I try to reach out ive got a feeling that your not there.
And the wind is getting louder now i find it hard to think.
So i'll sing this song so you can hear me clearly wherever you maybe
Your verses could use some rhymes and some shortening. I think the third lines internal rhymes are good.

Chorus

bridge

And i know i'll find you
but if the feeling gets erased keep listening to these words.

Chorus then end.


It was hard to read, because the lines are soooo long. Split them up into twos, or something.

Crit mine in my sig?
#3
thanxs
but maybe i wrote it down wrong?! dont know if it makes it any better?!
its not a break up song buts its more about someone who is alone in the world feels like they dont have anyone and dreams about it changing someday and is trying to contact someone but they cant get throught to them!


Quote by jasey_rae



verse

I tried to tell you how i feel inside
My bones are breaking i feel all worn out
And the phone starts ringing
as your walking away

the point in the phone is that the person is trying to talk to someone but as soon as the phone rings they walk away. maybe it will make more sense now? or maybe i didnt word it right??!

Chorus

How would it make you feel
your the only one alone
in such a crowded place
and theres no one there that notices you
So you dream of better days
and hope they come your way
and the heavy rain thats falling
will finally go away.

basically thats the way its sung, it wasn't intended to be as long as it was written down before.


'and theres no one there that notices you' - this line is meant to mean what is says, the person is in a crowded room and is alone but no cares or trys to talk to the person.


Verse

I try to reach out
ive got a feeling that your not there.
And the wind is getting louder now
i find it hard to think.
So i'll sing this song
so you can hear me clearly
wherever you maybe

like before that is the way its sung.

Chorus

bridge

And i know i'll find you
but if the feeling gets erased
keep listening to these words.