#1
any crit however small muchly appreciated

2 verses and a chorus

Rip it apart
And put back the pieces
A standing of order
A method of leasing
Inside you shall lie
Aside a hail of concrete
Inside this sphere ill reside
Till i'm put back to sleep

Bring the stone to my bone
Bring the stone

I once was a free man
Only ruled by promise
And now when I answer
i’m nailed across it
Watch me as I search for my saviour in the sky
Then as i’m beat down, i’m broken and i’m left there to die
#3
Quote by swell_bucket


Rip it apart
And put back the pieces
Right off the bat I was hooked by these two lines. I'm sure the concept of ripping apart and putting back has been used quite a bit, but it doesn't seem cliched at all in this case.
A standing of order
A method of leasing
This line I'm not crazy about since it seems like an "almost rhyme" with the word pieces; reading over it quickly my mind shaped the word into something that rhymed (like 'leases'), then when I went back to it it came as a disappointment.
Inside you shall lie
Aside a hail of concrete
Inside this sphere ill reside *i'll
Till i'm put back to sleep

Bring the stone to my bone
Bring the stone

It's not really a chorus unless there's more than one of them. I wouldn't add another one on though unless first putting some kind of transition after the last line.

I once was a free man
Only ruled by promise
And now when I answer
i’m nailed across it
Watch me as I search for my saviour in the sky *savior
Then as i’m beat down, i’m broken and i’m left there to die

It would wrap it up a lot more nicely if you made everything after the comma a new line and took out the last two "i'm"s, imo.


This whole song is like the chorus, short and sweet. Despite that a lot could be added onto it still. Maybe if it were a poem I'd say it seems complete, but as a song it needs more substance. A good start nonetheless, nice job.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Jun 8, 2008,
#4
One of the most important things i think is writing is getting the reader hooked right away and that's exactly what you did with the first two lines. good job with that. is this finished or are you adding more? i'm only asking cause you mentioned it was 2 verses and a chorus. Check my new piece out.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=880086