#1
Over green hills I drift, dream skies falling through my mind
Images of heavenly home are shattered by my prison
Lying in a ring of fire, Trapped in a mortal’s tomb

Oh to fly away, escape the prison, leave my dreams
Oh Freyja guide he who will awaken me

Wielder of Gram, Slayer of Fafnir
He has released me from my bonds
And at first sight I could not resist

Oh to love a man, look in his eyes, take his hand
Oh free me young hero, you who will awaken me

Vile sorceress plots against us
Only one who can ride through the flames
He who has been tricked to death

Oh to mourn the soul, weep, plot revenge
Oh Hel take my sacrifice, Ah!
Using satire to reveal truth since October 2007
#2
So, Freyja, Gram and Fafnir I don't know. So for the references I don't really know.

From what I see, I suppose it's a metal song ?

The only thing i find "out of place" in this is the line :
"Vile sorceress pots against us"

Just seems... out of nowhere.
#3
Have to disagree with the last post, 'Vile sorceress plots against us' is not only in place but is the point where the song reaches its lyrical climax.

Also have to say, this is very original, a Nordic love tale expressed through metal (if previous poster is right). This is a very dramatic piece that has a lot of potential to be a show-stopper. Great use of imagery and description, the hi-light of this is your light-handed approach to what happens, not going unnecessarily over the top whenever you could have done.

This really does examine all areas of freedom and 'restriction/enslavement/whatever fits best here', especially the bitter sides of these. It's quite well named then. Great work.
#4
I really haven't thought about the music much. I know that I need to fit a solo in between the 3rd verse and the little secondary verse or at the end of it, I think it would fit either place as a climax. And as far as originality goes its hard to beat Nordic love legends
Using satire to reveal truth since October 2007
#5
Alright I'm not going to let this die until I get atleast a half decent critique. I've done my job and crit other people's pieces, now I don't care if you say it sucks just tell me how to improve my writing. The comments are appreciated, but not always the most helpful.
Using satire to reveal truth since October 2007
#6
Over green hills I drift, dream skies falling through my mind
Images of heavenly home are shattered by my prison
Lying in a ring of fire, Trapped in a mortal’s tomb

Ok. Good imagery to set up the landscape. Very ancient Nordic, like something out of the legends I assume you've read or heard. Not really, epic, so to speak but a solid jumping off point.

Oh to fly away, escape the prison, leave my dreams
Oh Freyja guide he who will awaken me

A bit cliche'd with the 'wanting to leave my prison' sentiment, but, it is an accurate part of the song, there just may be a more unconventional or...uh...fancifully worded way to say it that would work better in the context of the song. Also, despite that the Norse imagery is the point of the song, some people may not be familiar with Freyja as the goddess of love and beauty.

Wielder of Gram, Slayer of Fafnir
He has released me from my bonds
And at first sight I could not resist

'Wielder of Gram, Slayer of Fafnir' is a great way to describe the 'herioc prince' archetype without just saying he has a sword and slayed the 'dragon' though, he is a dwarf prince. I thought it slightly odd that you make no mention of how he rescues you and just move on to his features.

Oh to love a man, look in his eyes, take his hand
Oh free me young hero, you who will awaken me

Vile sorceress plots against us
Only one who can ride through the flames
He who has been tricked to death

Oh to mourn the soul, weep, plot revenge
Oh Hel take my sacrifice, Ah!

Ok, first off, I retract the earlier statement, I see now where it is that the actual 'escape' takes place. My mistake. The first stanza could be worded more imaginitively. I like the twist of only one (I assume 'you') can pass the fire therefore he has rescued you and damned himself (very ancient greek hero of him) in the process. I would like to see another song or continuance of this one to see how you take your revenge against the 'vile sorceress' for taking your true love from you. All in all, very well put together and I found it thouroughly enjoyable. Usually I don't care for the 'black death metal' kind of songs that use ancient stories as the lyrics, but this is one glaring exception because I think that you wrote this very well.
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