#1
Colby restored my faith in the community
We had both been drinking, I probably had a few more than him
Anthony and the others told me when I first arrived he was gay.
That didn't bother me.
I found it funny how Colby knew so much about neurolinguistics programming because most of the guys who studied this **** were chasing after pussy they never got in high school.
In the kitchen I had asked him how the sarge was different in his situation.
Not too much, "men are like women" was the response.
****, for all I know Colby could be running game on me right now.
Whatever, at this point I just needed someone too talk to.
Katie told Brad I creeped her out.
Ran a palm reading on her, she knew how it worked and corrected me on the technique.
This always happens.
I got her stoned off some decent smoke a buddy gave me.
Gotts got to her first, he walked her home.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Jun 9, 2008,
#2
To be honest, I have no idea what's going on. I mean, there's a gay dude, then you creep some chick out, something about a palm reading, then you somehow got her stoned. I can't follow this.
#3
As much as I hate to agree, as I usually find something poignant about your work, this is impossible to grasp without having your knowledge. I didn't even really take anything out of it because it just seems so disconnected. I'd have found this piece so much better if it had just stopped on "****, he could be running game on me right now." and then add some witty comment after that... but when it dragged beyond that... it just got out of control.

Sorry mate.

Comment for comment if you have time... there is a new one in the sig. IF not, cool.
#4
I love how you said it was disconnected. Last night (where this piece had taken place) I felt very disconnected. I'll get a comment back on yours.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#5
I really liked it, but you could have been a little more descriptive with things like the kitchen and the girls hand. I like how its disjointed and conveys a thought process thats why I think more details could enhance it a bit. The word smoke kinda ruins it for me. It seems like a lame word compared to all of the others for that substance. If you get a chance crit mine please http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...ad.php?t=879491
I felt like a monster reincarnation of Horatio Alger......a man on the move and just sick enough to be totally confident.

Quote by Hexagram
Oh and Zeke, i find you to be over-rated
#6
i thought it was really cool and abstract and made me fill in my own parts of the story
although it felt like i was reading a tucker max story for some odd reason...i stil thought it was an interesting read and maybe you could crit mine as awell i posted it just above yours
#7
Thank you. I used the word smoke because that is just what we call it most of the time. But I agree, it could probably be replaced with something better.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror