#1
my underage girlfriend
throws the peace sign
every time she smokes a cigarette
and her piercing, defiant blue eyes
through the smoke
give me hope
that we can change the world.
#2
Pretty good. It's really short, but pound for pound, very well written. I particularly liked the rhyme scheme.

Crit mine in my sig?
#5
It's such a you piece in that it takes this one moment in time and really gives it some drama.

That, and the movie-like feel you seem to give your pieces too.

This was a little gem. Nothing mind-blowing but true to yourself, and to the moment.

I only tripped on the read between eyes/through. On first read it felt odd lke there was a word missing, like "look through the smoke" or something. On further reads it bothered me less, but still, something I thought worth pointing out.

#7
short. very short
through the smoke doesnt quite seem to fit
i like having 'peace' and 'piercing' occur at simmilar points
for a short peice its very good. honest
its alike a highlighted clip from a newspaper
its sums it up with just as much description as necessary
but im left wanting to read the whole article

c4c?

Speakeasy:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=875357
#8
The line break between 'piercing' and 'defiant blue eyes' just didn't work for me. It was a pause that I felt, in something this long, wasn't needed as just distracted me.

I like it though. Take it as it is and it's... nice. Take that word as you will.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
"Piercing" makes the little guy what it is. Although short, very nice; I like it.
Quote by denizenz
I'll logic you right in the thyroid.

Art & Lutherie
#12
lovely piece. succinct. elegant in it's simplicity

my underage girlfriend
throws the peace sign
every time she smokes a cigarette
and her piercing, defiant blue eyes
through the smoke
this is where a slight disconnection occurs with what follows.
putting the smoke after the description of the eyes, gives this style.
but it also separates the eyes from the thought of them giving hope.
that expression now has to point back farther.
you could flip the two lines and make the linkage more direct at the cost of style.
or you could add more focus on the eyes by replacing her with those.
but you've probably already looked at all that.
I'll stop talking now.

give me hope
that we can change the world.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.