#1
well there she goes, riding down the road
of what she don't know, at sunset cove
there she cries, her hand over her eyes
the dust it flies, straight through the other side
-------
i've been sitting here feeling sorry for all the children
who left their homes in search for something new
the lot gave up & sadly joined the circus
where their dreams got trampled under firework fumes
-------
well there he flies, over that countryside
that city looks so bright, under polluted lights
he works hard, stuck in that boulevard
from morning till it's dark, he works hard
-------
i've been sitting here feeling sorry for all the children
who got lost in the bustling crowd on their way home
they made a living singing showtunes out on broadway
& let the spotlight shine on them, dancing alone
-------
i've been sitting here feeling happy for all the children
who never got lost & never ran away at all
i wish someone built a roof above this world
so that we'd all feel at home wherever we go
#2
Honestly a lot of the rhyming feels forced. The first stanza is really interesting, expand on that idea? I like the subject of it, its original. The third stanza doesnt really mean anything. I understand its supposed to contrast the first stanza but it feels like it was just tacked on. The other stanzas are good.
Using satire to reveal truth since October 2007
#3
the rhythym was great!
Some rhymes felt forced in the third stanza more than anywhere

i felt this was going to be a love/memory song, but i like the idea anyways.
good job, but try to get a better flow with rhymes
crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=880277
Call me Sean
Quote by Nilpferdkoenig
He's just trying to protect our innocence.


Yes i am
Quote by :Vicious--

Your flirting powers are incredible.



Gear:
Schecter S1 Elite Black Cherry (Soapbar Neck, Invader Bridge)
Schecter Banshee
Orange Dual Terror
Boss CE-5
Goatkeeper
#4
thnx for the crits. i tried to make the 1st & 2nd verses about country life & such, & the 3rd & 4th about the city. this is probably one of my favourite pieces so thnx for reading!
#5
I really liked the line about firework fumes. everything transitions well, but the line about polluted lights seemed kinda forced and immature. Also the part that says that ran away at all seemed odd because at all sounded tacked on. It could be really solid if you change some of the wordings but I don't know how that would affect your rhymes. If you get a chance crit mine please https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=879491
I felt like a monster reincarnation of Horatio Alger......a man on the move and just sick enough to be totally confident.

Quote by Hexagram
Oh and Zeke, i find you to be over-rated