#1
Everyone has a night where they are so pissed and sad they write and something comes out and you absolutely love it. It is called Twisted, and it is a tribute to Elliott Smith, but also something personal to me.

Crit4Crit

Twisted

verse
Life is just a big decision,
a doctor makes a quick incision
out i go, the drugs have spread
i woke up with a pounding head

chorus
we live life with a bunch of lies
hating people just to see them cry
i dont really know what to do anymore
im sick and tired of being left on the floor

verse
Walking now has become a problem
i feel the need of an oil swabbing
escape the needle, feel left alone
i feel i have rotted straight through the bone

chorus
i dont know where i am heading
the things i feel seem to be spreading
i see many things falling into a hole
people screaming as they lose their sole

verse
people are starting a big destruction
porn star are making another big production
where am i? and where did i go
i seem to want only more and more
No problem is a big solution
why cant we change a constitution
i really dont mind, i know its not right,
but its a hell of a thing, if you can keep it alive
Call me Sean
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He's just trying to protect our innocence.


Yes i am
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Gear:
Schecter S1 Elite Black Cherry (Soapbar Neck, Invader Bridge)
Schecter Banshee
Orange Dual Terror
Boss CE-5
Goatkeeper
Last edited by Guitarplaya27 at Jun 9, 2008,
#2
Twisted

verse
Life is just a big decision,
a doctor makes a quick incision
out i go, the drugs have spread
i woke up with a pounding head
this is strong.

chorus
we live life with a bunch of lies
with a bunch of is a huge disappointment.
after the intro, i was expecting much more from you.
within in a web of ...
in between the ...
do something, please. don't just fill syllable count.

hating people just to see them cry
i dont really know what to do anymore
im sick and tired of being left on the floor
re-think the last two lines. they don't do much.

verse
Walking now has become a problem
i feel the need of an oil swabbing
escape the needle, feel left alone
i feel i have rotted straight through the bone

chorus
i dont know where i am heading
the things i feel seem to be spreading
things is so vague that it's less than useless. fears? hate? what?
i see many things falling into a hole
many things?
people screaming as they lose their sole *soul

verse
people are starting a big destruction
porn star are making another big production
where am i? and where did i go
i seem to want only more and more
No problem is a big solution
why cant we change a constitution
i really dont mind, i know its not right,
but its a hell of a thing, if you can keep it alive

after the first verse, i lost interest fast.
vague generalities stated in bland language
don't allow me to create any images.
all i got out of the last verse were the two rhymes.
but everything supporting those 4 words was so disparate
that i derived little meaning, directly or implied.
Meadows
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I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#3
The first verse could you some work it sounds very blunt and simple. The third and fourth verse were really good. Some of the rhymes sound forced but thats hard to avoid. Parts of it seem to be conveying overused tones simply with little personality, but other parts have a lot of originality and good images. If you get a chance crit mine please https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=879491
I felt like a monster reincarnation of Horatio Alger......a man on the move and just sick enough to be totally confident.

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