#1
This is a poem I wrote that i will probably use for my band
Please feel free to critique:



Salutations
How have you been
Lets talk about our weekend
And how we saw some old friends
Lets use our lungs for entertainment

Does heavy seem the sky?
Or have I something in my eye?
The cloud seems much lower
The world rotates slower

Such panic and alarm
They ran out to the streets calling
Help us please god
Hear us out the sky is falling

The clouds scraped the skyscrapers
Painted them white
As the moon drifted away
For betrayed the night

Man had hit rock bottom
And they hadn’t a doubt
But if worse can get worse
God blew the sun out

Its cold and its damp
On this side walk Armageddon
Cause I am a man
Gods most imperfect creation


Find me in this pitch black
If your eyes can adjust
Just follow my voice
If sound even exists
I just wanted to say I forgive you

Salutations
Lets talk about our weekend
#3
I like how you tied the first and last stanzas. It seems kinda bleak and dreary in parts. The line about being god's most imperfect creation was a little weak. There's some really good imagery and personality though. I like it for the most part. Flows well. If you get a chance crit mine please https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=879491

edit: I also reported that guy above me.
I felt like a monster reincarnation of Horatio Alger......a man on the move and just sick enough to be totally confident.

Quote by Hexagram
Oh and Zeke, i find you to be over-rated
#4
Quote by Zeke5000
I like how you tied the first and last stanzas. It seems kinda bleak and dreary in parts. The line about being god's most imperfect creation was a little weak. There's some really good imagery and personality though. I like it for the most part. Flows well. If you get a chance crit mine please https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=879491

edit: I also reported that guy above me.


Thank you

I will check yours out.