#1
fun to write, easy to write. didnt censor myself for being cliche or immature. not good at all, but I want to know thoughts on this.


Silk Wood Road.

Don’t fight me on this,
It will make you grow.
Dont break off this link
From my hand to your arm and my other hand to your other arm and my eyes to your eyes and my other heart to your other heart, the ones we made for each other out of paper and paste, the ones we keep just over there and we handle with care when we talk about bittersweet and silly things.
It will make you grow.
Sit in that cold chair
And listen all night while I yell at you poetry I wrote in tears over the past few years, about you and me, and everything that we ever were and every ghost that we’ll ever be that will ever make me laugh.
And listen all night while I shake my emotion out of your body.
And listen all night while I take all the repression of the wrinkles in your face
And set it all free
Into either a smile or something more sinister, like a song.
I will tell you everything I have ever wanted to think and everything I did think
And you will sit there, in that cold wicker chair, rocking for me.
And in the morning, you’ll stretch, and yawn, and scratch your ears like that Scotty you like,
And, like a mild hangover, you’ll go back into the back-cracking day, not a prayer in your head,
And just the same height.
But don’t fight me on this,
I need it.
#2
I like it. Written in a really cool style that reminded me of beat writers. The last part didn't really seem to add a lot. It was kinda a weird thing to say I need this. I like the way you describe things though. Theres a lot of personality in it. If you get a chance crit mine please http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...ad.php?t=879491
I felt like a monster reincarnation of Horatio Alger......a man on the move and just sick enough to be totally confident.

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#3
you inspire me.
giggidy-gigidy-giggidy-giggidy

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heavily modded yamaha
modded strat
fernandes- no name

carvin 100 head through marshall cab
#4
For me this was a mix of decent techniques (backcracking, cold wicker chair) and bland execution (and set it all free, the general repetition), the latter of which crops up now and then in your writing. Repetition is used for impact or wordplay, how you used it here (and tend to sometimes, imo) just seems really dry and insipid.

There's also an element of uncertainty in this piece, from my view. This is mostly reflected in the lack of structure (run-on lines of prose mixed with three-word lines), where it never really feels like you have a full intent on making this a memorable piece. The structure bugged me, yes, but also maybe the continous "ands" made this seem a jumble of thoughts rather than a piece of poetry where you had a clear idea and theme you wanted to put forward.

You used solid and consistent semantics, which was a pleasure, and like I mentioned above there were some good ideas. Just felt this piece didn't have the writer stamp enough intent on it.

Them's me thoughts. Thank you for your spelling correction
#6
And listen all night while I yell at you poetry I wrote in tears over the past few years, about you and me, and everything that we ever were and every ghost that we’ll ever be that will ever make me laugh.
And listen all night while I shake my emotion out of your body.


You make me feel better becasue you take the words I want to put down, or have wanted to do it. And do it in the language that I thought was too immature to use, and then you do it so well that I actually grin and think, holy ****... you got talent boy. No matter how cliche and everything, you still do it differently, it's like that cliche that only seems cliche to the writer. I know the feeling man

Keep it up
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This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#7
my fav from this:
Into either a smile or something more sinister, like a song.

but i hear it without either.
either way, it's still lovely.
Meadows
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