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#1
My most candid yet.
Crits returned.


Call It "Unrequited"

From nothing to acquaintance.
Just like that,
she's in my life.
Waving hello in the hallway.
Casual conversations,
wherever possible.
School seems exciting now.
Who would've thought?

From acquaintance to friend.
Somehow we've moved
from petty talks
to Starbucked sermons.
Each brain picked,
we're now tuned accordingly.
Our radio station:
random,
within each other's bounds.

It would be true
if I said
that I loved her.

But she doesn't want that.


From friend to best.
Recognition on walls of shame.
Inside jokes, reserved;
Party of two.
The point where names
aren't exchanged.
We know each other.
We are each other.

She tells me her problems
With her current beau.
And I sit,
listening.
Helping.

It would be true
if I said
that I loved her.

But she won't have it,
and I can't help that.
Last edited by my name is Pete at Jun 9, 2008,
#2
I feel "that" instead of "her" would give it more impact, as the repeition of the pronoun I think lessened it's effect.

This was on the whole quite enjoyable. A lot of cool tongue-in-cheek images that rang true with me, and you weren't afraid to put the more honest and blunter parts in there, which was good to see. Good to see you weren't hiding behind the words.

I think this is my favourite from you so far. Keep it going Petey. Definitely a worthy Wotm Nom.
#7
I thought that the line 'but she doesn't want that' just sounded too upfront.
The 'radio station; random' bit also just read a bit off for me.

Other than that, bloody lovely . Made me smile inside.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
Thank you for your comment.
I think it's the first critique I've had from you.

As far as the "but she doesn't want that" line goes, I wanted to make it really abrupt, because that's the way it was sprung on to me. I said a little flirty comment, and she shot it down pretty quick.

And for the random line, I wanted to make it slightly random.
She would probably understand.
If I ever showed her the poem.
#9
Fair does. Maybe just a different phrasing for the 'she doesn't want that' line is what I meant.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
i really can't decide if i like or dislike "Starbucked sermons". it's cute, topical and trendy. and i love the soft alliteration. but it draws a little too much attention to itself. i think the capitalization does that. even though it's a proper noun, i wonder if it might play better without the cap.

i liked the progression announced at the beginning of the verses.
this one could have been wordy, but you chose a lovely way to clean it up by implication.
From friend to best.

*makes note to self: remember to keep this kind of thing in your arsenal*
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#11
I like this.
It represents some feelings well.
My favorite parts are the transitions that set up the rest of the stanzas.
It's all kind of 'cutesy', don't know if that's the word I'm looking for.
anyways, I like this.

Sorry i can't really give a full crit.
I just can't find anything that I really don't like.


Love the Low end
#12
wow man, you just keep getting better and better.
this is definitely my favorite by far.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#13
i actually love this because i love the topic. that's deffinately happened to me before idk if it has to you im guessing it has cause you're writing about it lol. i don't see much wrong with it. this is one of the best things i've read on here in awhile.

check out mine if you can
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=880086
#14
Here's what I think. I think your lines DID connect in meaning and logical progression, but NOT in flow. There where times where the flow was jack-knifed (such as "radio-station, random" and the like). However, it was quite moving. I think if the language was simplified a bit, this would be stellar ("Starbucked sermons" is a tad bit too much, and some of the stops thrown in are jerky and assuming). That'll tighten it up a notch.
#15
SYK: Although it wasn't originally intended, I like the capitalization of "Starbucked," because it makes the difference between "petty talks" and "Starbucked sermons" more dramatic. I'll give that one to my subconscious writer. "Good going!"

Oh, and thanks for the "Friend to best" recognition. I had a feeling you'd take notice of it, but for some reason I thought it'd be in a more negative light.

Zeelod: Thanks.

Kent: More pl0x? I'd really like to hear more of what you think. Your evaluation is a pretty big deal to me.

Private: Wow, thanks. And yes, this is experience. There is a very clear face hemmed into this story.

Ninjamonkey: I wanted the overall feel to be very colloquial, so I put the rhythm on the backburner. In fact, most of the flow is subliminal. The closest attention I paid to rhythm was where to fit certain alliterations and assonance.

But thanks for your critique. I'll be more conscious of my rhythm in the future.
Last edited by my name is Pete at Jun 11, 2008,
#16
i enjoyed the progressive openers of each of the main stanzas. i.e.: "From ____ to ____ "

i also really liked the extra indention before "From friend to best.."
it's like the author just needed a minute to pause and gather his thoughts before continuing. very down to earth.

tbh, there's not really much to crit here man. everything's already been said; these in particular that i mentioned were my absolute favorites.
keep doing what you're doing Pete. you're really moving along quickly.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#17
it took me offguard at first because its SO blunt. theres really no flowerly language, or crazy metaphors. its just straightforward.
on the second reading i warmed up to it more and really liked it. only thing is, the first stanza struck me as childish. something about it seemed to take away the seriousness of what youre writing. i also think 'nothing to aquaintence' is perhaps a dissarming way to start. maybe change nothing to 'stranger'?
honestly though, its a lovely piece pete. gj
~b
#18
I haven't been on this site in like 3 weeks and I come back and hear that you've got a nomination. So... I see your post and go... "hmm... may as well see the hype."

You are good. Straight up good. Refined in a way I can't define. (I feel almost like you write like me, how you take that is up to you haha)

I feel like I could've written a piece like this. And for me, on a critting level, that's a good thing. I can connect with it, I know your situation.

God I can't explain the similarities in the situation, quite in.sane really.

And definitely leave the abruptness, change it and i'll have to hurt you.

That being said, you lived up to the hype. Cheers
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#19
Kent: Thanks, man.

ChordMonger: Yeah, my other pieces are usually really flowery, so I wanted to try something new.

And as far as the first stanza is concerned, I didn't want it to be too serious.. It was describing our first encounters during my freshman year in high school, so it was meant to be light and playful. Or did you know this and think it was too much so?

Auals: Wow, thank you so much. I'm really honored.

Everybody: I've been *really* lazy the last two days, so I'm sorry I haven't returned your crits. And I'm still really lazy, so it may be awhile. But trust me, they're a-comin'. If you already critiqued my piece and want me to return something, leave me a link. Right now, I'm only planning on returning Private's crit.

Thanks again.
#20
Here is an attempt at a crit:

From nothing to acquaintance.
Just like that,
she's in my life.
Waving hello in the hallway.
Casual conversations,
wherever possible.
School seems exciting now.
Who would've thought?

Casual Conversations seems a little awkward.
I really like how the last two lines flow though.


From acquaintance to friend.
Somehow we've moved
from petty talks
to Starbucked sermons.
Each brain picked,
we're now tuned accordingly.
Our radio station:
random,
within each other's bounds.

Starbucked. Genius.


It would be true
if I said
that I loved her.

But she doesn't want that.

Oh, how we can all relate...


From friend to best.
Recognition on walls of shame.
Inside jokes, reserved;
Party of two.
The point where names
aren't exchanged.
We know each other.
We are each other.

I liked all the metaphors/imagery/whatever in this stanza, they worked nicely.

She tells me her problems
With her current beau.
And I sit,
listening.
Helping.

Maybe I'm an idiot, but what is a beau?

It would be true
if I said
that I loved her.

But she won't have it,
and I can't help that.

I definitely like this piece, It's something I can relate to on more than one occasion. The "friend zone" sucks. I can tell you wrote this with purpose, and it's easy to find meaning in it.

Crit mine if you feel like it:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=880680
#22
Pete.

When sometimes, and I know it's hard to accept, but trust me that the friendship would probably be better than the relationship anyway :P

It's what I did. Good luck man
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#23
From nothing to acquaintance.
Just like that,
she's in my life.
Waving hello in the hallway.
Casual conversations,
wherever possible.
School seems exciting now.
Who would've thought?
This verse was pretty solid; however, I feel the credibility was called into question when you mentioned school. People who go to high school are given less appreciation than they deserve.

From acquaintance to friend.
Somehow we've moved
from petty talks
to Starbucked sermons.
Each brain picked,
we're now tuned accordingly.
Our radio station:
random,
within each other's bounds.
This is a very strong verse, but I couldn't find the flow. Maybe it was just me.

It would be true
if I said
that I loved her.

But she doesn't want that.
PERFECT!

From friend to best.
Recognition on walls of shame.
Inside jokes, reserved;
Party of two.
The point where names
aren't exchanged.
We know each other.
We are each other.
That part where you've all like "We are each other" is golden. However, I don't understand the part where you've talking about the walls of shame.

She tells me her problems
With her current beau.
And I sit,
listening.
Helping.
Here would be a good place to express the inter-turmoil and frustration you are feeling.

It would be true
if I said
that I loved her.

But she won't have it,
and I can't help that.
PERFECT!
#24
Quote by my name is Pete
My most candid yet.
Crits returned.


Call It "Unrequited"

From nothing to acquaintance.
Just like that,
she's in my life.
Waving hello in the hallway.
Casual conversations,
wherever possible.
School seems exciting now.
Who would've thought?

I know that the "question" is part of the personality of the piece, which is why I wouldn't ask for a change, but know that it didn't sit right with me. For some reason, when I read it, it made me feel like you had cheapened the impact of the previous line... like, it was sort of a given that school wasn't... so by explaining the change, you are effectively telling me I wasn't smart enough to infer (as a reader) and it put me off. Everything else is a class act though.

From acquaintance to friend.
Somehow we've moved
from petty talks
to Starbucked sermons.
Each brain picked,
we're now tuned accordingly.
Our radio station:
random,
within each other's bounds.

Starbucked sermons was fantastic. Didn't like the last three... seemed to abstract for the rest of everything else. Everything else is taking a strange point of view, but saying something that rings wholly true, without much of a leap into the world of abstract metaphors. The last three are asking me to jump in and think a bit, which isn't a bad thing, it just struck me as different with how straight forward everything else was.

It would be true
if I said
that I loved her.

But she doesn't want that.


From friend to best.
Recognition on walls of shame.
Inside jokes, reserved;
Party of two.
The point where names
aren't exchanged.
We know each other.
We are each other.

She tells me her problems
With her current beau.
And I sit,
listening.
Helping.

It would be true
if I said
that I loved her.

But she won't have it,
and I can't help that.



The rest is great. Nothing to add.

Overall thoughts: You have some amazing talent, and I'm glad you've stuck around. I can already see that you are making an impact around here, and I can already see that your writing has begun to improve. You show great potential and I'm looking forward to reading you for a long time to come. This piece, for me, was the best overall piece you've had. However, the part in the last one (the sound one) that I told you I liked, I liked it much better than this whole piece. That said, this is very good. A few things I didn't like, but I have a strange view of poetry too... So that could just be me. IMO, This should be a very solid WotW contender. Be proud mate.

Sorry it took so long to get back, been VERY busy.

-zC
#27
^
yyyup
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#28
I'm inclined to like this because of it's conversational confessional-ism.
However, I think it's a bit rambling, especially in the beginning. As I said on some other piece of yours--cut out the non-essentials, and see if what you have left is any more effective. If you don't think it is, that's fine. But shorter work--when it gets across the same ideas, but in less words--tends to be more poignant, I've found.

Any of the ones in my sig could use a few words, if you have a moment :

All the best,
~Ed.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#31
congrats.
woot woot.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#34
Congrats Pete, well deserved.
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#35
I liked it quite abit.. I take it the last bit is her talking about problems with her boyfriend.. is this after your relationship? Or are you just friends? Sorry if these are personal questions...
#37
From nothing to acquaintance.nice i like the first line
Just like that,
she's in my life.
Waving hello in the hallway.
Casual conversations,
wherever possible.
School seems exciting now.
Who would've thought?haha nice i like thise stanza as a whole very simple. yet smooth, nothing flagrantly cliche, or crude

From acquaintance to friend.i like the little bloopers b4 every stanza that narrates what is happening
Somehow we've moved
from petty talks
to Starbucked sermons.lol werd
Each brain picked,mm i dont like this line for some reason
we're now tuned accordingly.
Our radio station:
random,cool. i like the last 3 lines. but i think the last line is useless. it just fills. imo i think you'd do better jsut ending it on the one word random.
within each other's bounds.

It would be true
if I said
that I loved her.plain. but i suppose it suffices

But she doesn't want that.mm nice. i like the space in between. fitting


From friend to best.
Recognition on walls of shame.
Inside jokes, reserved;nice
Party of two.lol
The point where names
aren't exchanged.
We know each other.
We are each other.very... mmm interesting way to put it. but i tottally get it. i think you gan be a little more immaganative. but it hink it would throw the mood of this piece

She tells me her problems
With her current beau.
And I sit,
listening.
Helping.UGH... i hate playing that role when i have sh*t to deal with in my life. bu they man. thats what u get when u get shoved into the friend zone. like a dick in a glass case. break open in case or emergency

It would be true
if I said
that I loved her.

But she won't have it,
and I can't help that.WErd.

overall. i thought it was good. i think this was one of your more simple and very... i'd say open pieces. in geenral it seemed very bland kind of plain. not a bad thing but it got the job done. i dont relaly know what to say about htis. cause i dont write very plainly in general. ummm but yea i can totally relate to you man...i feel ur pain lol ur not alone

EDit. hahah i was gonna double post just to piss ZC off. but w/e he's got enough sh*t to deal with so i'll leave it b. but didnt kno this was WoTw i never check that crap. but Gj man. congratz.

Edit #2. this is all for you zc me editting or i'd jsut double post rofl. but any ways. wow. pete lol this got a lot of comments and views haha.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
Last edited by me<-needs help at Aug 6, 2008,
#40
Quote by my name is Pete
Thanks?

Zack, could you just [pre-emptively] close all the threads I've ever posted except for my latest? xD
makes a lot of work for the Mods, Pete. saving people from their own stupidity is not really part of the package. the mods will close this one until it drops off the first page.


Quote by me<-needs help
EDit. hahah i was gonna double post just to piss ZC off. but w/e he's got enough sh*t to deal with so i'll leave it b. but didnt kno this was WoTw i never check that crap. but Gj man. congratz.

Edit #2. this is all for you zc me editting or i'd jsut double post rofl. but any ways. wow. pete lol this got a lot of comments and views haha.
PM sent.

use some common sense, dude.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
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