#1
Just an idea I had, fairly straight-forward, no chorus (as of such, just a repeated 2 lines, plus an additional backing vocal line) No real structure to verses, and 2 bar gap between them.

Middle 8 has a slower pace, and I was planning a vocal crescendo of sorts.

I will tweak the rhythm myself, I know it's not perfect, I was more concerned about word association, theme and imagery

As always, crit for crit, just leave a link

....

Why'd you dance before me,
With your dead eyes and fake hair?
The grit in my teeth is biting,
But still your jaw is clamped.

Why'd you do that?
Why'd you tear me down?
(You tear me down) <backing vocal

I remember when you'd sit on my wall,
And we'd talk about life's organs,
But now you're a changed stranger,
With your friendly spies.
The little girl who cried "boy"
Too many times in one night

Why'd you do that?
Why'd you tear me down?
(You tear me down) <backing vocal

When did I become formidable,
A wolf in the headlights?
Why can't you look me in the eye?
If being torn means laughing twice,
You've made a clown of me

Why'd you do that?
Why'd you tear me down?

You tear me down,
And ask for change,
But I can't change you

(Middle 8)

I don't wanna follow you into the dark,
There should be light.
But I can't see the clothes you don't wear
It ain't right when you're out of sight
But that don't mean you can call me back
If you stray off track, just to throw me away
Come the sunnier days.

I ain't no sap

You think I don't know what you say about me?
You think I don't know the things you've said?
You think I don't kow the games you play?
You think I don't know?

(Drums only)

Just admit it

(Instrumental out)

...
Quote by filthandfury
I only do that on MSN, and I get many complaints about it.

F&F will have cyber sex with you on MSN. He's a bit handsy though.


I have become..... METACARPI!!!!

I wish


Joeymaxx
Last edited by Sozes Flying V at Jun 9, 2008,
#2
Seems like a fairly good base. You have written a good, solid song that, though it isn't pushing boundries, gives itself a reason and does so in a pretty good style. There is a good sense of intrigue and mystery in the verses as they lead into each other and develop as the song goes along. God work.
#3
Quote by EL2T
Seems like a fairly good base. You have written a good, solid song that, though it isn't pushing boundries, gives itself a reason and does so in a pretty good style. There is a good sense of intrigue and mystery in the verses as they lead into each other and develop as the song goes along. God work.


Thanks I was worried that it wouldn't be clear, but if it develops itself well, that's awesome!
Quote by filthandfury
I only do that on MSN, and I get many complaints about it.

F&F will have cyber sex with you on MSN. He's a bit handsy though.


I have become..... METACARPI!!!!

I wish


Joeymaxx
#4
Thanks I was worried that it wouldn't be clear, but if it develops itself well, that's awesome!
Glad to see that you trusted us!