#1
First off, I know this isn't too hot, doesn't sound to right to me. Unfortunately I don't know what exactly is wrong. So what I'm hoping is that someone (i.e. you) can tell me what seems wrong and suggest why. C4C as ever.

Is this what you wanted?
Is this what you've come to be?
Break all the hearts there,
And leave them all for me...
Do what you like now,
It's just you and me.
Nothing to hurt now...
Nothing more to see.

You don't scare me anymore!
I've seen the rise and I've seen the fall.
You can say what you like,
This ends tonight.


You gotta run now,
I ain't playing games.
I ain't gonna stop now,
Nothing can be the same...
Now you've had your fun,
It's time for you to go.
This battle can't be won...
It doesn't have to be this way, you know.

You don't scare me anymore!
I've seen the rise and I've seen the fall.
You can say what you like,
This ends tonight.


This could have been so different,
This didn't have to be.
Could you see what's become of us
And what's become of me?
I can't be what you want anymore,
I've been in too far.
I can't take this anymore,
I've seen you rise and I'll see you fall!

You don't scare me anymore!
I've seen the rise and I've seen the fall.
You can say what you like,
This ends tonight.


You don't scare me anymore! (You don't scare me anymore!)
I've seen the rise and I've seen the fall. (I've seen the rise and I've seen the fall!)
You can say what you like, (You can say what you like!)
This ends tonight.


You don't scare me anymore! (You don't scare me anymore!)
I've seen the rise and I've seen the fall. (I've seen the rise and I've seen the fall!)
You can say what you like, (You can say what you like!)
This ends tonight.
Last edited by EL2T at Jun 9, 2008,
#2
Quote by EL2T
First off, I know this isn't too hot, doesn't sound to right to me. Unfortunately I don't know what exactly is wrong. So what I'm hoping is that someone (i.e. you) can tell me what seems wrong and suggest why. C4C as ever.

Is this what you wanted?
Is this what you've come to be?
Break all the hearts there,
And leave them all for me...
Do what you like now,
It's just you and me.
Nothing to hurt now...
Nothing more to see.

First off I really like the rhyming in this stanza. I like the parallelism in the first two lines and the last two lines. Honestly I think the topic is way over done, and your words aren't particularly original. The structures is nice though.

You don't scare me anymore!
I've seen the rise and I've seen the fall.
You can say what you like,
This ends tonight.


I like this chorus. It flows really well. It also seems to be much more original than the other stanzas

You gotta run now,
I ain't playing games.
I ain't gonna stop now,
Nothing can be the same...
Now you've had your fun,
It's time for you to go.
This battle can't be won...
It doesn't have to be this way, you know.

I really hate it when people rhyme two words together (now and now in the first couple) It ruins the flow and sounds weird. The other rhymes are good. I think the last line sort of ruins what you're saying. You go from I ain't gonna stop now to, It doesn't have to be this way. Maybe put it in the past tense?

You don't scare me anymore!
I've seen the rise and I've seen the fall.
You can say what you like,
This ends tonight.


This could have been so different,
This didn't have to be.
Could you see what's become of us
And what's become of me?
I can't be what you want anymore,
I've been in too far.
I can't take this anymore,
I've seen you rise and I'll see you fall!

You changed tenses from I've seen the fall to I'll see you fall. I don't tink that works at all. I'd like it better if you changed them all to the future but its your choice.

You don't scare me anymore!
I've seen the rise and I've seen the fall.
You can say what you like,
This ends tonight.


You don't scare me anymore! (You don't scare me anymore!)
I've seen the rise and I've seen the fall. (I've seen the rise and I've seen the fall!)
You can say what you like, (You can say what you like!)
This ends tonight.


You don't scare me anymore! (You don't scare me anymore!)
I've seen the rise and I've seen the fall. (I've seen the rise and I've seen the fall!)
You can say what you like, (You can say what you like!)
This ends tonight.

The ending gets really repetitive. I know you want it to repeat, but saying each line five times plus all the other choruses gets really boring. I'd cut atleast one of these out.



I think your rhyming is good, but the topic is way to overdone.
Using satire to reveal truth since October 2007
#3
Thanks for the advice, I noticed the same word rhyming after I posted, and you're right it ain't good. As to the overdone topic, I'm new to songwriting, so if I can't do a cliché, then I may as well give up on thw hole thing!
#4
Overlong, and various tense changes that don't really work.
Just 'cause you're new to songwriting doesn't mean you should tackle cliches... In fact I'd say it's probably best to just choose something a bit out there, go for the cliches once you have more self-confidence.
It has a lot of potential, just continually go thru it, and keep weeding out all the bits that aren't necessary.
There's a lot of clumsiness in your rhyme/meter, this is easy to prevent and will gradually disappear thru practice.

Hope that helps a bit.
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
RED MILITIA FACTION
#5
For a first piece the rhyming and structure is excellent, keep it up.
Using satire to reveal truth since October 2007
#6
Quote by EL2T
First off, I know this isn't too hot, doesn't sound to right to me. Unfortunately I don't know what exactly is wrong. So what I'm hoping is that someone (i.e. you) can tell me what seems wrong and suggest why. C4C as ever.

Is this what you wanted?
Is this what you've come to be?
Break all the hearts there,
And leave them all for me...
Do what you like now,
It's just you and me.
Nothing to hurt now...
Nothing more to see.

This is a classic example of what I usually say to a lot of the noobies here. Although the syntax or meaning might come out a tad cliche, they way you pull it off technically makes all the difference. As for the piece I thought this was good with good flow.

You don't scare me anymore!
I've seen the rise and I've seen the fall.
You can say what you like,
This ends tonight.


I like the tone.

You gotta run now,
I ain't playing games.
I ain't gonna stop now,
Nothing can be the same...
Now you've had your fun,
It's time for you to go.
This battle can't be won...
It doesn't have to be this way, you know.

The informal way of saying "got to" usually doesn't do that well In pieces but you kept the language repititive and I thought that was a highlight. Nice use of rhyme.

You don't scare me anymore!
I've seen the rise and I've seen the fall.
You can say what you like,
This ends tonight.


This could have been so different,
This didn't have to be.
Could you see what's become of us
And what's become of me?
I can't be what you want anymore,
I've been in too far.
I can't take this anymore,
I've seen you rise and I'll see you fall!

I don't know why but the last two lines felt very Dylan-esque. I think this was bland for what It's. You could have pulled this off a bit better me thinks.

You don't scare me anymore!
I've seen the rise and I've seen the fall.
You can say what you like,
This ends tonight.


You don't scare me anymore! (You don't scare me anymore!)
I've seen the rise and I've seen the fall. (I've seen the rise and I've seen the fall!)
You can say what you like, (You can say what you like!)
This ends tonight.


You don't scare me anymore! (You don't scare me anymore!)
I've seen the rise and I've seen the fall. (I've seen the rise and I've seen the fall!)
You can say what you like, (You can say what you like!)
This ends tonight.


Nice reprise


Overall me thinks this has potential to be a good song. It's cute and well written.