#1
I still feel like I need some serious critisizm with my stuff. I've been writing for a long time, but only recently have I started to realise that it can be improved drastically. So don't be afraid to be harsh and indepth. Thanks.


Philander

Biting off your prayers and feeding them to the dogs
Feels like an ancient escape route to hell
Sometimes I wish I had the teeth
Then all I have to do is learn how to chew

The challenge surpasses the seduction
Just leave them alone for now
Maybe we can all eat them soon

You are the fertile native to this land
Bouncing from one lamp to the other
Come down with me to the rain
Little droplets of love, littered

Yummy yummy yummy

Dance, dance, chew, dance

The seduction should surpass the test
Please leave them alone for now
We can eat them all up soon

The mirror in their eyes
The necklace around their minds
This is you
This is not me

Yummy fields of assiduous aconite
Dance, chew, dance, die

I can't promise anything
Maybe I was wrong
Maybe I will always be starved


______________________________________________________

This is the edited version with the help of Trickycindy:


Philander


Biting off your prayers and feeding them to Zeus
Feels like an ancient escape route to Hell
Sometimes I wish I had the teeth
Then all I'd have to do is learn how to chew

Yummy fields of assiduous aconite
The flower that speaks of power
The power that drives our desire
To dance, chew and die

The challenge surpasses the seduction
I know they will taste sweet
But the girl has no address here

You are the fertile native to this land
A shining example from which all can learn
They are the fleshy desires we yearn

And no matter how many times we
Bounce from one lamp to the other
The lights will still turn your heart numb

And no matter how many times we
Bounce from one lap to the other
The eyes will still bend your heart dumb

Come down with me to the rain
Little droplets of love, littered
We can
Dance, dance, chew and dance

The seduction should surpass the test
I know they will taste sweet
But the girl has no dress adorned

The mirror in their eyes
The necklace around their minds
This is the archetype
And I am your adversary

No matter how many times we
Bounce from one lap to the other
Their eyes will still bend your heats dumb



More criticism is welcome. I hope the newer version is improved.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Jun 9, 2008,
#2
Well, it's very strange. I can't think of anything wrong with it in particular, it seems to flow, the language is good, its the right length... But it is a bit 'unique'. Would love to hear it performed, I'm sure it'll be ike nothing I've ever heard before!
#3
i always find lyrics are something hard to criticize outside of spelling and grammar type things...theyre your own thoughts and opinions...that being said, those seem pretty well done, whatever it is you wrote about would have to be deciphered in some way...which is a fun thing about songwriting.
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#4
No apparent meaning, and random metaphors with pointless monosyllabic idioms, you asked for serious criticism - you dont need long words to make a song poignant or interesting, often the best lyrics are simple and to the point, and while meaning is not necessarily drastically important, having something people can relate to is always useful, or having some underlying meaning is always good. There may be one but looking at the lyrics it is not at all apparent

I I dont know how the lyrics sound within the grand context of the song, as it depends one the genre, but on paper, as my opinion, they look awful, sorry dude tried to be constructive but I think they need a lot of work, they sound very laboured at times
#5
You do know there is a meaning to this song? I have compared the innocense of the film "Singing in the Rain" to dating and men and woman flirting with each other. I have compared rain drops to young girls. Lamp posts being the centre, or gathering of people together (rain drops hang from lamp posts, do they not?) I also used a reaccuring theme I like to use of teeth. Chewing on the "meat", or flirtatious frollicking. I also compared woman to aconite, the deadly flower. Being assiduous as well.
Basically what I'm saying is, I don't like to flirt like so many do, I'd rather be "starved".
But I'm also saying that I'm not very effective at flirting, I think very few people who are actually really interested in someone are.
Maybe I didn't make that obvious enough.
#6
It's good that want some serious criticism for your work, I'll do my best

Biting off your prayers and feeding them to the dogs
Feels like an ancient escape route to hell
Sometimes I wish I had the teeth
Then all I have to do is learn how to chew

This is good, the second line feels a bit cliche to me though, and watch your tenses, the last line should be I'd not I

The challenge surpasses the seduction
Just leave them alone for now
Maybe we can all eat them soon

Brilliant first line, nice flow, but I think the last line lets it down a bit, it's not on the same par of descriptiveness, it's oddly blunt in comparison.

You are the fertile native to this land
Bouncing from one lamp to the other
Come down with me to the rain
Little droplets of love, littered

I understand your mention of lamp now that you've explained it, but on first reading, it doesn't make any sense at all really. Maybe you want to expand this metaphor a bit, 'cause a little vagueness is good but atm it's more just like totally off-the-wall.

Yummy yummy yummy
Doesn't do anythin for me I'm afraid, not quite sure why you felt the need to have this line

Dance, dance, chew, dance

Much more effective, but again, I know what you mean by chew now, but didn't make much sense on first read

The seduction should surpass the test
Please leave them alone for now
We can eat them all up soon

See the similar verse above, but I think this is a good stanza to repeat, it has the potential to be the hook of the song.

The mirror in their eyes
The necklace around their minds
This is you
This is not me

Liking this bit a lot, but I thought the last line didn't really flow, it either needs to be 3 syllable like L4 or 7 like L3

Yummy fields of assiduous aconite Until you explain it, it makes absolutely no sense and seems like you tried to force a poetic literary term. If you want it, and I think your reasons are valid, then you need to ensure that the song vindicates its use.

Dance, chew, dance, die

I can't promise anything
Maybe I was wrong
Maybe I will always be starved

Ending is weak, maybe this bit needs re-structuring, or just removal.

Hope that helps you out, I've got a new one, Shallow Water, in my sig if you wanna crit it.
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#8
Quote by seventh_angel
Both original and edited version are, well... original ! xD

It has a very screamo touch to it, at least that's what I felt... Nice work man !



Ah man, that means a lot coming from you! I love your work and so for you to compliment mine is very humbling. Cheers gov'.
#9
Sorry the edited version is better, but I still think you can find a better word for 'yummy' like 'delicious' or somthing
O O O O O O O O O O
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#10
Quote by Trickycindy
Sorry the edited version is better, but I still think you can find a better word for 'yummy' like 'delicious' or somthing



I think the edited version is better too, there's no need to apologize.
I used yummy as it fitted the style of the song in terms of the musical accompaniment and the feel of it. But its probably better if I used a more interesting word if the music is left out, which is obviously what I have to do here.
#11
aw man, why are you doing this?
i came to return a crit and i see you have 3 pieces in less than 4 days.
i told you to read the rules, before. read them nao.


*reported*


...
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