#1
On the spot. 'Cause I love you lot

Cry shelter, shelter
Tell me that you’re misunderstood
The weight on your shoulder
Keeps the beat that you’re marching to

I stumble and start
My heels come to falter
You stand idly by
I’m stuck in shallow water.

Dear mother, mother,
You’re still fighting the wars you’ve won
Step down from your tower
Spare some change for your wayward son

I stumble and start
My heels come to falter
You stand idly by
I’m stuck in shallow water
O O O O O O O O O O
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O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
RED MILITIA FACTION
#3
Quote by Trickycindy
On the spot. 'Cause I love you lot

Cry shelter, shelter
Tell me that you’re misunderstood
The weight on your shoulder
Keeps the beat that you’re marching to

I stumble and start
My heels come to falter
You stand idly by
I’m stuck in shallow water.

I can't fault this really. Your work is a lot more precise than mine, more simple, but more accurate for that fact. In other words, superior. The last line of the chorus (if it is a chorus) will only feel flowing if it is accompanied by music and rythym.
"The weight on your shoulder, Keeps the beat that you’re marching to". This line starts iffy, a little cliched (only a little) but then restarts and finishes really well.


Dear mother, mother,
You’re still fighting the wars you’ve won
Step down from your tower
Spare some change for your wayward son

Very western feel throughout this, really original and cool! "Spare some change for your wayward son", both emotional and real, but said in a different kind of way that you would normally establish.

I stumble and start
My heels come to falter
You stand idly by
I’m stuck in shallow water



Loved this piece, really great to read. Short, simple and a little bit beautiful! You write some brilliant stuff mate.
#4
i didn't get any strong sense of the meaning from this.
the words weren't unpleasant to hear, nor was the construction troublesome.
the only negative in that aspect was the rhyme in the second and fourth lines of the second verse. because all the others were near rhymes, it feels out of place.
Meadows
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#5
yes there is definitely talent here though i do agree with SYK, rhyming could be a bit tigher. also its a bit too cryptic for me.. maybe i am a bit of purest here but please bring the listener into the plot and give us some inkling where you're going. good work otherwise
Al
#6
Thanx for all the crits. I guess it is quite cryptic, but I think that comes from the fact that I made an effort on this one, to not be too wordy... which I think is a big problem on my newest one (King In My Skin) so it's a matter of finding the balance...
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
RED MILITIA FACTION