#1
tattoo.


she whispers latin
when she's bored.
our rapport;
my frown's most
discrete little morph.
symbolic fortune cookies
open in accord;
i find letters
in my mouth sometimes.
she never tells me
what they're for.

she wrote:

"in the wake of rising authority;
i move in the moonlight,
i groove in the hindsight,
complimenting my limelight
and insubordinance.
perceptive of
my plight in conformity,
these artists just annoy me;
a plague to worn pencils every night."


my pen weighs more than myself right now.
i hope this isn't permanent.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Jun 9, 2008,
#2
tattoo.


she whispers latin
when she's bored.
our rapport;
my frown's most
discrete little morph.
symbolic fortune cookies
open in accord;
i find letters
in my mouth sometimes.
she never tells me
what they're for.

she wrote:

"in the wake of rising authority;
i move in the moonlight,
i groove in the hindsight,
complimenting my limelight
i suppose complimenting could fit,
but i would think complementing is more appropriate.

and insubordinance.
perceptive of
my plight in conformity,
these artists just annoy me;
a plague to worn pencils every night."

my pen weighs more than myself right now.
i hope this isn't permanent.


nicely constructed
* click, click *
Meadows
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#3
I really felt, like SYK, the structure helped this piece alot.

Loved these lines:

"in the wake of rising authority;
i move in the moonlight,
i groove in the hindsight,


Created this cool thing of dancing in the face of danger....

I really liked this piece overall, Kent. I can't find anything really to pick up on.
#4
Quote by ottoavist
tattoo.


she whispers latin
when she's bored.
our rapport;
my frown's most
discrete little morph.
symbolic fortune cookies
open in accord;
i find letters
in my mouth sometimes.
she never tells me
what they're for.

Your use of enjambment are always spot on. It flows off the tongue and It's usually engaging. "Morph" didn't really do you any justice, it's perfect for rhythm but It was a tid too vague. I dodn't know, but that's all I find wrong with this stanza. Well"s" done.

she wrote:

"in the wake of rising authority;
i move in the moonlight,
i groove in the hindsight,
complimenting my limelight
and insubordinance.
perceptive of
my plight in conformity,
these artists just annoy me;
a plague to worn pencils every night."

I loved the way you used a 14 letter word - insubordiance and stil made it work for you. This was Impressive.

my pen weighs more than myself right now.
i hope this isn't permanent.

I think you needed to have added four more line prior to this to really make it work. To me it feels complete but they're a good two lines to conclude with.


Overall I'm usually not a fan of poets writting about other artists, but this was imprssive and great. Well done Kent and peace out.
#6
an abrupt ending when she summarized my entire existence in poetic tongue.
when a fictional epiphany becomes desparate;
i'm a tired writer.

thank you guys for your words.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
I felt it man.

Seriously, stirred something in me that I haven't felt in a while.

Makes me kind of wish i was dating a writer...

Or at least slightly poetic.

The flow of the first stanza was incredible. It was like silk on my brain and that made me keep reading, incredible man. Seriously. Keep writing like that and my heartstrings will be played like a harp.
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

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Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#8
thank you sir, i'm glad you enjoyed it.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#10
Good piece. The only thing I can complain about is the language style. Now, it's a 'style', so you can do whatever you want. But to me, it was kinda lofty and complex.

Have to say, though, your rhyme scheme was stellar. Every time you ended with the "ord" sound, it made me think "hey, this line is important!" My favorite part of the piece.

Crit mine in my sig, please?
#11
This flowed well and inspired a lot of visuals for me, making for a fun read. Although i can't put my thumb on what it's about, there is definitely substance to it. "My pen weighs more than myself right now" is an arresting line. Great work.
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#12
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
Now, it's a 'style', so you can do whatever you want. But to me, it was kinda lofty and complex.

spot on, friend. the structure and style are meant to walk hand in hand with the meaning in this piece.

thanks to both you guys for your words; i'll make sure to get to yours.

EDIT: Zach i don't know why i missed your comment when i replied. thank you very much man.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Jun 11, 2008,
#13
This is one of those poems that gets better every time I read it. All the little intricacies bring it together in a very satisfying way. The "symbolic fortune cookies" to "I find letters in my mouth sometimes" is brilliant. The only suggestion I would make is to get rid of the quotation marks inside the quote; they seem redundant and the whole thing looks/flows better without them imo.

I wish I could offer more constructive criticism but that's all I've got on this. Great piece, nice job Kent.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#15
i love this, otto. seriously. you're one of my favorite writers here. and everywhere, actually.

aaaaand i just got a tattoo in latin on my wrist. weird coicidence, huh?
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#16
thank you Jake.

and Joris, i can't begin to tell you exactly how much those words mean.

Ray, that is coincidental. i love latin though.
what does it mean?
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#17
a perfect length, and the structure is good. the enjambment was better. the content itself, though, wasn't up to much. there's nothing i can really grab on to and think, "well that's different. that makes me think." having said that, i enjoyed lines 8-11 as i feel they added something slightly different and also felt more natural. generally the rhyming in the piece distracted; it did more harm than good in my eyes. the beginning of the quote is smooth and delicate, the rhymes are complimentary. in contrast, the second to last line inside the quote felt hugely contrived, you seemed to have rhymed for the sake of rhyming. i'm indifferent on the final two lines, one minute i like them, the next they seem somewhat out of place.

i'll try make this a regular thang of getting to your pieces, btw.

p.s. write about something you care about. you were, seemingly, detached from the words and i'm guessing this doesn't mean a whole lot to you? i'd love to see you write something more deeply personal, you obviously have talent. i'll look out for your next one.
Last edited by samoo at Jun 12, 2008,
#18
amor omnis est.

it means love is all.

i'm a huge geek for latin.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#19
Sam, thank you so much for the in-depth. as for the P.S. message; noted.

Quote by hope's downfall
amor omnis est.

it means love is all.

i'm a huge geek for latin.

the meaning is exquisite.
thank you.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.