#1
Kinda like dust in the wind but more about record companies than anything else.
A southern metal/12 bars blues feeling for the verses
It's a work in progress, go easy on me

A land of Flowing Wa-at-er
Is now a sea of dirt
Didn't know this was how it would be
When I wished now-
It's all gone

Well I got a secret Do you wanna hear it come and steal it.
t's not like you'll keep it anyway
What's his, was once mine yesterday
so fade away

Ash to ash and dust to dust
your ivory towers turn to rust
and all you'll see....
I've blazed the trail that separates..
Dust.

So glad we thought this through-oo hoo
When theres so much unplanned
Life made more sense when mine made none.
We berate em oh we hate em but wanna be the man.

Well this worlds a dessert disillusion keep on drinking
Muck of the earth...
Vices return two fold the thirst
so


Ash to ash and dust to dust
your ivory towers turn to rust
and all you'll see....
I've blazed the trail that seperates..
Dust.
#2
Quote by TheBigL
Kinda like dust in the wind but more about record companies than anything else.
A southern metal/12 bars blues feeling for the verses
It's a work in progress, go easy on me

A land of Flowing Wa-at-er
Is now a sea of dirt
Didn't know this was how it would be
When I wished now-
It's all gone

I don't know what you are trying to say with the first line's "Wa-at-er". The first verse doens't start off very well. The third line doesn't flow at all, you need to reword it. And the next lines don't make any sense to me personally.

Well I got a secret Do you wanna hear it come and steal it.
t's not like you'll keep it anyway
What's his, was once mine yesterday
so fade away

First line is too long and you need to add abreviations where appropriate. The third line "What's his, was once mine yesterday", is a realaaaaaaaaaaalll tongue twister!
The last line is nice. But doens't flow with the other lines.


Ash to ash and dust to dust
your ivory towers turn to rust
and all you'll see....
I've blazed the trail that separates..
Dust.

I don't like the first two lines, I don't understand them. Maybe there is a metaphor that is deep withint this "ivory tower" turning to "rust", but its late and I can't see any. The next line though is nice.

So glad we thought this through-oo hoo
When theres so much unplanned
Life made more sense when mine made none.
We berate em oh we hate em but wanna be the man.

You don't need to add the "oo-hoo" bit. If your trying to help the readers understand the flow, it isn't necassary imo. You seem to have a knack at creating lines that totally tie your tongue together. The third line does so. The last line is cool, but too long, its needs to be spread out more.

Well this worlds a dessert disillusion keep on drinking
Muck of the earth...
Vices return two fold the thirst
so

This is good stuff here. I like that. Although it doesn't flow very well. But then again, I don't always think a song needs to flow especially.


Ash to ash and dust to dust
your ivory towers turn to rust
and all you'll see....
I've blazed the trail that seperates..
Dust.



Overal, it needs tidying up. Your grammar and tongue tying sentences need to be alleviated big time! Other than that I can't say much more. Well done.