#1
A slow folk-inspired piece.

This Ocean:

She says diving in the ocean
Is purgation of my pores
Of all the dirt spots and the stains
And the last dying refrains
Of my young life
At first contact it can take you breath away
And make you lose your nerve
But to drown yourself in sin
Is the only way to win
In this ocean

My eyes are crossed and my brow is wet
With sweat aroused from my skin
And the edges of my feet
They blur but never meet
At one point
Well the wind may sting and birds may jeer
Yet I will never go
Down to the soggy depths of soil
Where shale transforms to greasy oil
In this ocean

The gangplank quivers beneath my feet
And the sails above my head
I stand with flags unfurled
Against a cold an lonely world
By my lonesome
They say a man will never cry
If he is without fear
But my wind chapped face
Is tearing with disgrace
And self-pity
So I cross my fingers and I pray for the best
As I feel my knees give way
My heart is pounding fast
And I’ve thrown away my past
In this ocean
BOOM-SHAKALAKALAKA-BOOM-SHAKALAKUNGA
#2
Just a quick comment, but this is a really great piece. I can feel the emotion behind it. Every line seems to add to feeling. Great job.
Using satire to reveal truth since October 2007
#3
i really liked this whole thing. I think with a little editing it would be a fantastic piece. Well actually i almost like it as is. Keep it up and try to get around and crit my two: car accident and knives milk plus