#1
i don't have a title for this yet and this is just some free writing i was doing last night so i am not sure what to do with this but if a few people could just crit it and leave me a link i can crit theirs. Thanks!

Bones break and split through your skin
Blood paints fresh air
Wow, I think your leg took out the door
Oh, and the white object pertruding from your shin...

Rag doll physics taking effect,
Subconsciously thanking the ground
As your teeth are rearranged by pavement
And your face is aquainted with concrete

The woman that swerved and destroyed your body
Screams and cries
Because she doesn't know how worthless you are

She's done the world a nice favor
In fact, this isn't fair to her
what with the emotially trauma she'll endure
and the count of manslaughter

Your maimed, mangaled body
Twitches as you cough up blood
Regaining consciousness,
there are a lot of unfamiliar faces
attatched to figures that resemble
the posture of a concerned individual

You've entered what is similiar to the dream state
in which facial recognition isn't functioning...
#2
Quote by Boulet1096
i don't have a title for this yet and this is just some free writing i was doing last night so i am not sure what to do with this but if a few people could just crit it and leave me a link i can crit theirs. Thanks!

Bones break and split through your skin
Blood paints fresh air
Wow, I think your leg took out the door
Oh, and the white object pertruding from your shin...
I don't know how to feel about this stanza, particularly the last two lines. I mean, I'm sure your language there is intentional, but it feels like you're disconnecting the reader from the main character. Part of it is because it's being spoken in the opinion and viewpoint of another person. You can say "you" plenty of times, and still keep it in first person. But the casual mood of this other dude... I personally didn't like it.

Rag doll physics taking effect,
Subconsciously thanking the ground
As your teeth are rearranged by pavement
And your face is aquainted with concrete
"Concrete" sticks out here. The term "rag doll physics" continues my thought from the first stanza. Now, if you want to keep that thought, that's fine. I liked the rhyme "pavement" here. I don't know why...

The woman that swerved and destroyed your body
Screams and cries
Because she doesn't know how worthless you are

She's done the world a nice favor
In fact, this isn't fair to her
what with the emotially trauma she'll endure
and the count of manslaughter
Personally didn't like the rhyme scheme. All four rhymed, with the first one a half-rhyme. As far as the subject goes, it's interesting to see you go into the actual effect of the crash.

Your maimed, mangaled body
Twitches as you cough up blood
Regaining consciousness,
there are a lot of unfamiliar faces
attatched to figures that resemble
the posture of a concerned individual
With six lines here, rhyme is difficult to attain correctly, and yet so crucial. I started to trip up after reaching line three, finding that it doesn't connect with anything.

You've entered what is similiar to the dream state
in which facial recognition isn't functioning...


Overall, it was decent. I'd like to see some more of these side stories, regarding the main character. Imagine alternating verses, one about the crash, one about the character. Then the reality of the crash takes a deeper meaining. It could be a depressed mans release. It could be expounded upon to whatever you'd like...
Sorry, I'm ranting...

Crit mine in my sig?
#3
haha thanks. i didn't even know i rhymed some of that. i really don't try to rhyme any of my work because it just doesn't usually work out. i am going to go crit yours