#1
Here is a song i wrote for my band

please critique and i will return the favor:



Come over here
You’ve got a bit of personality showing
let me get that for you
There much better
Now you can fit in
The machines wont find you
Lay low
While the option is still open to you
Who knows what they can do to you

Ive got a match and some gasoline
But not enough for you and I
One of us will turn to ash
One will stay behind

Is it hot in here?
Or are you on fire?
No matter
I’ve got to get you home before they worry

Never has a car crash been so beautiful
The glass could have used more practice

What a turn on
When my skin touches your metallic body
You brought this on yourself
I had to promise not to love you

Turn off the radio (I'm tired of hearing my favorite song)
Turn off the radio (being in the mood is way past gone)
Turn off the radio (I'm tired of hearing my favorite song)
Turn off the radio (The sound of static is getting to me)

Don’t Hurt Yourself
Let me hurt for you
#3
I dig it. You might want to re do the "sound of the static is gone" to rhyme with the second one "being in the mood is way past gone". but good stuff. what style of music is this going with?
#4
That does seem like a sci-fi/dystopia movie theme or something. Not bad, but it seems very themed. I mean, without a rythym, it's like someone saw THX-118 and wrote a poem about it.

Insight?
I was an Internet Witness in the mike.h Murder Case.
Quote by Pauldapro
this man is right. everything he says is right. so, stop killing people and get therapy ffs
#5
Quote by thepope29
I dig it. You might want to re do the "sound of the static is gone" to rhyme with the second one "being in the mood is way past gone". but good stuff. what style of music is this going with?



Its more of a hardcore metalcore type song. there is no real structure, the music is always changing. as a matter of fact every time theres a break in print is when the music changes.

Thank you all, I am only 16
#6
Yeah, I like it. It kind of has a Sonic Youth feel to it, doesn't it?
I was an Internet Witness in the mike.h Murder Case.
Quote by Pauldapro
this man is right. everything he says is right. so, stop killing people and get therapy ffs
#8
you seriously need some punctuation in this. seeeeeeeriously. content wise, its nothing mind bendingly awesome, but not bad. your ideas all run together though, from the lack of punctuation. fix it!


and thanks for the comment on mine.
ray
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?