#1
(i've something more "metaliteral" percolating. but for now, this will have to do)

they say "love's a flower", but i'm needing more
than an hour or two with a rosy-cheeked whore
so if you want love, and you want it with me
then heavens above, make love like a tree

a tree lasts a lifetime, perhaps even longer
its branches are sturdy, the trunk somewhat stronger.
could be cherry or apple ... peach, pear or mango
step closer my dear, 'cause it "takes two to tango"
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Jun 12, 2008,
#2
Your sense of flow and rhythm is improving with every write.

That said, S2L3 stutters like an old man witha bad back ice skating on ice covered in treacle.

I didn't care for the overuse of "want" in S1 either, such is the shortness of the piece that repeition is exagerrated and when it's not used for a witty effect it can make the idea and word seem tedious.

S1L1 I think should be "wanted". It improves the metre.

Also, the last line; the doubling up of the stressed syllables in "still" and "take" really hurt the flow imo. There's this really good metre going throughout the piece, and the last line changes it. I'd look closely at the syllable pattern you use consistently well throughout and think about re-writing the last line.

Thanks for your comment.

#3
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
i've something more "metaliteral" percolating. but for now, this will have to do

^^

the rythmic pattern in the second stanza is an ABOMINATION BEFORE THE LORD.
in a good way.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#4
I love the way the second verse or stanza is a little cracky or tributary like. It adds to the feeling that love is a little bit cracky, even if its sturdy, fruitful and varied like a tree.

I quite say I dislike anything from this. I always enjoy reading your work, although this is actually the first time I have said anything.
#5
Your sense of flow is, in my opinion, the best to appear on UG. I don't think this is your strongest work, but it did have its good points. "its branches are sturdy, the trunk somewhat stronger" was my favorite, as it painted the picture very well. The line after that is clunky, but it still can be done. I got it right in my head after a couple tries. Can't say I enjoyed the "rosy cheeked *****" line though...
#6
I like it alot! I don't see the trouble with Stanza 2 Line 3, I read just fine the first time. Great rhythm, and great imagery!

I know I didn't say much, but if you feel like critting my song I'd appreciate it: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=881947
#7
I don't know what to say other than I love your gallopy rhyming style here.
#8
thanks all, i appreciate the kind words and the feedback.

That said, S2L3 stutters like an old man witha bad back ice skating on ice covered in treacle

Jamie, you have such a way with words.
but i'm not touching that line. it's right where i want it to be.
i did take your advice on the other issues. i went slightly differently in S1L1.
i wanted to keep it in the present. still achieves the same goal rhythmically.
you always give me great advice.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#9
For the third line, I'd replace "...peach, pear..." with "banana" so it reads, "...banana or mango". By doing this, there would be an extra syllable and I think this helps it to flow better and keeps with the this or that pattern you established with "cherry or apple".

Otherwise, this is very good and the rhyming pattern is very strong. Bravo.

Please read my signature.
#10
With that idea, above poster, you lose all sense of female sensuality and sexuality and instead have the image of a massive bannana.

Which will do this piece far more harm than if you translated it into backwards hebrew mirror writing.

Which is to say, it's a bad idea. No offense, but the sexuality is all in the chosen fruit.

#11
This is just beautiful. Read aloud I found that I got more from it, with the long, slow vowels and assonance evident. Please crit mine? It's my first "proper" song and advice from writers like you would be much appreciated https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=14699112#post14699112
Ibanez GAX50
Epiphone Valve Junior
Boss OS-2 Overdrive/Distortion

Saving for:

*Line 6 Echo Park delay
#13
Quote by Jammydude44
With that idea, above poster, you lose all sense of female sensuality and sexuality and instead have the image of a massive bannana.

Which will do this piece far more harm than if you translated it into backwards hebrew mirror writing.

Which is to say, it's a bad idea. No offense, but the sexuality is all in the chosen fruit.



Oh, my untainted mind had not even considered that. THE FRUIT IS A METAPHOR FOR SEXUAL ORGANS!
#14
lol @ the focus on the fruit.
tbh, i hadn't thought of the sexual nature of each fruit when making my choices,
i was going for the sound of the words. i suppose subconsciously, i went with female choices.

alteemsma, thanks for the advice on banana.
but aside from the male aspect, that isn't at all what i'm trying to accomplish in that line.
it goes on a slight tangent on the tree theme, and the slight pause in the middle is crucial, before i turn back to the sex theme by rhyming tango with mango. and i love the impact that the "p" sounds create.

rhythm is one of the most important focuses for me in this little piece. i thought the semicolon should have been enough to hold the dead space/no pickup note before the strong downbeat on peach, but apparently that doesn't translate so well.
i've changed the punctuation, maybe this is better.

idk
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Jun 12, 2008,
#15
I liked this. It's probably the best I've read from you in a while. I didn't really like the 'it takes two to tango' line, but the other stuff was quite alright. The flow was spot on, I really liked that. The whole fruit thing made me smile, I got it right away and I was like 'lol clever' and it didn't really strike me as being cliché so yeah, good work.

I have something I'd like you to look at but I'm not posting it. I'll PM you the link? Let me know.