#1
i know it's long, but please help me, it's very important. Tom's going to be at my next gig, so this one's supposed to be a nasty surprise for him.

c4c if you leave a link

those parts in italics are a spoken part, by my female bassist - it has to be a girl
_____________________________________________________

i've seen her blue bruises, Tom
i know your dark and dirty little secret.
i've wiped away her tears, Tom
i know how pathetic you really are.
it's easy to put on a smile, Tom
when you're smiling up out of the pit
and i know that she smiles at you, Tom
but i've seen the tears and the scars

(its not his fault, he's lovely. i provoke him, and he always knows what i want better than i do)
she think's it's her fault, Tom
but i know better, Tom
poor girl, do you even care?

i know what happened that night, Tom
she didn't fall for your charm, did she, Tom?
and of course, that gives you the right
you can even tell your friends how much she wanted it
but i'll see through you like glass if you do, Tom
i know that she promised not to tell
but she knows that she's safe when shes with me, Tom
so it all comes out. that's called trust, Tom.

and somehow i'll find a way
to make her see
you for what you are
you can't maintain this hold through fear forever
and i'll find a way
to give her all the things
that she should have had from you.

i wonder if you can hear this, Tom
on the radio in your notting hill tower
maybe i'll burn you a copy, Tom
so you can know that i know what you hope she kept close
you can't talk your way around me, Tom
because i've seen the tears and the scars
i've seen the bruises and the fear in her eyes
and the shudder whenever she's touched

(its not his fault, he's lovely. i provoke him, and he always knows what i want better than i do)
she think's it's her fault, Tom
but i know better, Tom
poor girl, do you even care?

if she tells me to, i'll leave it, Tom
she's the only one who can save you
i wonder, Tom, if you've given her a reason?
you're going to wish you had soon.
if only you hadn't needed some, Tom
if only you had let her alone
if only you weren't high, drunk and savage
if only she wasn't just a girl

and somehow i'll find a way
to make her see
you for what you are
you can't maintain this hold through fear forever
and i'll find a way
to give her all the things
that she should have had from you.

i'm really looking forward to meeting you, Tom
#2
Mate, i like this

Tis nice to see another nice guy who says **** YOU to knobheads and sticks up for his friends.

Well done.
My hat is off to you sir.


Btw, nice way of getting it out
#3
Personally mate. If you wrote that about me, I'd laugh. Writing wise.

It seems contrived, cliche, and overly simplistic. It's not confronting because it sounds childish.

The repetition doesn't seem all that good in itself.

Personally, i'd start again and try some metaphors, make it so that YOU know what's happening but don't go out and just tell everyone at the show that the guy beats on women, because seriously, what he does is ****ed up but you're a dickhead for pointing it out like that.

I just feel like it could be written better.

I know that sounds weird but I seriously think if you want to get your point across like that. On that type of topic, that maybe you'll need a bit more practice before you take on a topic of that importance with that person there...

Sorry man. Good luck if you play it though
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Last edited by Auals at Jun 10, 2008,
#4
That's really, really good.

Not too over complicated but it doesn't sound contrived either.

Can we get an idea of the music/vocal style too? In my head I'm hearing post-hardcore music with switching between low singing and screaming/growling. Bit like Quicksand or Glassjaw or something.
#5
heavens to hell - its a bit different, actually. kind of soft and growling at the beginning, crescendo-ing as it continues, sort of punk-rock, i guess, mostly.
#6
Quote by jumped_up_kid
heavens to hell - its a bit different, actually. kind of soft and growling at the beginning, crescendo-ing as it continues, sort of punk-rock, i guess, mostly.


Interesting...

See I saw it as the verses being kind of sung low and kinda quiet, slightly gravelly/growley.

Then the bit with the female vocals being more forcifully shouted, but still keeping a melody. Bit kind of Dillinger-ish vocals.

Then a bit more forceful and driven for the rest.

But obviously you have "the vision" so I wish you all the best. If you post it on myspace or something PM me I'd love to hear a full version of it.
#7
you need to stop saying Tom.
I thought that it had real potential but you made it too obvious. If he's been doing whatever he's been doing then he'll know you're talking about him. You don't need to repeat his name over and over again for him to get the point.
I thought it was good but please don't say the word Tom once at your gig. It's lame and a bit cheesy.
Like i said if he hears the lyrics he'll know that you're talking about him.
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#8
Quote by isabiggles
you need to stop saying Tom.
I thought that it had real potential but you made it too obvious. If he's been doing whatever he's been doing then he'll know you're talking about him. You don't need to repeat his name over and over again for him to get the point.
I thought it was good but please don't say the word Tom once at your gig. It's lame and a bit cheesy.
Like i said if he hears the lyrics he'll know that you're talking about him.


See personally I liked that, found it made me think that like as he was arguing with him he was jabbing him in the chest each time he said "Tom."

But that was just me.
#9
Personally, I liked the repitition of Tom, too. I thought it was important. And if you know how to sing it, even better. I do think, however, that it's too long, and some of the stanzas aren't up to snuff. Keep the first stanza, the rest is up to you. Stick it to Tom.
#10
I think its an awsome song and it'll be cool sing about a big secret of somepne n the audience
#11
the whole "saying tom" thing.

Dont say it AS often.

But do say it sometimes, i'd say twice each verse is more than enough
#12
Quote by CobbZ
the whole "saying tom" thing.

Dont say it AS often.

But do say it sometimes, i'd say twice each verse is more than enough



I think, when it comes down to it, it's about how it's sung. I think of it as one way, but you think of it as another. The point to the writer, however, is that if it's to be included, it better be done right.
#13
Quote by Auals

Personally, i'd start again and try some metaphors, make it so that YOU know what's happening but don't go out and just tell everyone at the show that the guy beats on women, because seriously, what he does is ****ed up but you're a dickhead for pointing it out like that.


I disagree with you there.

He'd be a dickhead and a complete coward if he didn't confront the guy.
This is absolutely perfect for what it's intended.
I can't see you every recording this.
It'd need to be rewritten for that...
but to humiliate this bastard, whoever he is, it's great.
The repetition of a name is enough to cut anyone down.
Using it the way you have is gonna make him wish he wasn't there.
Before you start, dedicate it to him. Make sure everyone in the audience knows exactly who you're singing to. Point him out if you have to.
Guys who beat up on girls, or anyone for that manner are absolute scum.
Death by humiliation.
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#15
Quote by jumped_up_kid


i've seen her blue bruises, Tom
i know your dark and dirty little secret.
i've wiped away her tears, Tom
i know how pathetic you really are.
it's easy to put on a smile, Tom *Remove this Tom
when you're smiling up out of the pit
and i know that she smiles at you, Tom
but i've seen the tears and the scars

There's just too many Toms. Repetition it is good because it gets the point across (and it should be like jabbing a finger in his chest every time you say it), but it would be much more effective if you were pickier with where you put them.


(its not his fault, he's lovely. i provoke him, and he always knows what i want better than i do)
she thinks it's her fault, Tom *Remove this Tom
but i know better, Tom
poor girl, do you even care?

i know what happened that night, Tom
she didn't fall for your charm, did she, Tom?
and of course, that gives you the right
you can even tell your friends how much she wanted it
but i'll see through you like glass if you do, Tom
i know that she promised not to tell
but she knows that she's safe when shes with me, Tom *Remove this Tom
so it all comes out. that's called trust, Tom.

and somehow i'll find a way
to make her see
you for what you are
This line break doesn't sound right, seems like it should be one line.
you can't maintain this hold through fear forever
and i'll find a way
to give her all the things
that she should have had from you.

i wonder if you can hear this, Tom
on the radio in your notting hill tower
maybe i'll burn you a copy, Tom
so you can know that i know - what you hope she kept close
That's one of the most confusing lines I've ever read, I would make it a new line after the hyphen.
you can't talk your way around me, Tom
because i've seen the tears and the scars
i've seen the bruises and the fear in her eyes
and the shudder whenever she's touched

(its not his fault, he's lovely. i provoke him, and he always knows what i want better than i do)
she thinks it's her fault, Tom-
but i know better, Tom
poor girl, do you even care?

if she tells me to, i'll leave it, Tom
she's the only one who can save you
i wonder, Tom, if you've given her a reason?
Awesome line.
you're going to wish you had soon.
if only you hadn't needed some, Tom
if only you had let her alone
if only you weren't high, drunk and savage
if only she wasn't just a girl

and somehow i'll find a way
to make her see
you for what you are
Once again, you should make these two lines into one.
you can't maintain this hold through fear forever
and i'll find a way
to give her all the things
that she should have had from you.

i'm really looking forward to meeting you, Tom

Great ending.


Just a few things that I would fix for the flow of the song, but this is pretty good. Stick it to that bastard.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Jun 12, 2008,
#16
Quote by Billyjson
Just a few things that I would fix for the flow of the song, but this is pretty good. Stick it to that bastard.


...touché good sir. You've made some good points and I like you're edit.

Obviously it's the TS's perogative to take your advice on board though.