#1
A ska-punk/skacore/indie ska song i wrote

Okay, its bare so far, but tell me what you think

...and so it begins...
1 2 3 4!
working together lets see what we achive,
destroying this systems what we need,
GO!

some more ideas that need building on:
they can't make us,
you won't break us.
-
pick it up,
together we'll find a reason why
-
i've got a feeling,
the sooner, the later
KAPTAINS - Coming Soon!
-
Epiphone G-400 Custom
Yamaha Pacifica 112v
-
Crybaby
Digitech Bad Monkey
EHX Little Big Muff Pi
Danelectro Transparent Overdrive
Boss BF3
-
Vox Valvetronix AD30VT
Marshall G50RCD
#2
anyone?
KAPTAINS - Coming Soon!
-
Epiphone G-400 Custom
Yamaha Pacifica 112v
-
Crybaby
Digitech Bad Monkey
EHX Little Big Muff Pi
Danelectro Transparent Overdrive
Boss BF3
-
Vox Valvetronix AD30VT
Marshall G50RCD
#4
I don't know what you expect anyone to crit with that. Sorry.
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
RED MILITIA FACTION
#5
Okay, first let me start off with a personal hatred of mine that many might share. Don't ever put interjections in your writing. They are more of a musical instrument than a lyrical tactic. They have no flow, no purpose, no nuthin. I just skimmed over your drummer counting you off, and the random "GO!" put in there.

First idea: Bland, cliche. "Break" and "make" have bad results when you rhyme them together.

Second idea: Take out "together" and maybe it'll be fine. I'm just not getting anything here.

Third idea: What's "the sooner, the later" supposed to mean? They contradict each other.

Okay, it seems that you have an incomplete song with some staple couplets that you want to carry the song. They can't, and for a couple reasons. The first is that they don't really communicate thoughts. The lines could be crammed into any writing. The second reason is that they don't flow with each other. You'd have to make three different types of stanza's which isn't TOO incredibly difficult, but the second and third don't even flow within themselves. My advice: get a subject, write some whole verses. Only through the full exploration of your topic will you find the lines that actually MAKE the piece. I've had it occur to me, where I think up a line, and think "that's cool. It's got to fit somewhere", but with no such luck. First comes subject, next comes content, then comes the editing.
Not to sound arrogant or hateful, but this is just my opinion...
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Jun 10, 2008,
#7
good job i like the 1st verse and can hear the ryhtm to it splendid keep building it up i want hear the rest
"LIVE and LET DIE...."
#8
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
Okay, first let me start off with a personal hatred of mine that many might share. Don't ever put interjections in your writing. They are more of a musical instrument than a lyrical tactic. They have no flow, no purpose, no nuthin. I just skimmed over your drummer counting you off, and the random "GO!" put in there.

First idea: Bland, cliche. "Break" and "make" have bad results when you rhyme them together.

Second idea: Take out "together" and maybe it'll be fine. I'm just not getting anything here.

Third idea: What's "the sooner, the later" supposed to mean? They contradict each other.

Okay, it seems that you have an incomplete song with some staple couplets that you want to carry the song. They can't, and for a couple reasons. The first is that they don't really communicate thoughts. The lines could be crammed into any writing. The second reason is that they don't flow with each other. You'd have to make three different types of stanza's which isn't TOO incredibly difficult, but the second and third don't even flow within themselves. My advice: get a subject, write some whole verses. Only through the full exploration of your topic will you find the lines that actually MAKE the piece. I've had it occur to me, where I think up a line, and think "that's cool. It's got to fit somewhere", but with no such luck. First comes subject, next comes content, then comes the editing.
Not to sound arrogant or hateful, but this is just my opinion...



i disagree with some of that, but agree with most, make and break do SOMETIMES go together alright...

cant call you arrogent, i asked for crits
KAPTAINS - Coming Soon!
-
Epiphone G-400 Custom
Yamaha Pacifica 112v
-
Crybaby
Digitech Bad Monkey
EHX Little Big Muff Pi
Danelectro Transparent Overdrive
Boss BF3
-
Vox Valvetronix AD30VT
Marshall G50RCD
#9
Quote by SG-Jack
i disagree with some of that, but agree with most, make and break do SOMETIMES go together alright...

cant call you arrogent, i asked for crits


You can't call him arrogant because he isn't. He's right. You asked for crits because you're willing to take them on board and improve your writing, yes?

You and your bumping after less than an hour of posting this thread in the first place show that you obviously never come in here or know the rules or how anything works. You also posted a thread asking for ska writing help, and then disregarded what I said and asked for people to crit what are simply ideas with no construction whatsoever. Eh.

Go back and read what I wrote, then write. Then write. Then write some more. Read throughout. Then find a whole piece that you like, and post and I'll promise you a big lovely crit.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
^ I laughed slightly at that. ^

As for the 'song', it's kinda alright, but a little stereotypical. And it seems to work with the idea you're going with. Work on it a bit more, and it should turn out alright.
#12
Quote by Jammydude44
And don't forget the report button Katherine

Don't bump, TS. Read them rules.


I'm too nice for that! *coughs loudly over the thought of niceness*

I usually only report body mod thread n00bs.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!