#1
Get a wash in your scummy bath
Because the cheese ear smell is not an aftermath
Of your total lack of social skills
Your bedroom floor is ****ty with everything
A used chicken carcass laid in the bin
You scratched all the DVD’s you lent from me

So loosen your t-shirt or lose some of your weight
Coz you’re always gonna find it difficult to find a new mate
So loosen your t-shirt or lose some of your weight
Coz you’re always gonna find it difficult to find a new mate

Why you staying in all alone
With chat line ladies on the telephone
The outside world it’s got girls for you
Playing on your station in a mood
Or staring at your neighbour in the nude
That’s entertainment for the strange

So loosen your t-shirt or lose some of your weight
Coz you’re always gonna find it difficult to find a new mate
So loosen your t-shirt or lose some of your weight
Coz you’re always gonna find it difficult to find a new mate

Inside there is too gruesome
Come back out you’re still handsome
There’s still more space in here for you
Wear some gaffa tape on your shoe
Or an indoor scarf in baby blue
Then maybe you will just fit in.

So loosen your t-shirt or lose some of your weight
Coz you’re always gonna find it difficult to find a new mate
So loosen your t-shirt or lose some of your weight
Coz you’re always gonna find it difficult to find a new mate
#2
Get a wash in your scummy bath
Because the cheese ear smell is not an aftermath
this blows. you had me interested until the forced rhyme using aftermath.
it doesn't come close to fitting, using it in that context.

Of your total lack of social skills
Your bedroom floor is ****ty with everything
with everything. blah.
A used chicken carcass laid in the bin
used is weak, but not horrible. laid is a missed opportunity.
tossed gives it the lack of care it deserves.

You scratched all the DVD’s you lent from me
clumsy, rhythmically.
and the grammar is inside out.
he didn't lend them from you, he borrowed them from you.
rework it if you can, or replace it.
it's not all that important of an idea.


So loosen your t-shirt or lose some of your weight
probably drop the "t" from the shirt to improve the rhythm
makes little sense when you think about how you would loosen a t-shirt, anyway.

Coz you’re always gonna find it difficult to find a new mate
clumsy and wordy. this is the chorus. keep it simple.
So loosen your t-shirt or lose some of your weight
Coz you’re always gonna find it difficult to find a new mate
unless your first two lines have a ton of power,
you'll need more variety than a straight repeat.


Why you staying in all alone (are?)
With chat line ladies on the telephone
The outside world it’s got girls for you
Playing on your station in a mood
Or staring at your neighbour in the nude
That’s entertainment for the strange

So loosen your t-shirt or lose some of your weight
Coz you’re always gonna find it difficult to find a new mate
So loosen your t-shirt or lose some of your weight
Coz you’re always gonna find it difficult to find a new mate

Inside there is too gruesome
there destroys this.
it's a half-hearted attempt to fix the rhythm.
do more.

Come back out you’re still handsome
There’s still more space in here for you
sounds like filler to me.
Wear some gaffa tape on your shoe
Or an indoor scarf in baby blue
Then maybe you will just fit in.

So loosen your t-shirt or lose some of your weight
Coz you’re always gonna find it difficult to find a new mate
So loosen your t-shirt or lose some of your weight
Coz you’re always gonna find it difficult to find a new mate


when adjusting rhythm, don't just consider the beginning of the line to be the downbeat. sometimes the first syllable falls between the last downbeat of the previous line and the first downbeat of the current line. the stress on the syllable will help you decide. it takes more than just counting the number of syllables.
this is a goofy piece, but not a bad place to start. don't be afraid to rip into it. alter, add, delete.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#3
A few good ideas for me cheers Someone You Knew. My mate always tells me none of the words fit to anything i do, but for some reason when i sing it myself it fits. I just extend and shorten words to fit, adds a bit of spice.

But just couple of corrections the inside out grammar of "DVD's you lent from me" is just the way people speak where i am from, we use it the other away around. More of a local thing i suppose.

And just in general the wording of things like "loosen your t-shirt or lose some of your weight" and "A used chicken carcass laid in the bin" its conversational language the way i would say it if i was actually talking to my mate. Just seems more natural to me then putting descriptive words in that don't mean anything to me.

if you want to here it fit you can listen to it at myspace.com/therevoffs second song down.
#4
I listened to this on your profile and everythings fits awesome (and I'm talking rhythmically and lyrically), not to mention it's a very good tune. Good job.
EDIT: Wanna crit this? Just added it: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=882634
Last edited by O-52-A-50-R at Jun 11, 2008,
#5
I read the lyrics and listened to the song and I think it could use some work.

The tune is great, but the 1st verse sounds like you're trying to squish in words. Maybe shorten it somehow?

I also think the length of the lines in the chorus are too long. It doesn't really fit.

I also agree with SomeoneYouKnew that you should replace some of the words (like 'laid' and 'with everything') to more vivid words/verbs. It may sound more natural because it's the way people speak, but not everyone has a high vocabulary There's more imagery using other words.

It's a interesting idea and good tune so keep at it. That's just my two cents.