#1
Percy sat in front of the television on an empty orange crate all through
the 1960's watching General Hospital.
During conversation, he would start off by looking you in the eyes and then his
sight would slowly drift up past your head as if he was talking to your scalp.
Teachers and doctors and specialists and friends and family and shopkeepers would come to him because he never had to move off his fucking crate.
Percy was a savant with an 11" penis, which was all he had going for him.
A black neighbor kid of 17 brought a lady over for Percy to meet once.
"See this dude? This is who I was talking about. Brother's got a dick bigger than a table leg. I don't think he's ever used it."
The boy pulled Percy's pants down to reveal his mammoth member and the girl agreed.
She took Percy next door and fucked him.
He clasped the sheets while she moaned and bit and slapped and sighed.
He didn't blink once.
He was 11 years old.

In the tub one day his mother noticed his growing detachment from his
day to day routine.
He couldn't tell you anything about the relationship status of Luke and Laura up in Port Charles, New York.
"What's wrong, hun?"
He didn't answer.
"Is there something you need, hun?"
Percy rose and stood on the edge of the tub.
He perched himself like a crane and his gargantuan penis swayed like
an outlaw suspended from rope.
"I want electric bass strings strung up through my veins and I want to vomit
pussies and dicks and pussies and dicks and pussies and dicks onto the steps of
a church, because it's something I just don't got."
Poor advice.
Last edited by stellar_legs at Jun 10, 2008,
#3
I wish I didn't like it.


But I do.
And I judge myself for it.
MARK ALL THAT APPLY:

[_] [_] [_] [_] [x]

Quote by cagnius
Shut up. Actually, higher mods...can we ban him for being a cunt?
#5
I'm a little busy to crit this now, but I will say that that is one of the most atrocious titles I have ever read.




You were right though. I changed it.
#6
I really should report this for being inappropriate, but it was a close one... I got absolutely nothing from this song. Freeform, no rhymes. Nothing.
#7
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
I really should report this for being inappropriate, but it was a close one... I got absolutely nothing from this song. Freeform, no rhymes. Nothing.


Oh no...

Randy, tell me you're throwing in some wicked chord changes for that bitchin' chorus.

Anyways, for a real comment. I liked all of it up until the ending. Usually I thouroughly enjoy your stuff but I didn't really love the ending like I usually do. Maybe I just don't "get it", or something. The rest was great as usual though, you have a great talent at making interesting imagery. (The "outlaw" bit was a highpoint for me)
#8
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
I really should report this for being inappropriate, but it was a close one... I got absolutely nothing from this song. Freeform, no rhymes. Nothing.



Then how about you go ahead and report this then go listen to some Soundgarden records?


rush, I feel so good about this one. It may not seem so, but it touches on at least five different ideas from pieces I've posted dating back to two years ago. Not to be self-centered, but I think this piece will reward regulars who take the time to dig through it.
Poor advice.
#9
Hey, I didn't mean to come across as brash. I can understand what you're striving at, I just couldn't see what was to be had from this...
#10
Reminds me of Tropic of Cancer.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#11
Wonderful as usual. Really vulgar and absurd, even for you

btw, this wouldn't have anything to do with Jonah Falcon, would it?
-Landon
#12
Thankyou, you just made my day
Ibanez GAX50
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Saving for:

*Line 6 Echo Park delay
#14
I'm not familiar with any of your work so I'm sure what your objectives as a writer are. However, it is my personal opinion that the subject matter detracts from your message too much. Should you choose to alter this and make it into a song, I don't see it being a Top Forty hit. However, I view this more as a form of liberal expression that, once again, is clouded by blatant offensiveness.
#15
Because that's the musician's dream, right? To score a Top 40 hit? To be right up there with Rihanna and Jeezy?

It's not a song, it will never be a song, and if I post a set of lyrics on this forum I will make goddamn fucking sure that people know before they click the fucking link that it IS A SET OF LYRICS.

Is there anyone left on this forum with a fucking brain? Or have they all been replaced with middle school "Rock n' Roll" stars who listen to Disturbed?
Poor advice.
#16
^ Current state of affairs seems to point at the latter.
Quote by denizenz
I'll logic you right in the thyroid.

Art & Lutherie
#17
Quote by alteemsma
However, it is my personal opinion that the subject matter detracts from your message too much.

What was the message?

Randy, you know I usually always dig your writing, but this felt empty.

You're still my favorite writer here, though.
#18
I actually enjoyed it, a lot. I loved the image of the empty orange crate and the way you end the first stanza with the two short and separated sentences that kind of made me pause. The ending was a bit vulgar, but I actually thought it was perfect for the piece. I really really dug this piece.
DOWN&OUT
#20
This was extremely thought-provoking for me, especially after (and throughout) re-reading it. I'm not sure Ive fully swallowed all the ideas yet, as it seems quite layered, but this is one of my favorite pieces to date.
Your Signature:
#21
You're a ****ing genius hahahaha.

Teachers and doctors and specialists and friends and family and shopkeepers would come to him because he never had to move off his ****ing crate.

AND

he was 11 years old


cracked me up, both times. It's good. Very good. I feel better after reading your pieces coz they show the world in a way that I never look at it, thank you

*runs off to listen to Hannah Montana like all the real popular kids do*

(My guitar students all want to learn her songs at the moment... it's pathetic )
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#23
I always like your stuff. But this one, i have to agree with the people like samoo that said, "what is the message here?" Maybe i'm just an idiot, but i've read it three times, and didn't pick up on "the big picture" or anything. Idk. Feel free to enlighten me if i'm just being a dumb ass.
#24
Percy sat in front of the television on an empty orange crate all through
the 1960's watching General Hospital.

well I almost don’t mean to critique these first two because they set up the piece and are in the author’s style and it does get you intrigued (esp. use of word ‘orange’, - imagery) and you know that whatever the case may be, the rest of this is likely worth reading and giving it a go.

During conversation, he would start off by looking you in the eyes and then his
sight would slowly drift up past your head as if he was talking to your scalp.

these last two sentences - seems like it’s getting you ready to become, as a reader, quite interested in Percy’s state of mind, his psyche , and the reader may well be getting ready for the payoff – i.e. what’s up with Percy’s psyche that’s so interesting my reading this piece will be paid off in the end, ‘blown of mind’. hoping for, anyway.. (it’s either I read this piece and am satisfied w/ the end or I smoke some Magik Johnson..)

Teachers and doctors and specialists and friends and family and shopkeepers would come to him because he never had to move off his ****ing crate.

First sentence: feels a bit like ‘teachers’ ‘doctors’ ‘specialists’ ‘friends’ ‘family’ ‘shopkeepers’ are kind of forced in there, used for effect of simply the sheer amount of different people ‘visiting’ him, .. you’re not sure if there’s something wrong with him (i.e. cancer, doctor, specialists), which a ‘teacher’ might come to his house and talk to him and hand him assignments and the like if he does indeed have a deathly illness, i.e. cancer. Friends, family, yada yada, but then there’s ‘shopkeepers’ that pops up, and you’re not sure what to think. not sure at all. but that’s the odd one out. what, is the shopkeeper delivering a sandwich to a sick kid in bed in the 60’s?

the second: the reader’s surprised in that the writer’s personal emotion has come through in this sentence through the use of the word ‘****ing’. The writer, suddenly, is seemingly angry at one (1) the situation that Percy sits on a crate all day, and at two (2) the crate itself. . Reader is perhaps a bit miffed, and wondering why should we care about the author’s personal emotions? (if this piece is about a (fictional) character named Percy. – it’s certainly not Percy who looks at his crate as a ‘****ing’ crate.

Percy was a savant with an 11" penis, which was all he had going for him.
A black neighbor kid of 17 brought a lady over for Percy to meet once.
"See this dude? This is who I was talking about. Brother's got a dick bigger than a table leg. I don't think he's ever used it."
The boy pulled Percy's pants down to reveal his mammoth member and the girl agreed.
She took Percy next door and ****ed him.
He clasped the sheets while she moaned and bit and slapped and sighed.
He didn't blink once.
He was 11 years old.

these last two lines are the only ones that are good out of the last 9. it seems like it’s a payoff, but it’s a tough payoff to get to, because the reader has to read through a little, well, almost pornography, -because there is artistic merit here… but, still, perhaps uncomfortable in ways, - even if bukowski himself were to raise up and read it.. but it does pay off, - in a way,.. anyway… it’s an original thought to describe a character’s frame of mind in such a way, i.e. ‘lose virginity 11 yrs old don’t even blink during it.’ But, also, a little eff’ed up. reader is perhaps feeling like author is ‘pushing down throat’ that you should like this, and if you don’t you don’t know what good writing is, .. the writing of the future! [sic] .. Reader is perhaps not convinced.

In the tub one day his mother noticed his growing detachment from his
day to day routine.
He couldn't tell you anything about the relationship status of Luke and Laura up in Port Charles, New York.
"What's wrong, hun?"
He didn't answer.
"Is there something you need, hun?"
Percy rose and stood on the edge of the tub.
He perched himself like a crane and his gargantuan penis swayed like
an outlaw suspended from rope.
"I want electric bass strings strung up through my veins and I want to vomit
pussies and dicks and pussies and dicks and pussies and dicks onto the steps of
a church, because it's something I just don't got."

it’s pretty ****ing weird that the kid would perch naked in a tub at 11 years old in front of his mom, and if this kid, at 11, would be so ‘savant’ in the head, the reader (likely) doesn’t buy that he’s smart enough to think of bass strings from an electric bass guitar (they’re thicker than guitar strings, rock and roll, etc.) running through his veins….. if he was smart enough to be able to think of this as something to effin’ say, as an 11 year old, then he would have enough self-awareness to not stand on the edge of a tub talking crazy bass strings in veins metaphor (and the next line (…shudder to even write out an example of it .. seems a little ‘Jandek’ in ways – i.e. a line in a Jandek song – ‘excuse me, sir, but is that a knife sticking out of your face?&rsquo) to his mother while naked, displaying his gentiles. and, following this, what I’m saying is that the second from last sentence, yes, we know it, is completely out of the alien green sky. the reader is like ‘WHAAAAAT???’ . it’s shock value. it’s a let down to the reader. makes the reader think ‘I know what you were trying to do here mister (to writer)’, - it feels like the writer is forcing the reader to get to the end of this and have to read this last part, like the writer is playing a prank on the reader, laughing to himself, and the reader, us, me, is the butt of the joke. Somewhat brought up by the mention of a church, and the last sentence is good. maybe even good enough to close out this piece. but the kid’s got to talk in some way that’s more realistic, - even in his ‘savant’ mind state and psyche. Because, after all, Percy is only 11.




This could be a piece that could stand on it’s own. The flow of it was nice, as is the maturity of the writing.. so, in the writing style and technique, the reader is very pleased. But the reader, in getting through it, might realize that they weren’t initially invested enough in the character, and as developed, wasn’t developed sufficiently for the payoff’s of the first and second stanzas to pay off enough to leave the reader feeling satisfied.. looks like I’m going to have to break out the magik. – my two cents



https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=880344
Last edited by parkt921k at Jun 11, 2008,
#26
Is there anyone left on this forum with a fucking brain? Or have they all been replaced with middle school "Rock n' Roll" stars who listen to Disturbed?


...

K.

This is a subforum, on a guitar site.

A music site.

Amazingly enough, I'd say that a lot of the people on this site are middle school "Rock n' Roll" stars who listen to [generic band here].

Can you blame someone new to this forum for looking at 'Songwriting and Lyrics' and thinking 'Oh, this must be where the lyrics are.'

I wasn't around when this forum was started, but I'd say that it was initially intended for lyrics.

If it bothers you that much then why don't you post somewhere where all people want to read is poetry, or prose, or whatever you write?

You can't expect everyone on here to be able to look into all your metaphors and wordplay.

Oh, and about the regulars deserting you. Are you really surprised? You treat everyone like shit and then whinge like a baby when people don't crit you. Plus you don't crit anyone else. Suck it up and stop acting pathetic. And stop insulting people unjustifiably. You're just about the only regular who does this sort of thing.

I'm not sure if my 'fucking brain' has the intellectual capacity to generate a worthy critique of your work. I guess I'll just steer clear from now on. That's what you'd like, right?
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^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
Last edited by Snowblind 911 at Jun 13, 2008,
#27
Were those emoticons meant to be cute? Because they don't fit at all with what you said.

Steer clear if you want.
It's a bad time.
Come back when I'm not drinking every night and passing out in the streets.
It'll be awhile.
Poor advice.
#28
weird...I couldn't help but picture the house from courage the cowardly dog...

it was interesting
#29
They were supposed to be sarcastic and ironic.

Meh... sorry for being a bitch, I just was in a bad mood I guess. I shouldn't judge you without knowing what you're going through...

Anyway. To comment on the piece, I liked it... but it's what I've come to expect when clicking on one of your threads. Take that either way. I missed the bigger message here, like most people.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.