#1
In a sense its what you do
Take my life away from you
and there you are, through it all
this side of your sad downfall
is looking good to me

Life is short and in a way
You can not grieve and can not play
Those games of past and future tense
So let me have my innocence
The mind will let go

So you say your gone for good
Leaving past your childhood
And through the forest and the woods
Of that naïve young look you had

Persistent beating that it’s a must
You broke the bond obstructing us
It might be easy to walk away
Not understanding what I say
It will come to you soon

----

The vines are golden on the pass
A common apathetic mast
Of times that came and times to come
When your ship is sinking and all is done

Low and deep she rises still
Breaking through the bond that holds us all
That antithesis to life is there
Now I see the answer’s fair

And, Emerging from the dark

----

my third ever piece. i know it doesnt all flow especially near the end but its a work in progress...maybe. who knows.
#3
Quote by Bodom87
I liked it. pretty cool. tight rhyming


thanks..i might cut the length and fix it up so it doesnt resemble a poem as much - all my writing tends to do that
#4
It seemed like you didn't play with the timing as much. Not that there is anything wrong with the way you wrote it, but I felt it was almost too structured. The actual content of the lyrics was good. But once again, it seems like you weren't trying to be original.

Overall, this wasn't bad, but I wouldn't say it was great. If you revise it here and there, it can be real gem. But maybe that's just me talking.