#1
So, this whole song (apart from the intro and instrumental bridge) has a reggae-like rhythm and strumming pattern. (4 chords, played 4 times each on the off-beats at a fairly slow tempo) The rhythm in relation to singing is all worked out with me, but I didn’t know how to express it in text and it isn’t constant throughout... so when something looks like it doesn’t fit try saying it faster or slower…I dunno .

The intro incorporates the chords from the verses, while the instrumentals and the chorus are something all their own.

This is the first time I left something up for crit and I’ll admit I’m pretty nervous but please be honest
Also, feel free to suggest a title, I don’t have any ideas at the moment.

Submerged (If you suggest a title don’t use the word “Floating” please )


[Intro]


[Instrumental, Short]


[Verse]
Go home,
because the rhythm be coming-a-back ohhh
from my secret chambers or from desperate strangers,
but it’ll surely be found,
astound.

And if you’re looking to shut-a-my-eye your ashes
can’t cover all the lies,
cuz' down from below is where we have true sight

(NOTE: edited ^^^)


[Chorus]
You know I’ll bend until I break
to keep you floating on a raft in the lake.

I’ll keep you floating.


[Instrumental, Long]


[Verse]
Heard it was cold in outer space,
but I wouldn’t mind to get away from this place,
get outta my thoughts, get outta my head, ignored your cries all day.

Well I was caught in the doldrums; quite depressing place,
then hit the trades, and twas off to the east for me,
at least for me.


[Chorus]
Stuck writing re-runs, the same clichés?
Got a feeling in your gut saying, “This ain’t the way.”?
Pay no mind, I’ll keep you floating.


[Instrumental, Bridge]


[Verse, sung way differently than the other two]

We sink down,
to the bottom of an ocean floor,
where no one can tell us who needs war or what here for

And no gravity, to check on me or encompass me.
Just leave to my work now…


[Chorus, debating whether I should even include this]

My pen's been straying all day
trying to find just the right words to say:
that I’ll keep you floating.

(NOTE: Edited, I kinda borrowed from my other song, "Underneath the Street" but it'll do for now. Any suggestions are appreciated)


EDIT: I seperated the lines so that it distinguishes the rhymes a little clearer. Hopefully it makes it easier to distinguish a flow.
Last edited by O-52-A-50-R at Jun 11, 2008,
#3
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
It's hard to get the flow, considering the verses aren;t split up in lines. Some decent images, though...



I tried to incorporate commas to distinguish the flow but I'll split up the lines to try and make it more obvious.
#4
Yeah, split it up to emphasis the rhymes and such. I can't really emphasize the flow since you have it already, but it can help me get the sense of the song.

EDIT: It's decent, and the rhymes are up to par. I'm not a fan of songs on songs, but this did the job.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Jun 10, 2008,
#5
the sound of my chord can and will clear the skies.

meh. the idea of the sound of your chord clearing the skies is trite.



[Chorus]
You know I’ll bend until I break
to keep you floating on a raft in the lake.

I’ll keep you floating.

bending until breaking to keep him/her floating is too random.
unless you clarify this directly in the verses,
it might have some personal meaning,
but that gets lost in the translation.



tbh, there were some interesting thoughts and phrases throughout,
but they didn't seem to tie together well enough.
try to remember, we're not inside your head.
we can't see through your eyes unless the words paint the whole picture.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#6
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
the sound of my chord can and will clear the skies.

meh. the idea of the sound of your chord clearing the skies is trite.



[Chorus]
You know I’ll bend until I break
to keep you floating on a raft in the lake.

I’ll keep you floating.

bending until breaking to keep him/her floating is too random.
unless you clarify this directly in the verses,
it might have some personal meaning,
but that gets lost in the translation.


tbh, there were some interesting thoughts and phrases throughout,
but they didn't seem to tie together well enough.
try to remember, we're not inside your head.
we can't see through your eyes unless the words paint the whole picture.


There's no personal meaning behind "bend till I break" I was just trying to say something similar to "I'll work really hard even if it kills me" or something to that effect.

But you're spot on about my problem, I always seem to make things clear to me but not anyone else. I'll definitely work on it.

Thanks for the crit though

EDIT: And, yeah I'm still working on that "Chord clearing the sky" bit. Thanks again.
Last edited by O-52-A-50-R at Jun 10, 2008,
#7
hmmm i like the way its going but with lyrics alone its hard to get the rythm,work on making the lyrics and what music fit together perfectly especially ryhtm wise for reggae stuff like this, i like ur line "You know I’ll bend until I break
to keep you floating on a raft in the lake" it sounds very sweet like in a love song, work hard cant wait to see it complete
"LIVE and LET DIE...."
#8
First of all, thanks for your crit. I editted that one sentance to your idea.


Quote by O-52-A-50-R



[Intro]


[Instrumental, Short]


[Verse]
Go home,
because the rhythm be coming-a-back ohhh
from my secret chambers or from desperate strangers,
I really like the idea of this part, although the second sentance doesn't flow well.
but it’ll surely be found,
astound.

And if you’re looking to shut-a-my-eye your ashes
can’t cover all the lies,
cuz' down from below is where we have true sight
You might want to make this verse a bit longer, but it's nice.


(NOTE: edited ^^^)


[Chorus]
You know I’ll bend until I break
to keep you floating on a raft in the lake.

I’ll keep you floating.
You can make something great of that part, I like it.


[Instrumental, Long]


[Verse]
Heard it was cold in outer space,
but I wouldn’t mind to get away from this place,
get outta my thoughts, get outta my head, ignored your cries all day.

Well I was caught in the doldrums; quite depressing place,
then hit the trades, and twas off to the east for me,
at least for me.

Again, really good. The flow is good.


[Chorus]
Stuck writing re-runs, the same clichés?
Got a feeling in your gut saying, “This ain’t the way.”?
Pay no mind, I’ll keep you floating.


[Instrumental, Bridge]


[Verse, sung way differently than the other two]

We sink down,
to the bottom of an ocean floor,
where no one can tell us who needs war or what here for

And no gravity, to check on me or encompass me.
Just leave to my work now…


[Chorus, debating whether I should even include this]

You must be on a holiday,
haven’t heard from you even once just to say…
that I’ll keep you floating.


EDIT: I seperated the lines so that it distinguishes the rhymes a little clearer. Hopefully it makes it easier to distinguish a flow.



I loved this, really. I would love to hear this with guitar!
#9
I really like this song, but I'm having serious trouble thinking up a name for it. I see your problem. How about "Submerged"?
#10
Quote by NFXtreme
I really like this song, but I'm having serious trouble thinking up a name for it. I see your problem. How about "Submerged"?


I was thinking something like "Submerged", but a band I like has a song and album called "Submersible" so I felt it would be sort of like stealing but for now it is entitled "Submerged". Thanks and Scarlatti thanks for the crit it made me happy .
#11
I agree with the speeding up and slowing words down you mention at the top to make them fit that you mentioned at the start. If it fits when you sing it, it fits, things like that are hard to judge on a computer screen so it shouldn't really be said that a song doesn't fit.

So based on my ramble i was loving this, especially the first verse. It was easy.
#12
i think the whole song sounds good. the only part i would consider revising is just the last chorus that you weren't sure you were going to include. for me it just doesn't work for some reason.
#13
Quote by O-52-A-50-R
There's no personal meaning behind "bend till I break" I was just trying to say something similar to "I'll work really hard even if it kills me" or something to that effect.

But you're spot on about my problem, I always seem to make things clear to me but not anyone else. I'll definitely work on it.

Thanks for the crit though

EDIT: And, yeah I'm still working on that "Chord clearing the sky" bit. Thanks again.


I have a similar problem mate and I think a lot of people do. I'm still working on it. Getting strong criticism like that is the best thing for you.

I loved this verse btw;

"[Verse]
Heard it was cold in outer space,
but I wouldn’t mind to get away from this place,
get outta my thoughts, get outta my head, ignored your cries all day.

Well I was caught in the doldrums; quite depressing place,
then hit the trades, and twas off to the east for me,
at least for me."


Particularly the first two lines.

Overal I really liked this. I'm not into the whole rythym being placed into the song. I feel like it takes away a little bit of the joy of reading it yourself. I like to imagine my own rythym, and if one is not clearly evident, I pretend there is one; Ignorant maybe, but I don't care really that much. But still, I really liked this. Been listening to Bob Marley and its got me in the groove!
#14
Quote by AngryGoldfish
I have a similar problem mate and I think a lot of people do. I'm still working on it. Getting strong criticism like that is the best thing for you.

I loved this verse btw;

"[Verse]
Heard it was cold in outer space,
but I wouldn’t mind to get away from this place,
get outta my thoughts, get outta my head, ignored your cries all day.

Well I was caught in the doldrums; quite depressing place,
then hit the trades, and twas off to the east for me,
at least for me."


Particularly the first two lines.

Overal I really liked this. I'm not into the whole rythym being placed into the song. I feel like it takes away a little bit of the joy of reading it yourself. I like to imagine my own rythym, and if one is not clearly evident, I pretend there is one; Ignorant maybe, but I don't care really that much. But still, I really liked this. Been listening to Bob Marley and its got me in the groove!


Thanks I have my own rhythm and have said it but I guess the people who have critted didn't see me write that (apart from you and Scrutchpipe).
#15
Secret chambers, outer space, doldrums, the ocean's floor... I like how you were using all of these different localities to define your message.

With reggae, it is very hard to decipher the rythym with just lyrics but from what I gathered, this song has a very good flow, assuming it is sung the way I imagined it.

As for the bend till I break line, it is cliche but it works really well in the context. Good job. And thanks for the critique.
#17
Thanks again for the crit.

I like this. The theme fits well with a chilled out Reggae vibe. Very pleasant sentiment. Sorry I can't be more constructive, but this looks complete to my eyes.
#18
i liked teh rythmys you incorperated.
i could see it paint the picture in my mind as i read it.
great imagery.

the bend untill i break and keeep you floating line is a bit random.
if you could continue it would be a great line.