#1
i wrote this in one sitting, a few weeks before graduation. i cant remember why i was so angry, but this is what came out of it:

Sometimes I feel I'd have to die
just to find a place to hide
i sheild myself from the world outside
And pretend to leave my life behind

so many hard times have come to pass
leaving my mind and heart like shattered glass
And these memories will forever last
untill it ends in a deafening blast

deprived of love, fueled by hate
and apathetically devoid of faith
for eternal peace i cannot wait
i look to death as my escape

late at night i wonder how
the echoes of silence could ring so loud
and im neither ignorant nor all to proud
but if theres a god, he can kill me now

EDIT: all thanks ahead of time, because if i were to just post a thank you it would be considered bumping (according to the rules)

so thanks anyone and everyone
Last edited by jetfuel495 at Jun 11, 2008,
#2
Dude, thats dark ashell. Its quality writing, actually above quality, but a bit too dark for my taste
Avenged Sevenfold. November 10, 2007
BB King. December 1, 2007
Metallica. November 9, 2008
Avenged Sevenfold. November 23, 2008
#3
it's pretty well constructed, and the imagery is appropriatley dark and all. It's hard sometimes not to take oneself too seriously when writing a song. I know I have that problem. Lines like "i close the doors to my own mind" and "haunting memories of the past" sound cliched and kind of over the top. But over all it's still pretty quality, the last verse especially. I could hear this being rapped.
I've seen emo-er.


Member of the "I am a Fan of Gaycore Wrestle-Metal" Fanclub.
#4
great but please reword the parts that sound cliche. i can kinda relate cuz i can write a bit better when angry sometimes.
#6
i wrote this in one sitting, a few weeks before graduation. i cant remember why i was so angry, but this is what came out of it:

i close the doors to my own mind
just to find a place to hide
i sheild myself from the world outside
to leave what i wish to leave behind

Strong first stanza. 'cept maybe the fourth line, try avoiding using the word "leave" twice at once, it makes it awkward.

so many hard times have come to pass
leaving haunting memories of the past
and these memories forever last
untill it ends in a deafening blast

I don't really like how you rhymed "pass" and "past". Maybe try:
*trash
*broken cast
*fast
*bite in the ass
*broken glass


deprived of love, fueled by hate
and apathetically devoid of faith
for eternal peace i cannot wait
i look to death as my escape

Good, good. What do you think of eternal pieces instead of eternal peace. That's what I thought it said at first, both sound cool

late at night i wonder how
the echoes of silence could ring so loud
and im neither ignorant nor all to proud
but if theres a god, he can kill me now

Sweet. Brought to a dramatic closing. If this were a song, make sure that last part is br00tal.


Crit mine if you feel like it:
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...ad.php?t=880680
#9
I thought you stretched yourself thin on the rhyme scheme. And some of the rhymes were a tad bit cliche. Great vibe, though.

Crit mine in my sig?
#10
I enjoyed reading this. It flowed really nicely. This is quality stuff. In my mind, I was imagining the lyrics being sung by the rapper guy from Linkin Park. I don't know if you're into that. I don't care for the style personally, but I thought the flow really fit the style.

What with the way (<--intentional) you had all four lines of verses rhyme, there is a really solid foundation for a good song there.
#12
Sometimes I feel I'd have to die
just to find a place to hide
i sheild myself from the world outside
And pretend to leave my life behind
This is wonderfully dark...I would not us lieave twice in the 4th line

so many hard times have come to pass
leaving my mind and heart like shattered glass
And these memories will forever last
untill it ends in a deafening blast
This 4 lines are one of the most beautyful I have ever heard...LOVE IT!

deprived of love, fueled by hate
and apathetically devoid of faith
for eternal peace i cannot wait
i look to death as my escape
these 4 lines really do touch my emotions towards religion strongly...LOVE IT

late at night i wonder how
the echoes of silence could ring so loud
and im neither ignorant nor all to proud
but if theres a god, he can kill me now
strong lines

very strong and very dark...I love it
#13
dang dude...
i loved that poem.
truley did.
one of the best i belive.
you hate in this poem is dark.
very.
and i love the way you made the lines all relate to eachother.
very well written.
crit mine?
#15
I think you can tell you've struck a chord with a number of people when you get this many "I know what you mean" comments, which is great . It's a really well written piece, I feel:

Sometimes I feel I'd have to die
just to find a place to hide
i sheild myself from the world outside
And pretend to leave my life behind

Starts off strongly, with "die" and "hide" in there straight away; we know where you're coming from already. Bleak as hell, which is the idea.


so many hard times have come to pass
leaving my mind and heart like shattered glass
And these memories will forever last
untill it ends in a deafening blast

Nicely written, but a bit unfocused compared with your first stanza. I don't know how I'd change it, though, so this is probably an empty comment :P

deprived of love, fueled by hate
and apathetically devoid of faith
for eternal peace i cannot wait
i look to death as my escape

Perfect, although the hate/faith rhyme is a bit off for me; in fact, "apathetically devoid of faith" seems to be a bit rocky, overall, breaking your flow. But those last two lines are wonderful

late at night i wonder how
the echoes of silence could ring so loud
and im neither ignorant nor all to proud
but if theres a god, he can kill me now

This ending is excellent; I couldn't think of a better way to cap it off.


A really, really good bit of writing there .

C4C? It's a bit long and windy, but might be worth a look:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=886486
#16
that was just amazing, and it totally describes how i feel dude
dude u mind if my band uses this?
sry if i cant, im new to this forum